by Michael | Jun 11, 2018 | Blog
It won’t astonish anybody reading this if I state that marriage costs are steep! However, if you are just drawing up a budget, you may not realise that there are areas where you can cut a few corners.
“Guides for Brides” published the results of a recent survey. 7,500 brides were questioned during 2017, and these are some of the conclusions:
When and how
As you’d probably imagine, most weddings (60%) took place on a Saturday. Friday (at 23%) took the runner-up berth.
You might expect that most people chose to marry in a church (or other religious building). In fact, the majority (65%) chose a civil ceremony, with only 35% opting for full religious. Interestingly, 27.5% chose an unusual location – although I’m not sure what was defined as “unusual”!
Individual Items
Without being exhaustive – for example, this doesn’t take into account hairdressing/make-up, the reception and entertainment or wedding transport as individual items – some major areas of expenditure are as follows:
- the venue – probably one of your major outlays. The average cost of this was £4,450.
- the wedding dress – this could cost around £2,000, with suits coming in at £585.
- the wedding cake: £245
- flowers: £960
- honeymoon: £2,900
Budgeting and Saving
The total average budget, according to this survey, was £16,500. Some 84 guests attended weddings held during the day, and 120 in the evening.
Obviously, these figures only represent a guide. Everybody’s options and requirements are different. The prices will not remain constant.
As I indicated, by no means every expense is covered here. As a civil celebrant, I ought to point out that we have not mentioned registrars or celebrants. Both services need to be paid for! You may choose to employ a wedding planner, and they don’t come cheap.
So, by all means use this information as a starting point, but do your homework thoroughly. There are a variety of ways to reduce costs. Venues have wildly fluctuating prices, and they do not all offer the same facilities. You might hold your wedding in your garden rather than booking a venue at all.
You can choose to marry during the day – that is usually cheaper. The same applies if you avoid the most popular days (Saturday and Friday). You may prefer a buffet to silver service (or cater yourself), and that may save some expense. Offer a cash bar after providing a drink with canapés and a bottle of wine or two for the table to share. Omit canapés altogether, if you want!
You can be quite creative – and still offer a wonderful experience.
So now you’ve got some ideas, plan carefully. Then let yourself loose on those suppliers and go for the ceremony that YOU want. And if you need any more advice, just let me know!
by Michael | Nov 28, 2017 | Blog
I know: how long is a piece of string?! Everybody’s take on humour at a wedding ceremony is likely to be unique, so there’s never going to be a “one answer fits all” response. A wedding ceremony means such a lot – but there’s no compulsion for yours to be standardised, if you don’t want that.
Church
Of course, if you choose a full religious service, then you’ll have no options as far as content is concerned. There’s unlikely to be much humour. You know what you’re getting, and that suits plenty of people, so all well and good.
Register Office
Of course, you have the choice to have a secular ceremony instead. In each district the Registrars conduct their own service (although the core will be identical). So you will be at the mercy of geography when it comes to the atmosphere conjured up. Basically, you can expect about a 10-minute ceremony, plus time for signing the certificate. It may reek a bit of conveyor-belt. Maybe you’ll chance on a registrar with a sense of humour, but maybe you won’t!
Humour
What I’ve written so far seems to be suggesting that wedding ceremonies have to be serious after all. But, remember, there is a third way.
You can opt for another type of ceremony: a civil ceremony. Your civil celebrant builds a service that will be personalised to you, so the tone (as well as content) will normally be made to suit you precisely.
But how light-hearted do you want such an important ceremony to be? Of course, that depends entirely on you. However, there’s a good chance that you’ll include some serious elements. For example, I might give an address on the meaning of marriage; there could be a serious final blessing; exchanging the rings may be accompanied by fairly serious words; so might the vows.
Equally there is the potential for humour, and even laughter.
You may want to tell your story (how you met etc.), and that usually involves a funny anecdote or two. If you write your own vows, you can include humour, although most of it will probably be serious. The readings or poems can be amusing. I do enjoy this one by Pam Ayres:
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why:
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry.
And if we hear a knocking
And it’s creepy and it’s late,
I hand you the torch, you see,
And you investigate.
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes,
It’s you that has to mend it.
You have to face the neighbour
Should our Labrador, Jackson, attack him,
And if somebody makes me sad,
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you.
You’re virile and you’re lean,
Our house is like a pigsty
You’re amazing – you keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I cook canned soup,
You can cook every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track,
And when I’m feeling moody,
It’s you who gets the flak.
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so, before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
If you’re of a surreal inclination, you may even include readings that have nothing to do with marriage, but that you simply love. Neil Gaiman’s “The Day the Saucers Came” is a lovely example!
