Most people don’t really know what a civil celebrant can offer or why they should investigate using one.
A fallacy is that a celebrant is the same as a registrar. Although a proposal to change things so a celebrant’s ceremony can be legal too is going through parliament at present, the roles are still separate.
A registrar is a civil servant, who is employed by the government to ensure that all the legal bits are carried out to make each marriage valid. Their ceremony normally takes a quarter of an hour or so, and is standardised. So each couple gets more or less the same as the one before, or the next one. What’s more, the service may not contain a single religious word or even mention God.
Given that the registrar’s ceremony is mandatory, why should you bother with a celebrant ceremony too?
The fact that the celebrant is independent is worth a great deal. It means that, once you have been legally married (by the registrar), you are free to have the ceremony of your dreams in the place of your dreams.
If you want some religious items, you can do so; if you want to write your own vows, you are welcome to; if you want a mention of absent friends, not an issue; if you want to talk about how the two of you met – or what is keeping you together – then that’s great!
You can have a mix of solemnity and humour. You can have a unique ceremony, maybe including a ritual or two (such as the Loving Cup or a handfasting), and you can tailor your ceremony so that others can participate.
In short, the ceremony can reflect your personalities and beliefs, and be everything you want it to be.
But only with a celebrant.
Of course, there are many celebrants out there, and each has their own USP. So you need to speak to, if not meet, one or two (eliminating some, once you’ve looked at their websites).
Online reviews are a good starting point. Then you can see if the celebrant is likely to understand and run with your vision of the ceremony.
Your budget is not as important as feeling the person is right for you. (You can usually tinker a bit and save some money elsewhere, if the celebrant is a bit dearer than you had planned.)
As well as showing professionalism, albeit in a likeable way, the celebrant should have great presentation skills.
They should be able to create a wonderful personalised ceremony that is beautifully delivered on the day. They need to be able to work hand-in-hand with you to achieve this.
Michael would be glad to have a (non-obligation) call with you to discuss how he can help guide you to your dream ceremony.
There’s nothing wrong with wedding-day nerves. Totally natural, if you ask me.
After all, your wedding should be the biggest day of your life. Together with your loved one, you’ll be centre-stage.
Adrenalin can often enhance performance, although, to be fair, your role is not actually demanding. Your celebrant will guide you through the ceremony, and your Best Man (or equivalent) or Toastmaster can facilitate the celebrations. Mainly, you have to do what you’re told and enjoy yourself!
However, you need to control your jitters so they don’t ruin your day.
Perhaps I can alleviate things for you.
Root Cause
You may well suffer most because you’re uncertain about how things may pan out. There’s always that “what if …?” question lurking.
Solutions
The most important solution is to ensure you are confident about your suppliers. Of course, nobody can guarantee that nothing will ever go wrong, but you minimise those risks by choosing reliable suppliers. These will be professionals, and will also have experience of dealing with the odd challenge.
However, professional they may seem, it won’t do any harm to reconfirm everything with them a few days before the event. Good for your peace of mind.
On the eve, be prepared. Make sure you have ready whatever is needed – rings, vows, goblet, repair kit, etc.
Allow plenty of time to arrive. You don’t want to get stuck, fuming in a traffic jam.
At the event, relax! Even if things may go wrong, you have two advantages. Firstly, you should be surrounded by professionals, so they can sort out the issue. Secondly, people understand that hitches happen despite the best planning. They’re on your side and will be tolerant and forgiving.
If you have a phobia about the whole thing, it might be wise to employ another professional to help you deal with it. I can recommend Isobel at intherighthands.co.uk
If all else fails, don’t get tanked up on alcohol (certainly, not till after the ceremony!). And if you need to step out and take a few deep breaths, this may calm you down sufficiently.
But if you’re looking for an empathetic professional civil celebrant who can put you at your ease before and during your big day, please have a chat with me!
In my experience, a couple goes to a lot of trouble and expense to ensure that preparations for their wedding are comprehensive. Eventualities are considered and weighed up, and experienced professionals are usually employed.
From my point of view, I ensure that the couple approve every word of what I am going to say, and this was the case in my latest wedding.
So what could possibly go wrong?
I had worked for a couple of years (delayed because of Lockdowns) with a lovely couple, and we covered all the necessary ground. They were using an event planner at the venue, but I discussed with them well in advance the logistics of an outdoor ceremony.
Lovely Horwood House
We had a room in the house booked just in case of intemperate weather, but the first choice was a pergola situated a few hundred metres from the house. Recorded music was to be played, and a professional sound engineer (and assistant) had been employed to ensure all went well. They were also responsible for a microphone for me.
As usual, I arrived in good time and went to check out the pergola. The sound engineer was there and explained that he’d just found out that, for technical reasons, he couldn’t connect to the electricity supply in the house. In short, this meant that I had no microphone. Well, with only 60 guests and a fairly wind-free day, I am able to project my voice sufficiently, so this unpleasant surprise wasn’t an issue at all.
The processional, with music played via Bluetooth, went well, and we were off! We then came to the hymn “All Things Bright and Beautiful”. As per the Order of Service, I invited the guests to rise and join in (they had the words on a sheet).
