by Michael | Jun 4, 2018 | Blog
A wedding planner can be wonderful! At the very least, she should ensure peace of mind for you. Let her take care of all the arrangements. She will look after you in the run-up to, and of course on, your big day.
Of course, not unreasonably, there’s a cost involved.
If, however, you prefer not to go down that route, here are a few tips to bear in mind.
If you want the full church service, then of course your priest will be able to give you all the advice you need. Note that the service will be prescribed, rather than personal.
A register office ceremony may well be brief, but will be standardised and not really personal either.
For a unique ceremony reflecting your personalities and which can be tailor-made, work with a professional civil celebrant.
Starting the Process
Whatever you do, in addition to reserving your venue, you will need to formally give notice (together and in person) of marriage/civil partnership and book the registrars.
Registrars
Option One
An excellent plan, if you are having a civil ceremony, and wish to choose a venue that is not actually licensed for weddings, is to go down to the Register Office (make an appointment first!) with two witnesses the morning or day(s) before. You can wear your ordinary clothes. Ten or so minutes later, you become legally married.
You can enjoy exactly the ceremony you want afterwards (free of anxiety). Why not finish with a certificate-signing (not legally binding) for that photo-opportunity for your guests?
Option Two
However, if you are marrying in licensed premises, registrars will still need to be present (and, therefore, pre-booked). (You can have your bespoke ceremony straight afterwards.)
Venue
It is up to you whether you choose a licensed venue or, for example, the great outdoors, as long as you bear the above paragraphs in mind. If you are planning to use private land, ensure you ask permission first!
Preliminaries
It is beyond the scope of this article to go into each element in depth, but, depending on the scale of your ceremony, some of the things you will need to consider – in good time – are:
- Dress
- Catering
- Guest list
- Invitations
- Flowers
- Seating plan
- Transport
- Order of service booklet
- Entertainment
- Potential accommodation for you and/or guests
- Officiant
And, not least, the content of the wedding service itself.
The Wedding Ceremony
Do you want the traditional bits? Or just some of them? Do you prefer a modern service? Do you want hymns? What music do you want? Who will participate (eg as reader(s))? Who should walk down the aisle? What about including some less orthodox rituals (handfasting, Unity candles, etc.)?
A lot of questions! But these are all things that the civil celebrant should be able to advise you on. They will construct the ceremony with you and you will approve every bit of it along the way, so that you (and, your guests) will enjoy a unique, personalised, tailor-made ceremony.
Like the sound of that? Given time, you can organise all this yourself quite successfully, save money, and still have the memorable, delightful ceremony of your dreams.
Even without a wedding planner.
But I do suggest using a civil celebrant!
by Michael | May 29, 2018 | Blog
To many people, a wedding needs to be either fully religious or else secular (held in the register office). Well, those won’t float everybody’s boat.
Fortunately, you do have wedding choices. One is to opt for a civil celebrant .
Lots of people don’t know that civil celebrants even exist, so here are some Qs & As that should be beneficial.
Can a celebrant marry me legally?
The short answer, according to current English legislation, is no. However, there are two workable options to allow you to marry legally and also to enjoy the ceremony that you actually want.
1) you can have registrars in attendance (provided the venue has the appropriate licence); when they’ve done the legal bit, they leave and the celebrant can take over and deliver your bespoke ceremony.
2) you can marry legally (with 2 witnesses) at the Register Office the morning or day(s) before the ceremony. The celebrant can then conduct what to all intents and purposes is a full wedding or a wedding blessing ceremony (in the venue of your choice). That way, everything is covered.
What’s the difference between the Registrar’s and Celebrant’s ceremony?
The short answer is personalisation.
A registrar will follow a script. Their ceremony must contain no religious references. The time-slot is limited (there is usually a ‘conveyor-belt’ system in operation). You won’t normally have met the registrar who will be conducting your wedding.
Certain words have to be said (to make the marriage legal).
None of the above applies to a civil celebrant. The celebrant offers personal and bespoke service. You can choose what goes into – or is left out at- your ceremony. You also have freedom of choice of venue and even hour.
