Your wedding ought to be the biggest day of your life. It won’t come to pass without stress. That’s natural.
You may be arranging a really big do. There are so many things to organise both for the ceremony and the reception.
It’s important that everything runs smoothly. You’d love your guests to enjoy and look back at the occasion favourably. You’d like to look your best throughout. You want the day to go smoothly and memorably. You should be able to relax and enjoy the whole event.
That’s quite a lot of expectations. Of course, to fulfil that puts stress on you.
A bit of stress is not a bad thing, though. Adrenaline will help you function well.
Major stress is another thing, and will spoil your enjoyment (and possibly that of others too).
So how do you minimise stress?
Attitude and preparation are both key.
Attitude
Of course, absolutely anything can go wrong. I have seen a number of unexpected mishaps in my time (though not as many as one might expect!). If you so choose, you can focus on these and worry yourself stupid.
However, you can take a positive attitude and focus on the things that might go well! The right mind-set will take the pressure off those helping you create the event. It will also make life that bit more enjoyable for you (and for those around you).
Accept that things do go wrong. These problems may be minor (and often go unnoticed) and will be easily forgiven. And, especially if you work with professionals, your team may be able to resolve them quickly and painlessly.
Moreover, it often works out that the more you obsess over imagined issues, the more they materialise in reality.
Preparation
If you do everything yourself (or with the help of some relatives/friends), then something may well get overlooked or done inefficiently. More than that, if you are the sole responsible person, then you’re bound to be worrying about slip-ups and the like.
If you surround yourself with professionals, they will know what needs doing (to prevent issues) and can take action, if something does go amiss.
Moreover, the earlier (within reason!) you get your act together, the better. Your suppliers will have time to source what they need and can do a better job.
Although a do-it-yourself event is cheaper and potentially satisfying, there is one vital element you will necessarily be missing: peace of mind. That should not be under-estimated. It can make the difference between enjoyment and complete frustration. Hopefully, you’ll only be doing this once!
Peace of mind will be much more of a given, if you entrust the organisation to professionals.
For a professional take on your ceremony, please have a chat with me.
I’m often asked to talk about my favourite ceremony. Wow! I’ve conducted nearly three hundred in my nine or so years as a civil celebrant, so which to choose?
And why would it be my “favourite”? Because of the people involved, the venue, the ceremony itself, or a combination?
Even if we ignore the funerals, baby blessings and vow renewals, and stick to weddings, there’s quite a choice!
I shall force myself to settle for three, so these might be them:
Lovely People
A St Peter Port sight
This category could encompass so many families, but I particularly enjoyed my rapport with a Guernsey family. They had to pay for board and lodging for me when I came over to officiate. That was standard: I had to stay two nights to accommodate a rehearsal and the wedding itself. What I didn’t anticipate was the beautiful hotel they booked for me in the centre of St Peter Port. They even suggested a restaurant for me, which they paid for, and it certainly was not one of the cheapest!
The family treated me so well, wanting me to have positive memories of Guernsey, and they really succeeded. I wasn’t “just a supplier”.
But the icing on the cake came when I left.
Despite glorious sun in St Peter Port, dense fog greeted us at the airport, and all flights for the rest of the day were cancelled. Not the family’s fault, but, when they found out we had had to stay at a hotel (a different, but still very acceptable, one) for another night, they reimbursed me fully.
Lovely Venue
Perfect setting for a wedding
I’ve been so lucky to have officiated in some stunning country houses and hotels. Any of them deserve a mention, but I’m going to be disciplined and plump for one only.
Thanks to my knowledge of Russian, I was booked to conduct a ceremony in Cyprus (that sounds illogical, but it wasn’t!). The couple took over a 5* hotel about 45 minutes’ drive up from Paphos. The venue overlooked the ocean and the terrace was decorated with hundreds of pink flowers. Quite unforgettable!
Lovely Ceremony
Handfasting wedding
At the other end of the scale regarding budget, I experienced a really memorable ceremony one January. The couple arranged for me to set up (which I did an hour in advance) in the open air at Old Sarum. This is a very exposed Iron Age fort overlooking Salisbury.
The couple were to get legally married at the local Register Office before driving up for the bespoke ceremony. Unfortunately, traffic delayed them about 45 minutes.
Remember, this was January and I was in a spot with no shelter for what turned out to be a couple of hours, even before the ceremony started!
Somehow, despite local flooding and although it poured the night before and there was a thunderstorm later that afternoon, the weather held off for me and the wedding party.
The ceremony – already special – stood out because it was a half-Jew marrying a pagan, with elements from both religions being included (and explained by me!). I’ll never forget the Unity Cup ritual, where, rather than drink a modest drop of wine, the groom virtually demolished the whole bottle on the spot!
I hope you’ve enjoyed joining me down memory lane (I certainly did!). If you want me to help you create some unforgettable memories, just have a word.
Although demand has levelled off a bit since COVID, things are becoming a bit more ‘normal’. I have noticed increased interest in Vow Renewals, but the same questions tend to come up. I hope my answers can be useful.
Does a Vow renewal have to take place on the anniversary?
Of course, it’s nice to mark the anniversary on the exact date, but there’s no compulsion. In my experience, people aim for the same week or even month, but I’d gladly celebrate an occasion for my clients whatever the date.
What does a Vow Renewal consist of?
Unlike the wedding ceremony, a Vow Renewal requires no legal paperwork, and there are no obligatory elements. You may wish to include certain rituals (lighting a Unity Candle, for example, or including family members as participants), but there is no set formula. You really can have the ceremony that you want, and your celebrant will be happy to advise and guide you.
Where should a Vow renewal take place?
