Although my speciality, of course, is ceremonies, I have quite some experience of other aspects of weddings, and I’d like to focus on guests today.
Wedding invitations typically inspire one of two reactions:
“Yay! I’m getting married! Who can I invite?”
Or “Yay! I’ve just been invited to X’s wedding!”
Yes, wedding guests (from whichever angle you look at them) are good news.
But let’s look at both angles a bit more closely. There might be some surprises.
Inviting the Guests
It’s all very well having all your favourite people together for your big occasion, but most couples have a budget, and it may not stretch to inviting just anyone.
So you have to make decisions as to who makes the cut. Not always easy. Compromise and patience are the watchwords here.
Then, of course, there’s the question of inviting children (where relevant) or not. And do you invite some, but draw the line at others?
And what about “significant others”?
You may have to take into account dietary preferences ,etc.
Seating plans for the breakfast are potentially a dangerous area!
How much do you actually pay for? For example, will you offer a couple of drinks free and then have a cash bar?
Then what do you offer for entertainment? Do you lay on special entertainment for children? Or for the elderly?
Do you want a Wedding List, or do you prefer no gifts?
These are all considerations that deserve to be mulled over.
Being a Guest
It’s an honour and (hopefully!) a delight to be invited as a guest. However, that comes with a few potential issues.
How easy is the wedding date for you to accommodate? Can you juggle bookings to ensure you are free? Do you really want to? What if it’s a destination wedding, which involves an extended period away (and indefinite expense)?
Are there liable to be personality clashes or embarrassing encounters (eg you know an ex will be invited)? Are you going to find an excuse, or will you grin and bear it?
What gift(s) are you expected to purchase? Can you find something that the couple want/need? Is that within a reasonable budget from your point of view?
Will you need to spend money on new clothing for the occasion?
How easy is transportation going to be? Will the wedding be in a separate venue to the reception? How accessible are they both?
Talking of money, according to American Express, the average wedding guest will spend (when all is said and done) almost £900 attending a wedding. That’s quite significant!
So, whichever side of the fence you are sitting, don’t jump straight into inviting guests left, right and centre. Equally, weigh up the invitation you have received so you can make the right decision.
People are often quite curious about my work. One of the questions I sometimes get asked is “What is a celebrant’s typical day like?”
The first answer is that there isn’t a “typical” day, really. One of the beauties of the work that I do is that there’s a lot of variety. That’s standard.
Like anybody else, I have to read emails, answer irrelevant phone calls, keep accounts, dress appropriately when seeing clients, and so on, but we’ll take all these for granted.
Preparations
Depending on my diary, I can expect to be talking to a wedding couple – or to a funeral family – for an hour or so. Obviously, if it is face-to-face, travel has to be factored in.
Another major time-filler is writing the ceremony. Unlike some talented celebrants, I rarely compose my own words, but prefer to read widely and choose appropriate texts. These people can write better than me, so why not use them?!
Weddings
“Typical” will also depend on whether we are talking about a weekday or a weekend. If it’s a weekend wedding, then I’m off in good time, aiming to arrive an hour before the ceremony is due to start.
I will make contact with the couple (the groom, at least, as the bride may well not be on the premises) and any event planner. I will check that the venue is correctly set up, and sort out any discrepancies. I lay out what I need (could be handfasting ribbon, unity candle, quaich, or whatever. I usually liaise with photographers, florists and caterers.
I will make sure the groom is reasonably calm. I’ll also check he has the rings and, in general, knows what is expected of him.
Once the bride arrives, it’s down to me to conduct the ceremony. This may last between 25 minutes and an hour.
After the ceremony, although I may be asked to stay for photos, I am usually free to go home. I will never arrange two weddings in one day (potential for delays is too great!), so that should be the end of my day’s work.
Funerals
A “typical” funeral will take place at my local crematorium, about 5 miles away. So I normally leave an hour before the official start time, and sit in the car park until about 20 minutes before the start.
