by Michael | Feb 16, 2016 | Blog
Everybody’s ideas for their wedding are likely to be different, but from a civil celebrant perspective, here are 5 hints for planning your wedding which you will probably need to consider, whatever your circumstances.
- The budget
You’ll be very fortunate, if this isn’t one of your prime concerns. You’ll need to work together with anyone who is helping you here (probably your family?), and decide rationally what you will spend. It’s no good getting carried away with enthusiasm – you need self-discipline.
Big as the occasion may be, you do not want to bankrupt yourselves. And remember that the amount spent does not guarantee the success of the marriage!
The real event is (or should be) the ceremony. Do you really want the reception to mean more than the vows?
Good taste and sincerity are surely what matter.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few OTT touches (budget permitting), but that should be a bonus rather than what you are aiming at. There are probably certain elements that you will insist on, and it’s as well to discuss these at the outset, so that they aren’t overlooked later.
The budget will also dictate the ceremony, participants, reception and number of guests to invite, but that is something I cover elsewhere, notably in my book “Your Wedding Guide”.
- Date & location
Naturally, it will be more expensive to schedule your wedding at peak times (such as summer holidays, Christmas or around Valentine’s Day). You may want to avoid major events, such as World Cups and holiday season, when your potential guests may be otherwise engaged.
You’ll need to consider climate too, if you want an outdoor wedding.
The venue should, of course, be where you want it to be, but if it’s in an exotic location, your guests may have to go to a lot of expense and trouble to attend, so keep that in mind.
- Other Suppliers
As soon as you have settled on your budget, start discussing other suppliers that you may need. Like the venue, which may need a year or more advance warning, you should allow plenty of time, in order to secure the supplier of your choice.
Among others, you will need to consider florists, caterers, musicians and, not least, celebrant. Where possible, you should meet with these first, so you can feel confident you have made the right choices. All that takes time, so allow for that.
- Choosing theme and colours
It’s easy to get excited and let your imagination run away with your wallet. Keep your budget in mind, use wedding books and planning guides and whatever resources are available to you.
Do not over-decorate. Make full use of flowers and candles.
Be creative with the colours. These may reflect the bride’s personality. Vivid colours (tastefully combined) can be most effective.
- Vows and music
The vows are one of the most important elements of a marriage. They should be well-planned – and audible. They are a public declaration of your mutual feelings, and should not be under-estimated.
Equally, the music should be planned carefully and be clearly audible. Make sure you choose lyrics that you want your guests to hear.
Hopefully, the planning will be a team effort (maybe even the groom will be involved!). If approached in the right way, it can be challenging, yes, but also exciting, and the end result so worthwhile. Enjoy!
by Michael | Feb 8, 2016 | Blog
You may have seen my recent blog about sample wedding and handfasting ceremonies. (Thanks for showing up again, then!) I promised also to show you some typical ceremonies that I might offer for Vow Renewals and Funerals. I shall be true to my word, as I hope you’d expect.
I’m a Civil Celebrant, so I create and conduct tailor-made ceremonies. That means that there’s no such thing as “typical”, actually. And I’m not now taking into account whether you want religious or humanist, or something in between! Nonetheless, I trust this will give you at least a flavour of what you might expect.
Vow Renewals
RING BLESSING
Rings are symbolic of the completed bond. The ring is without a beginning or end the ring goes on forever.
Circles of life, circles of love, these rings are given and received as a token of continuous never- ending love and devotion. They are an outward symbol of your inward promise that each of you have made to one another.
D., take C.’s hand… touch the ring that you have given to your Bride as the lasting symbol of your love.
Repeat after me, D: C., with this ring, I promise to continue to grow with you, to build our love, to speak openly and honestly, to listen to you, and to love and cherish you now and forever. This ring serves as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity.
C., take D.’s hand… touch the ring that you have given to your Groom as the lasting symbol of your love.
Repeat after me, C.: D., with this ring, I promise to continue to grow with you, to build our love, to speak openly and honestly, to listen to you, and to love and cherish you now and forever. This ring serves as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity.
UNITY CANDLE
“This Unity Candle is a symbol of the marriage, representing the two becoming one
Having recited their vows, the couple will now light each of the individual candles and jointly light the Unity Candle as a symbol of their recommitment to each other.
As C. and D. light the Unity Candle from their individual candles, they combine their own flames into one. As each candle may light another without diminishing its own light, so may two join together without diminishing each other. Marriage is a partnership where each may give of themselves, without losing that which makes each one unique.”
