by Michael | Feb 10, 2015 | Blog
It’s quite well-known that a huge percentage of people consider the prospect of dying preferable to public speaking.
In fact, most people involved in a wedding are likely to be afflicted by some sort of attack of wedding day nerves. A bit of adrenalin is good, but more extreme effects can include near-paralysis, mood-swings, depression and plain despair.
That’s not what anybody wants on a wedding day.
Why the nerves?
Nerves can surface because you fear your role or because you believe everything will go wrong.
One way to reassure yourself is to choose reliable suppliers, do everything as far in advance as is reasonably possible and re-confirm in reasonably good time. If you’ve planned sensibly, there should be no need for pessimism.
As for roles, every ceremony will be different, so there can be no one-size-fits-all approach, but I offer the following nuggets.
General remarks
- Whatever your job is – whether or not it needs a list – you must have ensured well in advance that you understand what is expectated of you. If your tasks involve planning, do check in good time that everything is as ready as possible.
- Arrive in good time on the day – allowing for traffic delays and the like.
- Try and be as relaxed as possible. If things go wrong – and small things often will – they can often be remedied thanks to no more than a cool head and goodwill. Most people will be understanding, helpful, supportive and good-humoured at a wedding. They have come to participate in a great day, and will want it to succeed as much as you do.
- If you are getting stressed, though, stop and take half a dozen deep breaths and get back in control.
- Alcohol is not a great idea (well, not until you have completed your particular role).
Parents
The bride’s father may have a speech to make, but, as I have advised elsewhere (http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sG), this should be short and simple. It can be read from a card, if necessary (although preferably not verbatim). Nobody has demanding expectations of him, so he only really needs to smile and speak slowly and clearly
Otherwise, parents’ participation in the ceremony may include walking the bride up the aisle, perhaps, but there will be nothing unexpected or trying. Moreover, the celebrant will be in charge then, and can guide you, if needed.
The money’s been spent – there’s nothing more you can do. Don’t criticise or fault-find. Relax and enjoy the special day!
Best Man
This role differs enormously from ceremony to ceremony. It usually involves holding and handing over the wedding ring, when requested. A good tip is to put the ring on your little finger until needed – but don’t put it over your knuckle! Your role may entail guiding the groom at every stage; it may even involve being a kind of master-of-ceremonies and photo-shoot organiser.
It will surely involve giving a speech. May I refer you to a previous blog, which covers this at length: http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sR.
Ushers, bridesmaids etc.
In most cases, you have been given an honorary position, so you have a limited (but important) role. The bridesmaids are there to support the bride and – to be honest – to look pretty. The ushers will need to help get people in to (and possibly out of) the ceremony venue. There may be other jobs later, but there is no need to be nervous. Smart, punctual and charming are the watchwords here. Enjoy.
Groom
The groom’s job is to remember the ring, be early and welcome people as they arrive (which should be enjoyable, as almost everybody will greet you with a big smile – and being nervous isn’t going to help you socialise!).
You don’t have to do much at the ceremony – the celebrant will prompt you. You will have to put the ring on the bride’s finger and you may need to recite the vows. (You can learn them off by heart, but much less stressful would be to use notes or read them from a 3 x 5 card – or even repeat them after the celebrant.)
The ceremony will whizz past and then it’s normally a question of signing the register (not too arduous!), the photos and eventually cutting the cake.
The only thing I have not yet mentioned is your speech. Again, I have written about this before in detail elsewhere, so please do have a look: http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sG.
Bride
Ordinarily, the bride shows up (not late, please!) a few minutes before ‘kick-off’. Her job is to be admired, – a beautiful dress and a lovely smile will go far. Sure, she will be the centre of attention, but she will be on a cloud of goodwill, so she needn’t be apprehensive.
Just remember that everybody is rooting for you all, and thousands of people have done what you are doing and survived. Some have even enjoyed themselves!
by Michael | Sep 30, 2014 | Blog
One of the highlights of a wedding reception is – or should be! – the speeches.
There are normally three of these, offered by the father of the bride, the best man and the groom.
The father’s speech
Although he may well have financed much, or all, of the event, the bride’s father will only be expected to make a short speech. He may make some (flattering!) reference to the groom and his family, but his job is really to thank everyone for coming and to invite them to have a wonderful time.
The Best Man’s speech
The Best Man has unparalleled knowledge of the groom, and will normally use it to great advantage. He will relate (hopefully!) funny anecdotes that indicate some character traits that not everybody may realise – or, even better, that they do all recognise! The speech should last between about five and ten minutes, depending.
The Best Man (and all speech-makers) should steer clear of politics, insults, bad language and religion. I plan to do another blog on the Best Man’s speech.
The Groom’s speech
Just as one hopes the Best Man’s speech will shed light on the groom in a witty and entertaining manner, so the Groom has his chance to talk about his new wife. He will alo want to thank people who have made the day possible (including the guests), but he will probably want to demonstrate his affection and express his emotions in some way.
Elements
It is vital that the speech is not too long. Ten minutes should be quite enough. It should focus on the bride – what she means to him, possibly how bride and groom met and maybe an anecdote that shows why he chose her. Vitally, it should be sincere.
Of course, the Groom needs to thank everyone who contributed to the wedding (not just financially!). So it will be the parents of the bride, the participants (bridesmaids, ushers, etc.) and the guests. Absent friends may be mentioned here. Without overdoing it, a bit about the best man could go in (preferably, including a story about something he and the Groom both got up to once).