Again, there is no obligation as regards the venue. You can hold the ceremony by the side of your favourite canal, or in your back garden. You can hire a hotel or manor house. It’s entirely up to you.
Why bother with a Vow Renewal?
There are numerous reasons to celebrate the occasion.
Your anniversary year may end in a 5 or 0.
You may want to proclaim your mutual love publicly.
Things may have changed since your marriage (eg your vows), and you’d like to update the position.
Your family may have altered (children?) and you’d like a ceremony to reflect that.
You simply want a big celebration!
How does it work?
You would organise the event like any life-cycle occasion. So you’d need to settle on a venue, send out invitations, possibly arrange catering, and the like. For the ceremony you may well want a civil celebrant, who can help you to put together a fantastic ceremony that’s perfect for you, and who will conduct it memorably.
So don’t delay! Speak to your favoured civil celebrant and arrange something that everybody will love. We all need a bit of cheering up, and this is a very good way to do it!
We’re human. We don’t always get along. Even on important occasions.
Preventing disagreements is preferable to resolving them. Obviously, that isn’t always possible, but it’s a great start to show openness and willingness to compromise.
As a wedding celebrant, I shouldn’t expect to see fractious behaviour at all – after all, people are supposed to be having the happiest day of their lives!
However, I have witnessed a few incidents – mostly, in the run-up to the wedding.
Cussedness
I was supposed to be conducting a mixed-faith wedding blessing. I had been found by the (Jewish) father, who was a divorcee; it had not been a happy separation. Whatever he opted for would be opposed by the wife out of principle. As he (and the couple) wanted me to officiate, she vetoed the proposal. Moreover, if they went ahead and used me, she would stop all her relatives attending! (By the way, I hadn’t even met her!)
Bridezilla
It was very difficult to witness the way the bride-to-be treated the groom when we had our rehearsals. On both occasions, the bride was incredibly tense. (It was to be a high society wedding, but still …!) Whatever the groom said (and he was extremely reasonable and placatory) sent her into fury. She screamed on occasion and yelled at him in front of the suppliers in a most humiliating fashion. I would have pulled out of the marriage, if I’d been him!
I confess, I was tempted to intervene, but was wise enough to hold my tongue and accept the situation. It was down to the groom to resolve things, and somehow they made it to marriage. On the wedding day, Bridezilla was the embodiment of sweetness and charm. A wonderful day was had by all!
Solutions
Going back to my introductory remarks, what do I mean by “openness” and “compromise”?
If there’s a problem of any kind, it pays to discuss it as soon as possible, however unpleasant a prospect that may be. If you let things go on as they are, the issue may deteriorate and then the whole thing will come out anyway.
Equally, if there’s a feeling of unfairness, then don’t let it fester. Better to bring it out into the open and try and resolve it early.
“Compromise” brings with it the idea of listening. Not just listening to your partner’s grievance(s), but understanding what has actually set them off. You may be “in the right”, but you shouldn’t dismiss your partner’s views or feelings. More likely, there’s a mixture of right and wrong, and you may be able to steer a middle path. But listening and being open-minded are paramount.
If the worst comes to the worst, find an intermediary (that you can agree on!).
A gung-ho attack is unlikely to do anything for your partner except to antagonise them. That’s hardly likely to serve either of you, is it?
Even the best-laid plans can go astray. Wedding plans tend to be ‘well-laid’, but, even in this field, nothing can be guaranteed.
I propose to give a couple of examples of things that went astray in ceremonies I was involved in. I believe there may be some lessons that can be derived from the stories.
Responsibility
In many cases, each member of the wedding party has a particular job. The groom, in many ways, has the easiest task at the ceremony. He greets the guests as they arrive, and he brings the rings.
At one quite illustrious wedding (the Royal Box, Epsom Racecourse), the groom arrived soon after me, about an hour before the ceremony. More as a joke, I asked him if he had the rings.
His pale face was eloquent!
He had left them at the hotel. Luckily, it was nearby, and he could get back to the box before the bride arrived!
Lesson: check everything before setting out.
Stress
Understandably, people are often stressed on their big day. That makes them liable to forget things!
For an open-air wedding, I had reminded the groom a day or two beforehand to bring a wine bottle for the Loving Cup ritual. I was happy to bring some, or they could provide it. “We’ll handle it,” he replied cheerfully.
Needless to say, when I arrived, there was no bottle on the table. I sought out the groom. “Oh, yes, I’ll sort it now,” he promised.
Off he went, only to return a few minutes before the start empty-handed. He’d forgotten!
So I sneaked off to the bar and fetched one. Not an issue.
Lesson: Don’t make assumptions.
Communication
If you’re having a wedding at the Savoy in London, in front of 200 guests, you kind of want it to go off smoothly. Don’t you?
So one of the things I do well in advance is to send the couple my running script; that way, they can see exactly what I am going to say and what is going to happen.
All seemed ready as we awaited the starting gun in the foyer. Suddenly a six-year-old boy comes up to me with a cushion and asks me what he is supposed to be doing. He knew his name was Alexis, but not much else! Certainly, not who had sent him to me or why. Anyway, the signal was given, so in we went.
All seemed to be going smoothly until the exchanging of the rings. At this point, I invited the best man, Ahmed, to bring up the rings. Nobody moved. I called Ahmed by name, but with no more success.
In a flash of inspiration, I said, “Perhaps Alexis can help us.” up he came – with the rings on his cushion! They had changed Best Man, but not thought to tell me!
Lesson: communicate!
So these are just a few examples of areas where errors can occur. If you want to minimise errors, have a chat with me. I’ll do my very best to ensure conscientious preparation for your big day.
