by Michael | Feb 3, 2016 | Blog
As a civil celebrant, I am sometimes asked by potential clients for sample ceremonies. What sort of prayers and readings might I suggest?
That’s a sort of “how long is a piece of string?” question, because I only offer my clients ideas and guidance – I don’t dictate. Each ceremony is therefore different from any other I conduct. Indeed, I have an in-depth conversation before I even start putting the metaphorical pen to paper.
Some ceremonies may be religious, others spiritual, or purely secular. So there’s absolutely no “typical” reading.
However, what I will therefore offer now is a couple of readings that I have used in the past, and they will give you some sort of an idea of what could go into a ceremony.
This time, I’ll look at weddings and handfastings; another time, vow renewals and funerals.
Weddings
The Welcome
Love is a miraculous gift, and a wedding is a celebration of that gift. We have come here today to celebrate this gift of love, and to add our best wishes and blessings to the words that shall unite AB and CD in the bonds of marriage.
What you promise to each other today must be renewed again tomorrow and every day that follows.
At the end of this ceremony, you will be husband and wife. Still, you must decide each and every day to commit yourselves to one another. Make such a decision, and keep on making it, for the most important thing in life is to love and to be loved.
Reading
Listen to these words of wisdom on how to create a successful marriage from a little book entitled The Art of Marriage.
The little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say I love you at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, It should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives; it is facing the world together.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating patience, understanding, and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is the common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is the establishing of a relationship in which the independence is equal, the dependence is mutual, and the obligation is reciprocal.
And finally, it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
Apache Blessing
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be a companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to enter the days of your togetherness. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years. May happiness be your companion, and may your days together be good and long upon the earth.
Don’t you just love this blessing?!
Handfasting
The actual handfasting
The lover’s knot, or knot of destiny, will now be tied by Divine Power in the name of Love. (Celebrant ties hands). With this cord, I bind you to the vows that you each have made. As your hands are bound together now, so your lives and spirits are joined in a union of joy, love, trust, and mutual support. This bond I draw between you: That though you are parted in mind or in body, there will be a call in the core of you, one to the other, to which no one else will answer. By the secrets of earth and water this bond woven–unbreakable, irrevocable; by the law that created fire and wind this call is set in you, in life and beyond life.
A., repeat after me…By seed and root…by bud and stem…by leaf and flower and fruit…by life and love…in the name of God…I, A., take thee, B., to my hand, my heart and my spirit.
B., repeat after me… By seed and root…by bud and stem…by leaf and flower and fruit…by life and love…in the name of God…I, B., take thee, A., to my hand, my heart and my spirit.
Celebrant: With this binding I tie you, heart to heart, together as one. B. & A., together repeat after me…Heart to thee…soul to thee…body to thee…forever and always…and so it is! With this knot you are joined in sacred union. May God smile upon you, and bless you with love, happiness, peace, health, and prosperity.
Perhaps this will give you a flavour of what our ceremony might be like. If you’d like a chat and want to find out more, please give me a call (07931 538487), without obligation. I look forward to hearing from you.
by Michael | Jan 7, 2016 | Blog
Yes, of course you become a mother-in-law when your son or daughter marries. What my title is actually hinting at is that it takes quite a skill-set to be successful at it.
Not every marriage comes with a mother-in-law attached. And not every mother-in-law is – or even needs to be – dreaded. However, as with every relationship, work may well be needed.
Here are some tips for mothers-in-law that may help preserve the family peace – and even foster a good relationship with those relatives.
- Try to avoid favouritism. Include both your offspring and the in-law on any anniversary or Christmas card. Send each of them a birthday card at the appropriate times. This applies also to natural grandchildren as well as those you ‘inherit’ through your off-spring’s marriage.
- Visits ought to be pre-arranged and should be limited. The couple is entitled to some free time for themselves, even though family time is important and desirable. Fit in with what the couple wants. By all means, phone (and expect calls), but be moderate. Don’t expect to come and live in the couple’s house for weeks at a time (trust me: one week is pushing it!). They shouldn’t have to drop everything and fit in with you . That said, you have a perfect right to want contact, but just be moderate and reasonable!
