Absent Friends

When I am preparing a vow renewal or wedding, I often ask the question whether the couple would like absent friends mentioned. Almost invariably, they do.

Of course, by “absent friends”, we mean friends or relatives who have been prevented from attending because of illness, infirmity or death. These are likely to be people who would certainly have wanted to be part of the proceedings and who would have been more than welcome to have attended.

There are exceptions, but the couple usually wants to mark the fact, but not make too much of it. Understandably, they don’t want to bring down the atmosphere of a happy ceremony.

I often proffer a few words, naming the individuals and stating how much they are missed. Sometimes a candle is lit or a brief silence is observed. We usually do this early on, so that the sad tone does not impinge on what follows.

Occasionally, people do want a more significant commemoration, so here are a few suggestions that might suit.

Symbols commemorating a Loved One

  • You might include one of their favourite type of flowers in your buttonhole/bouquet.
  • You might choose to wear something connected to (or worn by) your loved one. Perhaps it might be earrings or cufflinks, or even something sewn into the inside of your dress/suit.
  • You could place some flowers at the place where your loved one would have been sitting, possibly with a note or poem.
  • You could also place a photo of your loved one somewhere (it might be – but doesn’t have to be – prominent). You might even place candles there (bearing health and safety in mind, of course!).

 

Alternatives

Instead of a present, you could ask guests to donate some money to a charity loved by, or associated with, your loved one.

Some of the above are a bit ‘over-the-top’ for many people, but, instead, you could drink a toast to your absent friends at the reception.

 

My advice (but I accept that it is a personal decision for the couple concerned) is to keep the commemoration reasonably low-key. Guests don’t really want to hear a long list read out, especially if they’re excited about the ceremony to come. Moreover, the mood of the proceedings should be happy. We are marking a celebratory event, rather than what might appear to be a memorial service.

 

However, as we have seen, there are tasteful and meaningful ways of acknowledging your absent friends, and these certainly have a part to play in the big day.

 

 

 

Leap Year Proposals

It’s Leap Year Day! I wonder how many of you ladies are planning leap year proposals?

It is thought that this tradition harks back to the days when the leap year day was not recognised under English law. As it had no legal status, it was considered acceptable to break with the convention that it should be the man doing the proposing.

This custom is quite wide-spread and encompasses Scandinavia as well as Great Britain. However, in Greece they have a variation on the theme – they believe that a leap year marriage is likely to end in divorce.

 

In Denmark the day in question for a woman to propose to the man is the 24th, not the 29th, February (supposedly, this goes back to the time of the Ancient Romans, but that’s all I have found out!). If the man rejects the proposal, he is meant to give the jilted lady twelve pairs of gloves! Why twelve, I wonder?! (Another mystery!)

In Finland they also have a forfeit: the man is bound to supply enough fabric for his rejected lady to make a skirt.

In Ireland, a man refusing the lady on leap year day has to give her a silk gown. Apparently, the custom originated in the fifth century. A nun, St Brigid of Kildare, heard complaints that men were too shy to propose. She asked St Patrick to give permission for females to do the proposing. Initially, he allowed it once every seven years, but later relented, and allowed proposals every leap year day.

In Scotland, the unmarried Queen Margaret supposedly passed a law in 1288 to allow women to propose on leap year day. They did have to wear a red petticoat by way of alerting the men, though!

But why is February such a short month (even if it’s a bit longer this year)?

Roman months originally had 29, 30 or 31 days, but when Augustus became emperor, he felt aggrieved that his month only had 29 days, whereas July (Julius Caesar’s month) had 31 days. He stole two days from February to bring August up to 31. You can do things like that, if you’re Emperor!

Finally, a prayer has been composed by the Archdeacon of Norwich, the Venerable Jan McFarlane, for people planning a leap year marriage proposal:

“God of love, please bless N and N as they prepare for the commitment of marriage. May the plans for the wedding not overtake the more important preparation for their lifetime together. Please bless their family and friends as they prepare for this special day and may your blessing be upon them now and always. Amen.”

If you do propose to your beloved, ladies, please let me know how you get on. Remember that, as a civil celebrant, I may be the next person you will want to contact when you plan your wedding!

 

 

Leap Year Proposals

We’re a few days away from Leap Year. I wonder how many ladies are planning leap year proposals?