I waited for the music to start. Silence. I turned to the sound engineer, who just returned my look. I waited and he mouthed “I haven’t got it!”. Not good news!
I had to ad-lib. Importantly, people saw the funny side. With the bride and groom’s go-ahead, I suggested that we could gamble on me leading the singing unaccompanied. Luckily, people joined in. It wasn’t perfect, but we got through it.
The major issue came when we reached the second and final hymn. I wasn’t confident enough to lead that one. We were about to omit it, when one of the guests found a version on his mobile and passed it to the sound engineer. He was able to connect it up to the speaker. The words didn’t exactly maych those on the hymn sheet, but another hurdle was successfully negotiated!
The rest of the service went well (although we had to substitute water for wine, as the couple had left the bottle in their suite!).
What all this confirmed is that, with the best will (and planning) in the world, things can still go wrong. People will do their best to help out – and nobody will grumble, provided that the problem was not caused by negligence. Feedback I got about the service was that it was first-rate. Phew!
The couple – and their guests – may well look back on the day in the future, remember the problem(s) and share a little laugh.
It’s all about unique occasions, and some are more unique than others!
It must have been so hard for brides and grooms to have to face uncertainty about their wedding arrangements. Over months and even years.
Should they marry, but postpone the celebrations, perhaps till the first anniversary?
Do they just marry, and skip the celebrations altogether?
Do they marry, but celebrate (with no more than thirty guests)?
Do they put off the wedding altogether and wait for certainty? (But what’s “certain”?)
How do you book venues and suppliers and invite guests under such circumstances?
As a celebrant, I have really missed celebratory events. Since I am trained to compile and conduct funerals too, I have been kept reasonably busy over the last 18 months. Funerals are something I love doing, and, although my finances have still taken a hit, I am grateful that I’ve been able to work through lockdown.
However, I love the celebratory events, and I have not done one for almost two years. You will probably therefore get an idea how pleased I was to be back in harness last weekend.
The couple were delightful. They had chosen a golf club, Blacknest, in Surrey, which evidently takes its weddings very seriously. There was a huge marquee for the catering, tepees (including a big bridal one), a gazebo where the ceremony would take place with rows of benches in front, portaloos, and a shaded area. Not to mention, a table-tennis table and croquet equipment.
It was a glorious day (though very warm indeed), and the guests’ mood was bright, encouraging and supportive. The procession had been choreographed perfectly to fit the music, and the bride was uncharacteristically punctual!
Highlights of the ceremony? The bride’s brother read out a lengthy but witty and amusing poem about the couple. The couple had both prepared their vows (which the other had never seen or heard before), which was a very emotional section. The guests were asked to commit to lifetime friendship and support for the couple, which they readily agreed to. The “first kiss” as a married couple – always popular!
Then there were drinks on the grass, followed by eating, and a festival atmosphere.
There’s no doubt about it: the couple loved it, and so did the guests – and it was great for me to get back where I belong!
When you and your partner are standing in front of all your guests, about to be married, you’re going to be nervous. Much depends on the person who is up there with you both. If the celebrant is curt and uncaring, that will make things worse. If they empathise and are also in control, you’ll feel good.
The celebrant has absolutely got to be someone you trust and feel comfortable with. That way, you can relax and actually enjoy the moment.
How do you achieve that?
Step One
The pursuit of the ideal celebrant begins either with a reference from somebody who knows, or has used, them or with a Google search. In the first case, you can move on to Step Two below; in the second, you need to read the website and especially note the testimonials. What do people like about the celebrant? Do they offer what you are looking for? Does working with them appeal?
Step Two
If they are promising, you need to make contact. Face-to-face, if you’re comfortable; otherwise, by phone, zoom or skype. Firstly, check availability. If that’s OK, the next thing you’re looking for is whether you feel an affinity for the celebrant. If you do, do you feel that they will be accommodating to your ideas for the ceremony? Will they bulldoze you, or respect your choices and desires? Do they have a sense of humour? Do they seem professional?
Do they come across as organised? How are their presentation skills? How experienced are they? Will they try to get to know you (and your wishes)? How contactable are they?
Only if you’re satisfied with the answers (and, by all means, speak to a couple of celebrants, so you can compare), move on to the next step.
Step Three
You will need to check Terms & Conditions (especially, these days, the cancellation policy). Not least, you need to know the cost – and exactly what that includes. Is travel extra? What about a rehearsal? When do you have to pay what?
If the fee quoted is within – or close to – your budget, then you’re probably on to a good thing. But it is so important to work with the right celebrant, rather than one that you can easily afford. Remember, much of the celebrant’s crucial work happens before the wedding (although the visible part is on the day, of course).
If you like the celebrant, but they seem a little dear, maybe you can save some money elsewhere – for example, when booking other suppliers, to make sure you can secure the right celebrant.
So, the task is only three steps. It’s relatively simple, but needs to be carried out conscientiously. Then you can secure the celebrant who will make your ceremony truly special. Surely that’s worth a bit of effort?!