Would it be a humanist service?
It depends on the celebrant. A humanist, like the registrar, is not permitted to offer any religious content. I am not a humanist, but I can conduct secular services. I tailor the service absolutely according to your beliefs and wishes. I have conducted a wonderful handfasting wedding, which was a fusion of paganism and Judaism!
How are celebrants overseen?
Many celebrants belong to a body that has strict codes of ethics (I belong to the AOIC, for example). These normally ensure that standards are being adhered to, although, in my experience, celebrants are professional, competent and trustworthy.
What about fees?
These will vary between celebrants and, obviously, need to take into account travel, possibly, board and lodging, and any unusual accessories requested.
The amount of work that will go into creating and performing a ceremony will depend on the type of ceremony required, so there’s no hard-and-fast rule. Personally, I usually give clients a firm quotation after our initial chat.
My fees include plenty of contact with clients and as many revisions to the script as we need. Naturally, I conduct the service too. There are details of what is included on my website (www.vowsthatwow.co.uk) and I always send a clear summary in my Ts & Cs, once I have had the introductory chat with my clients.
What restrictions are there to the ceremony?
Beyond what I have already mentioned (especially on the legal side), as long as your requirements are within the realms of decency and reason, you can have what you want at your wedding.
- If you want to dance down the aisle or wear Superman outfits, you can!
- You can get married where you want (within reason) – that includes outdoors, of course, and could be in a hot-air balloon, say
- Your ceremony can include your choice of music, readings, rituals and participants
The idea is that I work together with you towards your big day. The ceremony should reflect your personality and be fun (where appropriate), meaningful and memorable.
That’s where a good celebrant comes in …
Please contact me for a chat.
Featured image: www.lyndseygoddard.com
by Michael | May 22, 2018 | Blog
Is there much interest in mixed-faith ceremonies? Surely they make up only a minute proportion of marriages?
Much of my work as a civil celebrant involves mixed-faith ceremonies. And I notice that such ceremonies are now becoming mainstream.
Not long ago I read that 45% of Americans are intermarried. That includes 46% of mainline Protestants, 32% of Evangelical Protestants, 22% of Catholics and 44% of Jews. I don’t have the UK statistics, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the trend were not similar.
In any case, that means a lot of people are intermarrying.
So what do you have to think about if you are planning a mixed-faith wedding?
Disadvantages
One obvious problem can be the family (indeed, in my experience, this area can sometimes be very fraught!) .
Whether or not the family is bankrolling the wedding, and therefore ‘pulling the strings’, religion is a potential minefield. Even though the parents may not actually be all that committed service-attenders, they often have an absolute expectation of a traditional ceremony. So there’s immediate conflict and pressure on the couple.
In such cases, the couple need to acknowledge and understand the disappointment that intermarriage might cause. But compromise is possible. An example might be that the father can still walk the bride down the ‘aisle’, (even if the aisle isn’t actually in a religious building).
However, the couple must not be bullied into doing what they do not want or believe.
Another thing the pair need to consider is eventual children, and the question of how (religiously) to bring them up. I don’t think there is any categorical guidance one can really give – it’s a decision for the couple alone, but they do have to be prepared to confront it.
Advantages
Being ‘put on the spot’ by marrying means that both partners will need to sort out their religious stance. They can learn about their partner’s customs, and this will help them create a meaningful wedding ceremony – and guide them in their future spiritual life together.
They will be able to work with their celebrant to agree on a service that is in accordance with their beliefs and desires. They can then include customs and traditional rituals from either religion as they choose – a kind of “edited highlights”, perhaps?
I am currently booked to perform a Jewish wedding (under the marriage canopy) for a Jewess and Christian. We’re having a New Testament reading and a hymn, but most of the rest will be traditional Jewish (with a couple of ‘extras’ thrown in).
The couple are also selecting readings relevant to them and which underline their mutual love and willingness to make a commitment to each other. These personalised readings can lift the occasion far above the mundane.
