by Michael | Nov 21, 2017 | Blog
Oh, no! The groom turns up without a ring. The hotel is making a barbecue, but the kitchen goes up in flames. The bride is late – very late – for the wedding and can’t be traced.
These are all things that have happened in my experience as a civil wedding celebrant, and I have come to know that I must “always expect the unexpected”.
Resolving the issues
Perhaps you’d care to know the outcome of those situations?
The groom had left the ring in his hotel room. Fortunately, the hotel was a short drive away, and he had arrived early. He managed to retrieve the ring and return before his bride (who was fashionably late) arrived. Not the best of starts to a wedding, though.
The fire meant that we were unable to use the interior of the House until the Fire Brigade had cleared it. They came quite quickly, but, as it was a Grade One listed building, the checks took for ever. I was about to suggest an outdoor ceremony (despite the large number of guests and lack of public address system outside), but we got the ‘go–ahead’ just in time.
The bride was known for her punctuality, but was half an hour late on a very hot day. After about twenty minutes, the Best Man had tried to contact her, but there was no reception (wouldn’t you just know it!). The groom became progressively more agitated – all the more so, when some tactful soul suggested that his bride might be standing him up at the proverbial altar. (Yes, someone really said that!)
Fortunately, not long afterwards, the bride did arrive (the driver had got lost!).
Who’d have expected it?
According to my understanding, I am a civil celebrant, charged with creating ceremonies and conducting them. But I’ve currently been asked to do some rather different jobs, which I hadn’t foreseen.
Firstly, I have been asked to write a Vow Renewal ceremony. Nothing odd about that, you say. But it’ll take place in Australia. Unfortunately, the couple are not thinking of paying for me to go out there (so stingy!!), so I won’t actually be conducting it.
Secondly, I was asked to do some business work, proof-checking profile texts for LinkedIn and the like, and rewriting where necessary.
Thirdly, I have been invited to interview a 90-year-old, then transcribe and edit his reminiscences. Absolutely fascinating (especially the war years), although the transcribing is not quite as exciting.
Finally, I have been asked to start work for a client. Nothing strange about that, you’ll agree. But what is odd is that I don’t recognise the name of the person, and I have no information about where and when the ceremony will be held (and what type of ceremony)! (Not ideal.)
I presume that the potential client spoke to me quite a time ago, and has now decided to go with me. Having nothing more than a name (which rings no bells for me) and an address, to which I have sent an explanatory letter, I am awaiting developments.
Unpredictable it may be, but I’m not complaining. All this flirting with the unexpected makes my job even more wonderful!
by Michael | Dec 4, 2015 | Blog
Of course, you want things to go well for your wedding. In fact, you want a wonderful wedding! But it doesn’t just depend on you. Does everybody understand their role?
Weddings can be a time of stress, so it’s important for people to make allowances.
As a civil celebrant myself, I have to point out that the celebrant should be able to play a role in smoothing the way much of the time, but not everything will be within their control!
Here is some advice for those playing an active role in the proceedings:
Bride
- Ensure you don’t get rolling drunk! Apart from anything else, there will be plenty of embarrassing photographic evidence to haunt you later in life. It may also not make the best possible impression on your new relatives!
- Try and make sure you speak to all your wedding guests (they have come to see and support you).
Bridegroom
- Much of the stress in the run-up to the wedding day is borne by the bride. Do what you can, especially on the day, to share the load.
- Don’t hide away with your mates; meet and make conversation with your new wife’s friends and even relatives.
- Don’t get rolling drunk! You have a speech to deliver effectively and the comments I aimed at the bride apply to you just as much.
The bride’s mother
It is good to remember whose big day it actually is – it’s really your daughter’s. So be there early, be willing to help, but don’t criticise either other people or arrangements. This just compounds any stress being experienced.
Be prepared to play second fiddle.
The Groom’s mother
As with the bride’s mother, be supportive rather than domineering or critical. Be helpful and open and say nice things to the bride! Don’t try and get revenge for a perceived slight during the wedding planning.
The Father(s)
Just like the bride and groom, you need to be sober and in control, not least when toasting the couple’s marriage.
Don’t use the opportunity to get even with somebody who you feel has affronted you during the wedding build-up.
If you want advice on the best man, maid of honour, ushers, bridesmaids and children, please be patient, as my very next blog will address this.
by Michael | Sep 1, 2015 | Blog
It is difficult to imagine a wedding without the mother of the bride somewhere in the forefront!