- Respect the couple’s house rules and preferences, including not spoiling grandchildren too much (of course, a certain amount is absolutely fitting). Don’t go mad on presents for the grandkids either – this can be embarrassing for the parents too. They may disapprove of, or be unable to afford, such largesse.
- Be appreciative of the family your child has married into, especially if they make an effort on your behalf. And don’t go complaining about them to your own offspring! In fact, keep clear of disputes and also of side-taking.
- Offer to help, particularly if your stay is an extended one.
- Avoid interfering, unless your participation is invited.
- Be prepared to compromise. The couple may need to accommodate the other set of parents, especially at festivals and the like, so you may have to wait your turn.
- If you feel aggrieved or left out, however, raise the matter (amicably!). The concern may easily be resolved. Don’t ignite situations needlessly, but don’t let real (or perceived) slights fester.
Relationships of all kinds need to be worked at, but there’s no need to follow stereotypes and become the mother-in-law from hell. Most of these tips are really quite painless! Moreover, you’ll usually find that, if your attitude is positive, it won’t take long before you receive the positive response you surely welcome.
by Michael | Jan 7, 2016 | Blog
Mature marriage is in no way rare these days, even if most people still tend to think of a wedding as a “young person’s thing”.
Why marry when older?
In many cases, people are choosing to put off their wedding longer so that they can enjoy themselves before being encumbered by a family. They may want to establish a business or career, and need to devote their time to this.
Some people believe they shouldn’t marry until they are ‘sure’ that the relationship has a good chance of lasting. They may lack confidence.
Older people are returning to the marriage market for another go. They may be divorcees or widows/widowers.
Gay couples in a civil partnership are increasingly looking to convert their legal status to marriage, and many established pairs are therefore taking advantage.
Should the ceremony be different?
A church wedding (if permitted) and, indeed, a register office ceremony, will be the same for an 18-year-old or for a 58-year-old. They are basically standard ceremonies.
If you’re looking for a bespoke ceremony, you will need a civil ceremony.
Civil Ceremony suggestions
By the nature of the thing, no two civil ceremonies are likely to be the same, so it is impossible to be prescriptive.
Nevertheless, when approached by more mature couples, I still have the preliminary chat and establish what elements (if any) they have in mind. I make suggestions and then, over time, send them drafts for them to approve.
The areas I am likely to cover include music, rituals and readings.
- There is no reason why older couples can’t enjoy the same sort of music as youngsters (if that’s their choice). They may choose the same rituals (a Unity Candle is always lovely – but older pairs may have families they want to involve, so this ritual can be expanded to include offspring etc.). Either age group may decide to include the offering of a gift, such as a red rose, to their parents during the marriage.
A good celebrant ought be able to supply suitable suggestions.
Of course, some rituals (such as ‘jumping the broom’) may be less advisable for more mature couples!
- There’s no reason why age should prevent couples from writing and/or reciting their vows or having the rings blessed.
- Readings can be whatever the couple want, and many are not age-specific in any way. However, some are suitable for more mature couples. I like this anonymous passage (for very mature couples!), and I conclude with it:
“The question is asked: ‘Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?’ And the answer is given: ‘Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled but still clasped; their faces are seamed but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired but still strong with love and devotion. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.’
by Michael | Jan 7, 2016 | Blog
Wedding day “butterflies” are to be expected. However, they can easily turn into terror.
The bride will be the centre of attention of all the people in her life that matter. The groom will have to speak in public. According to statistics, many people claim they would rather die than engage in public speaking.
Actually, most people involved in a wedding are likely to be afflicted by some sort of attack of wedding day nerves. A bit of adrenalin is good, but more extreme effects can include near-paralysis, mood-swings, depression and plain despair.
That’s less than ideal on a wedding day.
Why the nerves?
Nerves can surface because you fear your role or because you believe everything will go wrong.