Compromise
Parents can be reassured that any grandchildren will be taught about their religious background (even if they may not actively practise it), that they will visit for certain religious holidays, and that parents will be able – and welcome – to play a part in their grandchildren’s lives.
It may take time, but a beautiful interfaith wedding may actually bring the families together and pave the way to harmony.
Featured image: courtesy of Philippa Gedge
by Michael | May 14, 2018 | Blog
Can you imagine a wedding reception without speeches? Nor can I. Let’s have a close look at the groom’s speech.
It is an opportunity to help the guests know a little more about either or both of you – preferably, in a witty and enjoyable manner. It will also surely offer a public demonstration of your affection and excitement. So there is a lot to get right (and wrong).
I’ve written a couple of speeches both as an individual and as a civil celebrant, so I hope these hints will be helpful.
Elements
It is vital that the speech is not too long. Ten minutes will be about right. It should focus on the bride – what she means to you, possibly how you met and maybe an anecdote that shows why you chose her. Crucially, it should be sincere. Not to say that there can’t be humour too (more on this later).
Incidentally, don’t hold back from saying “my wife and I”, if you wish.
Of course, you need to thank everyone who contributed to the wedding (not just financially!). So it should be the parents of the bride, the participants (bridesmaids, ushers, etc.) and the guests. Absent friends may be mentioned here. Without overdoing it, a bit about the best man could go in (preferably, including a story about something you both got up to in the murky past!).
Delivery
Don’t rely on memory (especially on such a day), nor should you read out from a long script. Use notes or bullet-points, so you can make eye contact with your audience as much as possible.
However, when you talk about your new wife, say what attracted you, why you love her, relate an interesting/humorous episode. For this, you can address your remarks directly to her. And a compliment is unlikely to be taken amiss (your guests will love it too!).
Try and vary your delivery, so it is not monotonous.
Speed
However nervous you may be, slow down! Don’t mumble or gabble. Speak loudly and clearly. People will really want to hear what you have to say, so don’t frustrate or deprive them!
Humour
If you can start with a joke, then that is fine. However, ensure any joke you tell is funny – and that it is not crude or offensive. If you are hopeless at telling jokes, then it may be better to leave them out altogether.
If you are going for just one, then direct a gentle jest at your best man (NOT at your new in-laws, unless you are VERY sure that it is appropriate and that they will be OK with it! Definitely don’t get off on the wrong foot …).
I took a great risk at my wedding, because I chose to be quite rude about my new wife (but I did say some nice things too!). I got away with it (although, of course, I am still suffering the fall-out to this day!) because my comments were funny (no, really!), but it’s a dangerous game to play.
Finish
Once you’ve thanked everybody, told a story or two and possibly talked about your excitement at the prospect of your new life, stop while you’re ahead. Propose a toast to the bridesmaids and/or your wife and then pass the microphone to your best man.
Notes
- Don’t forget to thank your in-laws or whoever financed the affair. Thank your father-in-law for his speech (and for producing such a wonderful daughter). Thank everybody on behalf of your wife too. Make mention of guests from afar, or special guests, your in-laws and your own parents. Don’t thank caterers, florists etc. who will have been paid for their services. Try not to spend too long thanking people.
- Don’t read out long lists.
- Resist the temptation to get blind drunk before your speech!
- Check beforehand with your best man that there’s no clash or excessive overlap/repetition in what you are both going to say in your speeches.
Prepare thoroughly beforehand, remember the tips about delivery, and you will manage a wonderful speech that you will enjoy making and that your guests will love hearing.
Of course, if you want any further help, please speak to Michael.
by Michael | May 14, 2018 | Blog
What a privilege! I’m so lucky, doing what I do. True, I don’t get to choose where I get to officiate. However, I end up at some glorious ceremony venues.
I could wax lyrical about many of them, in truth. However, I want to keep this to a manageable length, so will exercise self-restraint (for once).