Source: telegraph.co.uk
Of course, it is right and proper that the bride and, indeed, the groom should have the limelight. Yet it would be wrong to underestimate the contribution that the bride’s mother will have made in the run-up (and even on the day itself).
Tasks
One of the bride’s mother’s first tasks will happen soon after the news of the engagement: making contact with the groom’s parents – face-to-face, if possible, or, at least, over the phone. It’s important to start on a good footing, as there’ll probably be need for co-operation and agreement later on, when making the arrangements.
Another early job may be putting together the engagement party, if there is one, but that is simply a warm-up exercise!
Whether or not the bride’s parents are stumping up all or part of the cash for the wedding, the mother of the bride will probably be fully involved helping her daughter with the planning. That normally entails choosing the venue, deciding on the guest list and dress-shopping, although it can include things like choosing the menu, etc.
The big challenge
One of the most demanding balancing acts is moderating the level of control the bride’s mother will wish to exercise. It is sometimes difficult to square what she sees as practicalities and necessities with the fact that it is actually the couple’s big day and their wishes absolutely need to be respected. Tact, understanding and persistence (on both sides) are qualities that may come into their own. It would be tragic if the mother-daughter relationship were to collapse due to ego or petty intolerance.
Venue
Budget will play a role, but the couple must feel sure that the venue will meet their needs – and that goes for atmosphere, catering, accommodation – and that the home team can be relied upon to look after them properly.
Celebrant
An area where the mother of the bride may offer valuable advice is the ceremony itself. However, it really should be down to the couple to make the final decisions here. They should be able to choose the degree of religiosity, rituals, music, readings, participants etc. There may need to be some compromising!
Dress
When the bride chooses her dress, her mother will surely have useful input to offer, but the bride should not be bludgeoned into wearing something she will not feel happy or comfortable in.
Guest list
It’s always difficult to agree how many and whom to invite. The couple may well appreciate guidance here. Especially if the parents are bankrolling the event, they should expect a measure of choice as to who is invited, but the couple’s wishes are paramount. It may help to draw up a list of “essential” guests (the closest relatives and friends) and then, if money and space permit, moving on to the “desired” guests. Only after that, consider inviting less close contacts.
The Wedding itself
The wedding day is not the time for the bride’s mother to start complaining! What’s done is done, and pointing out “I told you so!” is only likely to antagonise people and potentially ruin proceedings. Support and love are what matter now.
The mother of the bride will traditionally be part of the processional and will head up any receiving line at the reception. Her contribution will normally be acknowledged in the speeches.
The bride’s mother has some real multi-tasking to do: over the months, she must be confidante, adviser, sounding-board and supporter for her daughter. The bride will be embarking on a new journey – although she need not become independent of her parents even now – but what a contribution her mother can make, as she sends her daughter out from the nest feeling confident, happy and full of love!
by Michael | Jun 2, 2015 | Blog
In the majority of cases, the bride and her family are the driving force behind the wedding arrangements. In some cases, the groom is invited to share his opinion and, perhaps, rubber-stamp a few details. Many grooms prefer it that way too! But usually, the groom is a mere bystander, totally reliant on the ladies.
However, involving the groom in certain areas, as well as being psychologically tactful, can actually play to his strengths and bring real benefit.
I suggest that he can play a part in the following areas:
Source: www.polkadotbride.com
Clothing – this is a dangerous one, I confess, as a groom’s dress sense is not always impeccable, as my wife will tell anyone willing to listen. However, the groom should be allowed to choose what he (and the ushers) will wear (even if judicious guidance may possibly be volunteered!).
Drinks – probably safer ground here. The groom could be put in charge of the bar menu (as long as he doesn’t sample too enthusiastically – albeit in the interests of science, of course!).
Activities – the groom may have some useful input into activities that you might want to offer at the reception. It could be entertainers, magicians, photo-booths, or whatever.
Theme – you are presumably intending to spend the foreseeable future (and perhaps your whole life) with your partner. Why not see if you can’t work together and come up with a theme for the day? The groom may be surprisingly creative. (Or not.)
Music – this is a very important area at most weddings, both at the ceremony and at the reception. The groom is likely to have his thoughts and wishes about this, and should be part of the decision-making process.
Photography – the groom should be involved in planning discussions with the photographer/videographer. I’m not just talking about poses but also who is going to be snapped/filmed.
Transport – if you are splashing out on a special car to take you to and from the ceremony, perhaps it could be the car of the groom’s dreams?