Funerals
Introductory
(Name’s) earthly journey has ended (too soon) and yet we know that all that lives must die. Nothing prepares us for days like today because we are never ready to lose someone we love.
Grief is ultimately the price we pay for love. You know that the light of the most distant star continues to reach the earth long after the star itself has gone out, so (name’s) light and love will continue to shine in your hearts. This light never goes out because love lives in our hearts and love never dies.
Reading
But although we mourn a life that has ended prematurely, we are mourning a full life. Wherever a life finishes, there it is complete. Its value lies not in its length but in the use that is made of it. A person may live into extreme old age, and yet have lived very little. It was Abraham Lincoln who said “It’s not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years.” There was certainly plenty of life in (name’s) years and we only have to look around this chapel to see the impact that he/she had on so many people.
And it’s important that our recollections of him/her, even today, are not unduly coloured by the deep sadness we feel at this time. Of course we shall grieve, of course we can’t avoid the sense of injustice, that one we cared about should have been snatched from us. But we owe it to (name’s) memory and everything he/she meant to us to honour and celebrate his/her life, to focus on the positive reminiscences, to recapture some of those things that made him/her the unique and special person he/she was, and to smile as we remember him/her. The character, humour and individuality that were so much a feature of (name’s) life will live on in the memories of friends and family much longer than the acute sadness we are feeling at his/her passing.
Poem
Vanished Stars
There are stars up above,
So far away we only see their light
Long, long after the star itself is gone.
And so it is with people that we loved –
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
Though their time with us is done.
But the stars that light up the darkest night,
These are the lights that guide us.
As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.
Hannah Senesh
So just an idea, perhaps, of what we can put together for you. If you would like to find out more, please contact me on 07931 538487 or at celebrant@vowsthatwow.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help you further.
by Michael | Feb 3, 2016 | Blog
As a civil celebrant, I am sometimes asked by potential clients for sample ceremonies. What sort of prayers and readings might I suggest?
That’s a sort of “how long is a piece of string?” question, because I only offer my clients ideas and guidance – I don’t dictate. Each ceremony is therefore different from any other I conduct. Indeed, I have an in-depth conversation before I even start putting the metaphorical pen to paper.
Some ceremonies may be religious, others spiritual, or purely secular. So there’s absolutely no “typical” reading.
However, what I will therefore offer now is a couple of readings that I have used in the past, and they will give you some sort of an idea of what could go into a ceremony.
This time, I’ll look at weddings and handfastings; another time, vow renewals and funerals.
Weddings
The Welcome
Love is a miraculous gift, and a wedding is a celebration of that gift. We have come here today to celebrate this gift of love, and to add our best wishes and blessings to the words that shall unite AB and CD in the bonds of marriage.
What you promise to each other today must be renewed again tomorrow and every day that follows.
At the end of this ceremony, you will be husband and wife. Still, you must decide each and every day to commit yourselves to one another. Make such a decision, and keep on making it, for the most important thing in life is to love and to be loved.
Reading
Listen to these words of wisdom on how to create a successful marriage from a little book entitled The Art of Marriage.
The little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say I love you at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted;
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, It should continue through all the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives; it is facing the world together.
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating patience, understanding, and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow.
It is finding room for the things of the spirit.
It is the common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is the establishing of a relationship in which the independence is equal, the dependence is mutual, and the obligation is reciprocal.
And finally, it is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.
Apache Blessing
Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be a companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to enter the days of your togetherness. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years. May happiness be your companion, and may your days together be good and long upon the earth.
Don’t you just love this blessing?!
Handfasting
The actual handfasting
The lover’s knot, or knot of destiny, will now be tied by Divine Power in the name of Love. (Celebrant ties hands). With this cord, I bind you to the vows that you each have made. As your hands are bound together now, so your lives and spirits are joined in a union of joy, love, trust, and mutual support. This bond I draw between you: That though you are parted in mind or in body, there will be a call in the core of you, one to the other, to which no one else will answer. By the secrets of earth and water this bond woven–unbreakable, irrevocable; by the law that created fire and wind this call is set in you, in life and beyond life.
A., repeat after me…By seed and root…by bud and stem…by leaf and flower and fruit…by life and love…in the name of God…I, A., take thee, B., to my hand, my heart and my spirit.
B., repeat after me… By seed and root…by bud and stem…by leaf and flower and fruit…by life and love…in the name of God…I, B., take thee, A., to my hand, my heart and my spirit.
Celebrant: With this binding I tie you, heart to heart, together as one. B. & A., together repeat after me…Heart to thee…soul to thee…body to thee…forever and always…and so it is! With this knot you are joined in sacred union. May God smile upon you, and bless you with love, happiness, peace, health, and prosperity.