Indoors
I loved the opulence of the Savoy. I thought the Oak Room at le Meridien hotel, Piccadilly, wonderful. Mill Hill Chapel was imposing without making you feel daunted. The winner, though, must surely be Lillibrooke Manor.
The Great Barn, Lillibrooke Manor
The current Manor House was constructed in about 1490, but the Great Barn is an unparalleled venue that is full of atmosphere.
Outdoors
Can you beat Stonehenge for an iconic setting?!
The day I conducted a ceremony there were Druids processing among the stones, so it made it even more special. I don’t know how you can top that.
However, I was lucky enough to have a ceremony at Old Sarum. That is a lovely Iron Age fort overlooking Salisbury. This was actually my first wedding. I also remember it fondly because we avoided bad weather that January day.
Finally, I assisted at a wedding at the Rollright Stones, in Oxfordshire. They are fairly remote and not particularly well-known. However, they are an impressive and atmospheric stone circle. They are pretty much complete and overlook a valley.
Perhaps the most stunning setting, though, came abroad, when I conducted a destination wedding at the Hotel Anassa, Cyprus. I have shown this picture below in several blogs, but make no apologies for repeating myself. It was glorious!
So which ceremony venues have you seen that have particularly struck you? Do please share them with me.
And if you’re planning a ceremony somewhere very special, I’d like to know about it too. (And if you want to take me there with you as your celebrant, I’d be more than interested to have a chat with you!)
by Michael | May 11, 2018 | Blog
There’s certainly a wedding guest etiquette, but it’s often unspoken. How, then, is one to know what to do and what to avoid?
Some guest etiquette is common sense. But thoughtlessness sometimes enters into it.
I know, as a celebrant, that being a guest can sometimes prove to be less than simple.
If you’re not careful, you can get it wrong – and, potentially, months before the big day!
RSVP
It’s easy to put off responding to the invitation because you’re want to be sure you are free. (Or because you forget about it!). But consider those making the arrangements. They have to book all manner of things (not least, the venue and catering), and this has to be done well in advance. Deposits need to be paid. They need to know numbers fairly soon.
If you’re able, then be one of those who responds as soon as possible.
Tweaking The Invitation
You may want to bring your child(ren), but if there is no mention of them on the invitation, then accept it. (It’s not meant as a snub, but there simply have to be limits on the numbers invited.) Obviously, the same goes for other people you may feel should be invited.
You may have a new partner, but don’t assume you can bring them. (For one thing, you might disrupt the seating plan.)
Participating
You could get asked to take on a role at the ceremony. Maybe as bridesmaid or usher. It’s an honour, so make sure you find out well in advance what the expectations are of your role. Will you have to attend a rehearsal the day or morning before or wear particular attire?
If you don’t want to (or can’t) do it, then give maximum notice Then there’s time to replace you, if necessary.
On the Day – Punctuality
Arrive well (30 minutes?) in advance – and don’t upstage the bride by a tardy, flustered entry. If you have been delayed, then you should simply wait until the end of the ceremony – just don’t interrupt it.
If you’re the Best Man, you should arrive an hour before the ceremony starts. If you’re going to be late, try and call the groom, at least, and warn him.
Dress
You will normally be given guidelines in the invitation. Go with what you are asked to wear, even if you might prefer a different style of attire.
At the Ceremony
Ushers may show you to your seat. If that’s not the case, leave the front two rows free for the family and VIPs.
Is the Ceremony “Unplugged”?
There will probably be an official photographer in attendance and his/her photos will matter a lot to the couple. It would be far better if they could show your smiling face rather than an iPhone held in the air. Take photos after the ceremony, by all means. Always respect any requests in this regard in the invitation or on the day.
Behaviour
It should go without saying that you ought to drink responsibly afterwards (and even more so, if you start before the ceremony!). Likewise, don’t trash the venue or embarrass yourself or the couple by loud or aggressive behaviour.
This is the biggest day in your friends’/relatives’ lives, so be grateful that they have chosen to include you. Enjoy the day – and enhance it for the happy couple. Make them glad they invited you!