Delivery
It’s unwise to rely on memory (especially on such a day), but reading out from a long script can be boring. The Groom should use notes, and try and make eye contact with his audience as much as possible.
However, when talking about his new wife, what attracted him, why he loves her, an interesting/humorous episode together, the Groom can address his remarks directly to her. A compliment is unlikely to be taken amiss (and the guests will love it too!).
It’s important to try and vary delivery, so it is not monotonous.
Speed
A good tip, however much nerves may be jangling, the Groom should take his time, and avoid mumbling or gabbling. He should speak loudly and clearly. People will really want to hear what he has to say, so it’s not good to frustrate and deprive them!
Humour
Starting with a joke is fine. However, the joke must be funny – and not crude or offensive. Rather than telling lame jokes, it may be better to leave them out altogether.
If the groom is determined to tell a joke, it should be directed gently at the best man (NOT at the new in-laws, unless it is definitely appropriate and they will be OK with it! Startting a marriage off on the wrong foot is not advisable…).
I took a great risk at my wedding, because I chose to be quite rude about my new wife. I got away with it (although I am still suffering the fall-out to this day!) because my comments were funny (no, really!), but it’s a dangerous game to play.
Finish
When the Groom has done what he set out to achieve, he should stop while he’s ahead. He can propose a toast to the bridesmaids and/or his wife and then pass the microphone to his best man.
Notes to Grooms
- Don’t forget to thank your in-laws if they financed the affair. Thank your father-in-law for his speech (and for producing such a wonderful daughter). Thank everybody on behalf of your wife too. Make mention of guests from afar, or special guests, your in-laws and your own parents. Don’t thank the caterers, florists etc. who have been paid for their services. Try not to spend too long thanking people.
- Don’t read out long lists.
- Resist the temptation to get blind drunk before your speech!
- Check beforehand with your best man that there’s no clash or excessive overlap/repetition in what you are both going to say in your speeches.
Prepare thoroughly beforehand, remember the tips about delivery, and you will make a wonderful speech that you will enjoy making and your guests will love hearing.
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London, or, indeed, Europe.
by Michael | Jun 10, 2014 | Blog
As the wedding season swings into gear, it is easy to overlook certain tips that may make your wedding day that bit better.
Obviously, common sense and good manners will guide the vast majority of us very smoothly, but weddings can be a time of stress (we’re dealing with other people, after all!), and behaviour may be altered as a result.
As a civil celebrant myself, I have to point out that the celebrant should be able to play a role in smoothing the way much of the time, but not everything will be within their control!
Bride
- Ensure you don’t get rolling drunk! Apart from anything else, there will be plenty of embarrassing photographic evidence to haunt you later in life. It may also not make the best possible impression on your new relatives!
- Try and make sure you speak to all your wedding guests (they have come to see and support you).
Bridegroom
- Much of the stress in the run-up to the wedding day is borne by the bride. Do what you can, especially on the day, to share the load.
- Don’t hide away with your mates; meet and make conversation with your new wife’s friends and even relatives.
- Don’t get rolling drunk! You have a speech to deliver effectively and the comments I aimed at the bride apply to you just as much.
The bride’s mother
It is good to remember whose big day it actually is – it’s really your daughter’s. So be there early, be willing to help, but don’t criticise either other people or arrangements. This just compounds any stress being experienced.
Be prepared to play second fiddle.
The Groom’s mother
As with the bride’s mother, be supportive rather than domineering or critical. Be helpful and open and say nice things to the bride! Don’t try and get revenge for a perceived slight during the wedding planning.
The Father(s)
Just like the bride and groom, you need to be sober and in control, not least when toasting the couple’s marriage.
Don’t use the opportunity to get even with somebody who you feel has affronted you during the wedding build-up.
The Best Man
You have a huge responsibility (so it’s possibly even more important that you do not get blind drunk).
- You need to keep the groom on schedule
- You need to check the groom hasn’t forgotten anything (a check-list is a great idea)
- You will probably be responsible for the ring
- Depending on what’s been arranged, you may need to look after logistics (eg helping the photographer organise the photo shoot or liaising with the venue over certain arrangements)
- As you will presumably be delivering a major speech, remember advice I have already offered elsewhere (https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/?p=507 ). As a minimum, ensure your speech is clear, funny, inclusive, reasonably brief and in no way offensive (either personally, politically or religiously).
Maid of Honour
It’s worth having a bridal emergency kit ready on the day (safety pins, wipes, even chocolate). Reassure the bride wherever possible.
Ushers (groomsmen)
Exercise your charm when showing people to their places. At the reception, dance with single ladies (especially older ones). Be on your best behaviour (and that includes controlling your drink intake).
Bridesmaids
Ensure you are on time and ready on the day. Your job is to look beautiful and support the bride. Button up any negative criticisms you may have. Stay reasonably sober too.
Children
If children are participating, make sure they have been well briefed, that they understand their role and the behaviour that will be expected of them. If their patience is likely to be stretched during the ceremony, have somebody responsible keep an eye on them, and offer them distractions such as a book.
At the reception, there may be a children’s table and activities, but be prepared to occupy a potentially tired, bored and fractious child. And don’t get drunk out of your mind and expect others to look after your offspring!
I hope these tips will prove practical. They are the fruits of observations of potential pitfalls and pratfalls. Most of the latter can be avoided relatively easily with sense and control. Good luck!
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.