It is thought that this tradition harks back to the days when the leap year day was not recognised under English law. As it had no legal status, it was considered acceptable to break with the convention that it should be the man doing the proposing.

This custom is quite wide-spread and encompasses Scandinavia as well as Great Britain. However, in Greece they have a variation on the theme – they believe that a leap year marriage is likely to end in divorce.

 

In Denmark the day in question for a woman to propose to the man is the 24th, not the 29th, February (supposedly, this goes back to the time of the Ancient Romans, but that’s all I have found out!). If the man rejects the proposal, he is meant to give the jilted lady twelve pairs of gloves! Why twelve, I wonder?! (Another mystery!)

In Finland they also have a forfeit: the man is bound to supply enough fabric for his rejected lady to make a skirt.

In Ireland, a man refusing the lady on leap year day has to give her a silk gown. Apparently, the custom originated in the fifth century. A nun, St Brigid of Kildare, heard complaints that men were too shy to propose. She asked St Patrick to give permission for females to do the proposing. Initially, he allowed it once every seven years, but later relented, and allowed proposals every leap year day.

In Scotland, the unmarried Queen Margaret supposedly passed a law in 1288 to allow women to propose on leap year day. They did have to wear a red petticoat by way of alerting the men, though!

But why is February such a short month (even if it’s a bit longer this year)?

Roman months originally had 29, 30 or 31 days, but when Augustus became emperor, he felt aggrieved that his month only had 29 days, whereas July (Julius Caesar’s month) had 31 days. He stole two days from February to bring August up to 31. You can do things like that, if you’re Emperor!

Finally, a prayer has been composed by the Archdeacon of Norwich, the Venerable Jan McFarlane, for people planning a leap year marriage proposal:

“God of love, please bless N and N as they prepare for the commitment of marriage. May the plans for the wedding not overtake the more important preparation for their lifetime together. Please bless their family and friends as they prepare for this special day and may your blessing be upon them now and always. Amen.”

 


5 Hints for Planning Your wedding

5 Hints for Planning Your wedding

Everybody’s ideas for their wedding are likely to be different, but from a civil celebrant perspective,  here are 5 hints for planning your wedding which you will probably need to consider, whatever your circumstances.

  1. The budget

You’ll be very fortunate, if this isn’t one of your prime concerns. You’ll need to work together with anyone who is helping you here (probably your family?), and decide rationally what you will spend. It’s no good getting carried away with enthusiasm – you need self-discipline.

Big as the occasion may be, you do not want to bankrupt yourselves. And remember that the amount spent does not guarantee the success of the marriage!

The real event is (or should be) the ceremony.  Do you really want the reception to mean more than the vows?

Good taste and sincerity are surely what matter.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few OTT touches (budget permitting), but that should be a bonus rather than what you are aiming at. There are probably certain elements that you will insist on, and it’s as well to discuss these at the outset, so that they aren’t overlooked later.

The budget will also dictate the ceremony, participants, reception and number of guests to invite, but that is something I cover elsewhere, notably in my book “Your Wedding Guide”.

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  1. Date & location

Naturally, it will be more expensive to schedule your wedding at peak times (such as summer holidays, Christmas or around Valentine’s Day). You may want to avoid major events, such as World Cups and holiday season, when your potential guests may be otherwise engaged.

You’ll need to consider climate too, if you want an outdoor wedding.

The venue should, of course, be where you want it to be, but if it’s in an exotic location, your guests may have to go to a lot of expense and trouble to attend, so keep that in mind.

 

  1. Other Suppliers

As soon as you have settled on your budget, start discussing other suppliers that you may need. Like the venue, which may need a year or more advance warning, you should allow plenty of time, in order to secure the supplier of your choice.

Among others, you will need to consider florists, caterers, musicians and, not least, celebrant. Where possible, you should meet with these first, so you can feel confident you have made the right choices. All that takes time, so allow for that.

  1. Choosing theme and colours

It’s easy to get excited and let your imagination run away with your wallet. Keep your budget in mind, use wedding books and planning guides and whatever resources are available to you.

Do not over-decorate. Make full use of flowers and candles.

Be creative with the colours. These may reflect the bride’s personality. Vivid colours (tastefully combined) can be most effective.