Basics – Flowers, menus, decoration, dresses – all these are the domain of the bride’s side. However, I think the groom must have a say in the budget, the choice of venue, the guest list and the type of ceremony and celebrant. The areas mentioned above are up for discussion. Unless the groom really chooses to opt out altogether (surely not on the biggest day of his life?), he should be able to play a part in the big decisions. His opinion may not always coincide with the bride’s or her family’s, but it is his wedding too. That said, there may have to be some give and take and (polite) bargaining too!
Based on an idea by Mike Staff of Michigan Wedding Planning & Ideas.
by Michael | Feb 10, 2015 | Blog
It’s quite well-known that a huge percentage of people consider the prospect of dying preferable to public speaking.
In fact, most people involved in a wedding are likely to be afflicted by some sort of attack of wedding day nerves. A bit of adrenalin is good, but more extreme effects can include near-paralysis, mood-swings, depression and plain despair.
That’s not what anybody wants on a wedding day.
Why the nerves?
Nerves can surface because you fear your role or because you believe everything will go wrong.
One way to reassure yourself is to choose reliable suppliers, do everything as far in advance as is reasonably possible and re-confirm in reasonably good time. If you’ve planned sensibly, there should be no need for pessimism.
As for roles, every ceremony will be different, so there can be no one-size-fits-all approach, but I offer the following nuggets.
General remarks
- Whatever your job is – whether or not it needs a list – you must have ensured well in advance that you understand what is expectated of you. If your tasks involve planning, do check in good time that everything is as ready as possible.
- Arrive in good time on the day – allowing for traffic delays and the like.
- Try and be as relaxed as possible. If things go wrong – and small things often will – they can often be remedied thanks to no more than a cool head and goodwill. Most people will be understanding, helpful, supportive and good-humoured at a wedding. They have come to participate in a great day, and will want it to succeed as much as you do.
- If you are getting stressed, though, stop and take half a dozen deep breaths and get back in control.
- Alcohol is not a great idea (well, not until you have completed your particular role).
Parents
The bride’s father may have a speech to make, but, as I have advised elsewhere (http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sG), this should be short and simple. It can be read from a card, if necessary (although preferably not verbatim). Nobody has demanding expectations of him, so he only really needs to smile and speak slowly and clearly
Otherwise, parents’ participation in the ceremony may include walking the bride up the aisle, perhaps, but there will be nothing unexpected or trying. Moreover, the celebrant will be in charge then, and can guide you, if needed.
The money’s been spent – there’s nothing more you can do. Don’t criticise or fault-find. Relax and enjoy the special day!
Best Man
This role differs enormously from ceremony to ceremony. It usually involves holding and handing over the wedding ring, when requested. A good tip is to put the ring on your little finger until needed – but don’t put it over your knuckle! Your role may entail guiding the groom at every stage; it may even involve being a kind of master-of-ceremonies and photo-shoot organiser.
It will surely involve giving a speech. May I refer you to a previous blog, which covers this at length: http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sR.
Ushers, bridesmaids etc.
In most cases, you have been given an honorary position, so you have a limited (but important) role. The bridesmaids are there to support the bride and – to be honest – to look pretty. The ushers will need to help get people in to (and possibly out of) the ceremony venue. There may be other jobs later, but there is no need to be nervous. Smart, punctual and charming are the watchwords here. Enjoy.
Groom
The groom’s job is to remember the ring, be early and welcome people as they arrive (which should be enjoyable, as almost everybody will greet you with a big smile – and being nervous isn’t going to help you socialise!).
You don’t have to do much at the ceremony – the celebrant will prompt you. You will have to put the ring on the bride’s finger and you may need to recite the vows. (You can learn them off by heart, but much less stressful would be to use notes or read them from a 3 x 5 card – or even repeat them after the celebrant.)
The ceremony will whizz past and then it’s normally a question of signing the register (not too arduous!), the photos and eventually cutting the cake.
The only thing I have not yet mentioned is your speech. Again, I have written about this before in detail elsewhere, so please do have a look: http://wp.me/p5qOOT-sG.
Bride
Ordinarily, the bride shows up (not late, please!) a few minutes before ‘kick-off’. Her job is to be admired, – a beautiful dress and a lovely smile will go far. Sure, she will be the centre of attention, but she will be on a cloud of goodwill, so she needn’t be apprehensive.
Just remember that everybody is rooting for you all, and thousands of people have done what you are doing and survived. Some have even enjoyed themselves!