Then, I seek out the attendant and check the right music has been cued up. I leave him (it is normally a “he”) a copy of my “script”, just in case. We also agree on a photo to be projected on to the screen for the service. We try and make it as relevant to the deceased as possible.
Next up is to find the family and check all is in order and they know what will be happening over the next half hour or so.
When the Funeral Director arrives, we liaise and start as soon as possible. Again, this is down to me to lead (and direct if there are any participants involved).
Once the service ends, I go out with the family to the terrace and wait around for a while, in case anybody wants to speak to me.
I am sometimes invited back to the reception, but I don’t usually have the time, although I do sometimes drop in briefly.
So, as far as “typical” goes, I hope that gives a flavour of it!
Before you commit, you’re going to have questions to ask your celebrant. That’s normal.
I’m going to anticipate some of them for you.
How can I trust the Celebrant?
Word of mouth is obviously a good starting-point. However, you may not have witnessed a celebrant in action. You also may not know anybody who can recommend one to you.
The next best thing is to have a look at the Celebrant’s website. Look especially at testimonials (and also how the celebrant says they work with clients). The testimonials may reveal the celebrant’s strengths. Do these resonate for you too?
Before signing anything, have a chat with your celebrant. On the phone, by Zoom, or, best of all, face-to-face. Apart from anything else, you’re going to want to know that you can feel confident in your celebrant – and would be happy to work with them on your big day.
What about Cost and Ts & Cs?
However, unattractive it may be, reading the Ts and Cs is essential, if only for peace of mind. If you don’t understand something, then ask for clarification. You need to know precisely what the celebrant is offering – and what might not be included.
Your budget will dictate your outlay, of course, but, within reason, don’t despair if the celebrant is asking a little more than you had in mind. It’s important – and not that easy – to find someone who is right for you both, and worth paying for. If necessary, you may be able to save a little elsewhere, and use that to make up any deficit.
How about Cancellation?
Again, the Ts and Cs should cover this, but I take a non-refundable deposit (because I may have rejected work by accepting your booking). I am normally happy to rearrange, if some major change forces a postponement, and normally do this without extra charge.
If I have to cancel (but I never have in 10 years), then I will reimburse your balance and do my best to find a suitable replacement.
What USP can a Celebrant Offer?
A celebrant can give you variety. Depending on their processes, they can conduct a serious, even religious ceremony, or a spiritual one, or a combination. They can vary the tone. They can hold your hand throughout (not literally!), or let you realise your vision and merely advise. They can suggest and conduct spiritual rituals.
They are normally accomplished writers and presenters and can make any ceremony very special.
If you have further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
Considerable work and preparation goes into ensuring that a life-cycle ceremony goes smoothly and is memorable for the right reasons! However, even with the best-laid plans and the most accomplished professionals in place, things go pear-shaped occasionally. This tends to be the exception, rather than the rule, but these tales bear telling!
Not an error on anyone’s part, but just a sad episode. When I paid a family visit to put together a funeral, the solitary son was apologetic. “My mother was really secretive. I don’t know much about her.” To the extent that when he went through her papers, he discovered that one school day when he was 11, his parents had secretly got married! That was the first he knew of it. And the father abandoned his family quite soon afterwards.
One funeral limousine turned up at the wrong address, waking the residents, who must have had quite a surprise!
I haven’t done it myself yet, but I’ve attended a funeral where the officiant used entirely the wrong name when referring to the deceased! Not to be recommended.
I did get caught out quite early in my career. We had ordered a particular hymn. In those days, the chapel attendant waited for his cue and played the music from a remote booth. (He could see and hear me, but I couldn’t see him). I therefore always gave a copy of the “script” to the attendant as well as introducing the music that was to be played.
On this occasion, I announced the hymn, but nothing happened. Same again. Nothing. I simply had to move on with the service without the hymn.