 

  1. Vows and music

The vows are one of the most important elements of a marriage. They should be well-planned – and audible. They are a public declaration of your mutual feelings, and should not be under-estimated.
Equally, the music should be planned carefully and be clearly audible. Make sure you choose lyrics that you want your guests to hear.

 

Hopefully, the planning will be a team effort (maybe even the groom will be involved!). If approached in the right way, it can be challenging, yes, but also exciting, and the end result so worthwhile. Enjoy!

 

Typical Ceremonies

Typical Ceremonies

You may have seen my recent blog about sample wedding and handfasting ceremonies. (Thanks for showing up again, then!) I promised also to show you some typical ceremonies that I might offer for Vow Renewals and Funerals. I shall be true to my word, as I hope you’d expect.

I’m a Civil Celebrant, so I create and conduct tailor-made ceremonies. That means that there’s no such thing as “typical”, actually. And I’m not now taking into account whether you want religious or humanist, or something in between! Nonetheless, I trust this will give you at least a flavour of what you might expect.

Vow Renewals

RING BLESSING
Rings are symbolic of the completed bond. The ring is without a beginning or end the ring goes on forever.
Circles of life, circles of love, these rings are given and received as a token of continuous never- ending love and devotion. They are an outward symbol of your inward promise that each of you have made to one another.

D., take C.’s hand… touch the ring that you have given to your Bride as the lasting symbol of your love.

Repeat after me, D: C., with this ring, I promise to continue to grow with you, to build our love, to speak openly and honestly, to listen to you, and to love and cherish you now and forever. This ring serves as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity.

C., take D.’s hand… touch the ring that you have given to your Groom as the lasting symbol of your love.

Repeat after me, C.: D., with this ring, I promise to continue to grow with you, to build our love, to speak openly and honestly, to listen to you, and to love and cherish you now and forever. This ring serves as the pledge of my love and as the symbol of our unity.

Canalside VR

UNITY CANDLE

“This Unity Candle is a symbol of the marriage, representing the two becoming one

Having recited their vows, the couple will now light each of the individual candles and jointly light the Unity Candle as a symbol of their recommitment to each other.

As C. and D. light the Unity Candle from their individual candles, they combine their own flames into one. As each candle may light another without diminishing its own light, so may two join together without diminishing each other. Marriage is a partnership where each may give of themselves, without losing that which makes each one unique.”

 

Funerals

Introductory

 (Name’s) earthly journey has ended (too soon) and yet we know that all that lives must die. Nothing prepares us for days like today because we are never ready to lose someone we love.
Grief is ultimately the price we pay for love. You know that the light of the most distant star continues to reach the earth long after the star itself has gone out, so (name’s) light and love will continue to shine in your hearts. This light never goes out because love lives in our hearts and love never dies.

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Reading

But although we mourn a life that has ended prematurely, we are mourning a full life. Wherever a life finishes, there it is complete. Its value lies not in its length but in the use that is made of it. A person may live into extreme old age, and yet have lived very little. It was Abraham Lincoln who said “It’s not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years.” There was certainly plenty of life in (name’s) years and we only have to look around this chapel to see the impact that he/she had on so many people.

And it’s important that our recollections of him/her, even today, are not unduly coloured by the deep sadness we feel at this time. Of course we shall grieve, of course we can’t avoid the sense of injustice, that one we cared about should have been snatched from us. But we owe it to (name’s) memory and everything he/she meant to us to honour and celebrate his/her life, to focus on the positive reminiscences, to recapture some of those things that made him/her the unique and special person he/she was, and to smile as we remember him/her. The character, humour and individuality that were so much a feature of (name’s) life will live on in the memories of friends and family much longer than the acute sadness we are feeling at his/her passing.

 

Poem

 

Vanished Stars

There are stars up above,

So far away we only see their light

Long, long after the star itself is gone.

 

And so it is with people that we loved –

Their memories keep shining ever brightly

Though their time with us is done.

But the stars that light up the darkest night,

These are the lights that guide us.

As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.

 

Hannah Senesh

 

So just an idea, perhaps, of what we can put together for you. If you would like to find out more, please contact me on 07931 538487 or at celebrant@vowsthatwow.co.uk. I look forward to being able to help you further.