One way to reassure yourself is to choose reliable suppliers, do everything as far in advance as is reasonably possible and re-confirm in reasonably good time. If you’ve planned sensibly, there should be no need for pessimism.
As for roles, every ceremony will be different, so there can be no one-size-fits-all approach, but I offer the following nuggets.
General remarks
- Whatever your job is – whether or not it needs a list – you must have ensured well in advance that you understand what is expected of you. If your tasks involve planning, do check in good time that everything is as ready as possible.
- Arrive in good time on the day – allowing for traffic delays and the like.
- Try and be as relaxed as possible. If things go wrong – and small things often will – they can often be remedied thanks to no more than a cool head and goodwill. Most people will be understanding, helpful, supportive and good-humoured at a wedding. They have come to participate in a great day, and will want it to succeed as much as you do.
- If you are getting stressed, though, stop and take half a dozen deep breaths and get back in control.
- Alcohol is not a great idea (well, not until you have completed your particular role).
Parents
The bride’s father may have a speech to make, but this only needs to be short and simple. It can be read from a card, if necessary (although preferably not verbatim). Nobody has demanding expectations of him, so he only really needs to smile and speak slowly and clearly, and thank everyone.
Otherwise, parents’ participation in the ceremony may include walking the bride up the aisle, perhaps, but there will be nothing unexpected or trying. Moreover, the celebrant will be in charge then, and can guide you, if needed.
The money’s been spent – there’s nothing more you can do. Don’t criticise or fault-find. Relax and enjoy the special day!
Best Man
This role differs enormously from ceremony to ceremony. It usually involves holding and handing over the wedding ring, when requested. A good tip is to put the ring on your little finger until needed – but don’t put it over your knuckle! Your role may entail guiding the groom at every stage; it may even involve being a kind of master-of-ceremonies and photo-shoot organiser.
It will surely involve giving a speech. May I refer you to a previous blog, which covers this at some length.
Ushers, bridesmaids etc.
In most cases, you have been given an honorary position, so you have a limited (but important) role. The bridesmaids are there to support the bride and – to be honest – to look pretty. The ushers will need to help get people in to (and possibly out of) the ceremony venue. There may be other jobs later, but there is no need to be nervous. Smart, punctual and charming are the watchwords here. Enjoy.
Groom
The groom’s job is to remember the ring, be early and welcome people as they arrive (which should be enjoyable, as almost everybody will greet you with a big smile – and being nervous isn’t going to help you socialise!).
You don’t have to do much at the ceremony – the celebrant will prompt you. You will have to put the ring on the bride’s finger and you may need to recite the vows. (You can learn them off by heart, but much less stressful would be to use notes or read them from a 3 x 5 card – or even repeat them after the celebrant.)
The ceremony will whizz past and then it’s normally a question of signing the register (not too arduous!), the photos and eventually cutting the cake.
The only thing I have not yet mentioned is your speech. So do, please, cast an eye over my blog on the subject.
Bride
Ordinarily, the bride shows up (not late, please!) a few minutes before ‘kick-off’. Her job is to be admired, – a beautiful dress and a lovely smile will go far. Sure, she will be the centre of attention, but she will be on a cloud of goodwill, so she needn’t be apprehensive.
Just remember that everybody is rooting for you all, and thousands of people have done what you are doing and survived. And some have even enjoyed themselves!
by Michael | Jan 6, 2016 | Blog
You don’t need me to tell you how important it is that your reception should be successful. Hopefully, the wedding ceremony will have been beautiful and memorable – and a good celebrant will ensure just that. The reception can be a different kettle of fish.
Of course, an article like this cannot hope to cover all kinds of receptions – budget and size may make all the difference. I’m also assuming that you’re not using a wedding planner, although I have often argued (for example, please see here) in favour of engaging one.
Anyway, here at least are a few ideas that might be helpful.
Invitations
I have heard it suggested that you could have space on the RSVP cards for guests to choose their favourite song (or songs) for the reception. That way, everybody will be virtually guaranteed to get up and dance at some time or another. If you like that idea, it might be wise to check beforehand that nobody’s choice is inappropriate!