It turns out that the attendant, experienced as he was, had simply forgotten about the hymn and gone outside for a bit! Understandably, the family weren’t best pleased!
On another occasion, I was invited to discuss the Order of Service with a charming family consisting of a brother and two sisters. Usually, after the family meeting, I would send a draft by email to the relevant parties and await their comments. We would tend to have about a week to get this sorted.
I duly sent out the emails to each of them. I must have copied the brother’s address wrongly, because that bounced. I therefore wrote again to one of the sisters, and asked her to forward the draft to him. She agreed.
The day before the funeral the brother rang me. Where was the draft? I told him that his sister had forwarded it to him. “She has nothing to do with me. There’s no way she’d have forwarded it!”
Families, families …
People say that I appear very calm and collected when officiating. Maybe, but I prefer not to think about what could happen …!
It can be dangerous to cut corners when planning weddings. However, it is not always necessary to “go the whole hog”. You can make savings.
Clearly, there are going to be differences between a society wedding and one with a dozen guests. Then there are destination weddings and back garden affairs. I won’t attempt to cover all of these here!
What I am suggesting is some short cuts that, if administered judiciously, should be safe and convenient – and save you some money!
Venue
At one extreme, you can (as indicated) hold a ceremony in your back garden. However, everything – including health and safety aspects – is down to you. You certainly won’t get the peace of mind a hotel (say) should offer you.
If booking a venue, you may be able to barter a little, especially if you’re happy to go out of season with your event. Summer is likely to be most expensive. Arranging your do earlier in the day may work out cheaper.
Wedding Planner
If you’re having a small wedding (especially if you’re using a venue with its own event planner), you may not need a wedding planner as well. Otherwise, I would suggest you at least consider using one.
Planners have contacts across the industry and may actually be able to save you money on suppliers. They take the worry out of the planning and running of the day, which can be invaluable.
You can usually choose either to book a planner for the whole process or simply book one for the day.
Catering
With a small event, you may be able to get away with organising this aspect yourself. But bear in mind that you will have to consider buying in the food and drink, setting up the seating, providing crockery and cutlery etc., heating (if appropriate) and serving the food (safely). Then you may need to cater for those with special dietary requirements (vegans, gluten-free, children, and so on).What about the clearing up?
Having the event professionally catered will not necessarily cost much more than doing it yourself, but will be a weight off your mind (and feet!).
Entertainment
This is down to you! Do you want a disco (but will elderly guests?!)? Do you want a DJ or MC? What about photo booths? A magician, perhaps?
Or none of them?!
Officiant
If you know someone who is a good public-speaker, could they take the service? You may be able to save some money that way. True, they may not be good at putting a memorable ceremony together, but they are a possibility, though not one I recommend.
However, a professional (like myself!) will put a lot of work in to ensure that the ceremony is unique and just what you want. Then, with their demeanour, professionalism and experience, they will virtually guarantee a truly memorable ceremony. You will be able to relax, confident in their ability, and that’s worth a lot.
Musicians and Florists
Live music is usually better for atmosphere, but may well cost more that a DJ.
In-season flowers will probably cost less than more exotic ones. You may choose to go easy on more expansive (and expensive) colour themes, if you want to cut a corner.
Photographers/Videographers
Not something I would skimp on. Those memories are irreplaceable. What if you got a friend to take the photos, and they made a mistake and couldn’t take any? Apart from the loss of tangible memories, would the relationship with that friend endure?
So splash out for these (although there are cheaper ones who are still very good).
Extras
I haven’t talked about rings, clothes or make-up artists, for example, which are probably de rigueur, as far as requirements go.
But there are other extras that you could avoid, if on a tight budget. Lovely as it was, having a barn owl deliver the ring for blessing, did not come cheap. Was it really necessary?
Well, it depends on your viewpoint and pockets.
For more advice, feel free to contact me, but I hope that this was a useful start.