Perhaps this will give you a flavour of what our ceremony might be like. If you’d like a chat and want to find out more, please give me a call (07931 538487), without obligation. I look forward to hearing from you.
by Michael | Jan 7, 2016 | Blog
Yes, of course you become a mother-in-law when your son or daughter marries. What my title is actually hinting at is that it takes quite a skill-set to be successful at it.
Not every marriage comes with a mother-in-law attached. And not every mother-in-law is – or even needs to be – dreaded. However, as with every relationship, work may well be needed.
Here are some tips for mothers-in-law that may help preserve the family peace – and even foster a good relationship with those relatives.
- Try to avoid favouritism. Include both your offspring and the in-law on any anniversary or Christmas card. Send each of them a birthday card at the appropriate times. This applies also to natural grandchildren as well as those you ‘inherit’ through your off-spring’s marriage.
- Visits ought to be pre-arranged and should be limited. The couple is entitled to some free time for themselves, even though family time is important and desirable. Fit in with what the couple wants. By all means, phone (and expect calls), but be moderate. Don’t expect to come and live in the couple’s house for weeks at a time (trust me: one week is pushing it!). They shouldn’t have to drop everything and fit in with you . That said, you have a perfect right to want contact, but just be moderate and reasonable!
- Respect the couple’s house rules and preferences, including not spoiling grandchildren too much (of course, a certain amount is absolutely fitting). Don’t go mad on presents for the grandkids either – this can be embarrassing for the parents too. They may disapprove of, or be unable to afford, such largesse.
- Be appreciative of the family your child has married into, especially if they make an effort on your behalf. And don’t go complaining about them to your own offspring! In fact, keep clear of disputes and also of side-taking.
- Offer to help, particularly if your stay is an extended one.
- Avoid interfering, unless your participation is invited.
- Be prepared to compromise. The couple may need to accommodate the other set of parents, especially at festivals and the like, so you may have to wait your turn.
- If you feel aggrieved or left out, however, raise the matter (amicably!). The concern may easily be resolved. Don’t ignite situations needlessly, but don’t let real (or perceived) slights fester.
Relationships of all kinds need to be worked at, but there’s no need to follow stereotypes and become the mother-in-law from hell. Most of these tips are really quite painless! Moreover, you’ll usually find that, if your attitude is positive, it won’t take long before you receive the positive response you surely welcome.
by Michael | Jan 7, 2016 | Blog
Mature marriage is in no way rare these days, even if most people still tend to think of a wedding as a “young person’s thing”.
Why marry when older?
In many cases, people are choosing to put off their wedding longer so that they can enjoy themselves before being encumbered by a family. They may want to establish a business or career, and need to devote their time to this.
Some people believe they shouldn’t marry until they are ‘sure’ that the relationship has a good chance of lasting. They may lack confidence.
Older people are returning to the marriage market for another go. They may be divorcees or widows/widowers.
Gay couples in a civil partnership are increasingly looking to convert their legal status to marriage, and many established pairs are therefore taking advantage.
Should the ceremony be different?
A church wedding (if permitted) and, indeed, a register office ceremony, will be the same for an 18-year-old or for a 58-year-old. They are basically standard ceremonies.
If you’re looking for a bespoke ceremony, you will need a civil ceremony.
Civil Ceremony suggestions
By the nature of the thing, no two civil ceremonies are likely to be the same, so it is impossible to be prescriptive.
Nevertheless, when approached by more mature couples, I still have the preliminary chat and establish what elements (if any) they have in mind. I make suggestions and then, over time, send them drafts for them to approve.
The areas I am likely to cover include music, rituals and readings.
- There is no reason why older couples can’t enjoy the same sort of music as youngsters (if that’s their choice). They may choose the same rituals (a Unity Candle is always lovely – but older pairs may have families they want to involve, so this ritual can be expanded to include offspring etc.). Either age group may decide to include the offering of a gift, such as a red rose, to their parents during the marriage.
A good celebrant ought be able to supply suitable suggestions.
Of course, some rituals (such as ‘jumping the broom’) may be less advisable for more mature couples!
- There’s no reason why age should prevent couples from writing and/or reciting their vows or having the rings blessed.
- Readings can be whatever the couple want, and many are not age-specific in any way. However, some are suitable for more mature couples. I like this anonymous passage (for very mature couples!), and I conclude with it:
“The question is asked: ‘Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?’ And the answer is given: ‘Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled but still clasped; their faces are seamed but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired but still strong with love and devotion. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.’