The Personal touch
If there’s a seating-pan, a slightly time-consuming but lovely idea would be to place a sincere, hand-written note at each guest’s place. You may not get a chance later, but this way you can at least ensure you have thanked your guests for attending. They’ll surely appreciate the gesture.
Surprises
Extras, such as magicians, chocolate fountains, photo booths, can add something unexpected and exciting to the event (and most of your guests, who, unlike you, won’t have been studying wedding entertainment videos and magazines, will love the unexpected bonus).
Take-homes
You don’t need to give any gifts at all, but if you decide to, these could be something that ties in with the theme of your wedding. They needn’t be more than a packet of seeds for the garden.
Children
If you’re inviting little children, they could be asked to bring a favourite cuddly toy. Then if you provide a special table for these toys, the children can enjoy creating their own special party.
Depending on space, you might be able to organize a few party games. (This could actually be a possibility for some of the adults too!)
Maybe teenagers (who won’t want to be with the kiddies and certainly not with Mum and Dad!) could have a room to themselves set up with an Xbox or an area where they can sit and text comfortably during the speeches.
Drink
At least try and ensure that everyone’s first drink is free (and make sure they realise that too!). It’s nice to offer an alternative for non-drinkers such as a non-alcoholic cocktail (with the ingredients listed on a sign by the bar).
There should be enough food and drink for guests – especially if they’ve come quite a distance. Nibbles and drinks could be available for between the ceremony and reception. Jugs of water should (as it were!) be on tap.
Guest book
Apart from making a wonderful souvenir for the couple, people enjoy signing a guest-book and thus making their own contribution.
Some of these ideas will fit the bill, and, if you make the necessary preparations, you can relax, safe in the knowledge that you will be offering something a little different that will make your reception stand out (for the right reasons!)!
by Michael | Jan 6, 2016 | Blog
Once the engagement is announced, sharks start circling round the couple, becoming frenzied at the scent of money. Is the wedding planner likely to be one of these?
Wedding planners may well charge thousands of pounds for what appears to be about 4 hours’ work, so do they give value?
Money for old rope?
But, if we dig a bit deeper, they may actually not be ripping you off at all.
In reality, the wedding planner spends many hours before the wedding day, planning, communicating, organising rehearsals, meeting suppliers, travelling and dealing with paperwork.
Similarly, photographers, florists, DJs, Civil Celebrants and other professionals appear on the day, but don’t assume that that is the only time that they are working on the wedding!
Far from it.
Choosing your Wedding Planner
Ideally, you will know someone who has worked with the wedding planner and can recommend her. Failing that, their website will help, but an exploratory phone call – have a list of questions ready – will give you an idea whether you would even want to work with this particular person.
This is an event where you really don’t want things getting forgotten or going wrong. So employing someone you have doubts about – or an amateur – could be a huge risk.
Cost
You can expect professionals to have experience, training and passion – and those qualities rightly don’t come cheap. Skill and specialisation are keys in this business, and you have to pay for these.
Wedding professionals are not like many solicitors, invoicing you per e-mail and itemising each expense. You pay the full fee and this may encompass many planning meetings, calls and consultations, not to mention countless e-mails with the client over the course of what may be a year or more.
Benefits
Each wedding planner values her reputation. She can’t afford to mess up, so the professional goes the extra mile to ensure things don’t go wrong. Actually, something probably will go wrong at some point in the day – that’s the way it is. But the wedding planner can reduce and minimise any negative impact.
The professional wedding planner will offer advice – not for her own convenience, but for your benefit. Her experience and knowledge can be invaluable.
You may actually save money by employing a wedding planner. If you are taking on hiring a venue or marquee, arranging the food, drink and catering, crockery, silverware, rentals, flowers, centerpieces and the rest, all by yourself, not only will that set you back more than you might expect, but you won’t have peace of mind (especially if you are a perfectionist).
So weigh up the pros and cons, inform yourself, and do what makes most sense to you.