That Day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden,
Silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes,
And the people of Earth stood and
stared as they descended,
Waiting, dry-mouthed, to find out what waited inside for us
And none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow
But you didn’t notice because
That day, the day the saucers came, by some some coincidence,
Was the day that the graves gave up their dead
And the zombies pushed up through soft earth
or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable,
Came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran,
But you did not notice this because
On the saucer day, which was zombie day, it was
Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us
A ship built of dead-men’s nails, a serpent, a wolf,
All bigger than the mind could hold,
and the cameraman could
Not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out
But you did not see them coming because
On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods
day the floodgates broke
And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites
Offering us wishes and wonders and eternities
And charm and cleverness and true
brave hearts and pots of gold
While giants feefofummed across
the land and killer bees,
But you had no idea of any of this because
That day, the saucer day, the zombie day
The Ragnarok and fairies day,
the day the great winds came
And snows and the cities turned to crystal, the day
All plants died, plastics dissolved, the day the
Computers turned, the screens telling
us we would obey, the day
Angels, drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars,
And all the bells of London were sounded, the day
Animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day,
The fluttering capes and arrival of
the Time Machine day,
You didn’t notice any of this because
you were sitting in your room, not doing anything
not even reading, not really, just
looking at your telephone,
wondering if I was going to call.
So if you want a bit of humour at the altar, there are quite a lot of possibilities. In order to explore this further, please give Michael a call (07931 538487) or send ane-mail (celebrant@vowsthatwow.co.uk).
by Michael | Aug 8, 2017 | Blog
Let me not mislead you! “Marriage mishaps” do not mean marriages that break down. Rather, I am referring to mishaps that occur at weddings.
A few examples
The idea for this blog came yesterday, when I arrived an hour early to conduct a wedding in Enfield. Smoke was billowing from a courtyard at the venue, and the fire brigade had to be summoned. Obviously, nobody was allowed into the building, which potentially affected my preparations, as well as the caterers’ and sound operator’s etc.
The firemen were soon on the scene. (Fortunately, nobody was injured and minimal damage incurred.) However, it was almost time for the ceremony to begin before they cleared us to enter. I had started making arrangements for an impromptu open-air ceremony (it was a lovely afternoon), but I wasn’t sure how well older people would react, if there were no chairs available.
Fortunately, it never came to that.
Have I witnessed other mishaps in my four year plus career as a celebrant?
I’ve probably been lucky, but I can only think of two real misadventures.
One came when the Best Man had to attend a job interview, and then got caught in serious traffic on the M25. Explanations were offered, and most people were not averse to having a drink or two earlier than they had bargained for! No real hardship there, even though we started 1.5 hours late!
I don’t really count this, but the bride came late to a wedding in Brixton. Nothing new, surely? However, apparently she was punctual to a fault. Her driver had got lost, and, and could not be contacted (broadband problems). The groom was beginning to sweat, as he believed he was being dumped at the altar, but madam burst in about half an hour late.
Otherwise, at one of my first weddings, the groom turned up very early (as did I). When I asked in a jocular fashion whether he had brought the rings, he turned pale. He had forgotten them in his hotel!
Luckily, the hotel was nearby and, partly because the bride would arrive late, he was able to retrieve the rings on time, and the day was saved!
Prevention
How do you prevent mishaps at a wedding?
Well, of course, like anything else, oversights or plain bad luck can be rife. No one can guarantee a smooth, flawless ceremony, even if the best wedding planner in the world is working for you.
However, you can minimise risk. Preparation is key.
Whether you use a wedding planner or are organising things yourself, start well in advance. It’s also worth confirming all the suppliers (venue, civil celebrant, caterers, florist, photographer, etc.) and even those in the bridal party. Do this a week to ten days before the big day, so there’s time to iron problems out.
If you’ve chosen your suppliers carefully (and I have often blogged about this), you should be safe, even though human error or acts of God cannot be ruled out entirely.
However, these mishaps tend to be the exception, rather than the rule, so don’t worry about them! If you have a professional looking after the arrangements (such a wedding planner or civil celebrant), then things can usually be smoothed out quickly and with a smile.
But, even if things go wrong, most people will be on your side, and not gunning to criticise you!
Relax and enjoy!
by Michael | Jun 6, 2017 | Blog
You may have seen photos on my website of one particular wedding where I officiated. They bring back lovely memories for me (and, hopefully, for the couple concerned!). I thought I’d share the story of their wedding with you.
Lucy and Dave had already married on Skiathos in front of a few close friends and relatives. They wanted to share their happiness with their wider circle. So a wedding blessing was fixed for a Friday in August – an outside ceremony near a converted barn in the Enfield/Cheshunt area just north of London.
It had been quite a hot day, and the 5 p.m. start avoided the worst of the heat. Unfortunately, although almost everybody was ready then, that wasn’t the time the ceremony actually started. News filtered through that the best man was stuck in traffic on the M25 motorway. And before anybody asks why he hadn’t left home sooner, the fact was that he had actually been at a job interview (successful!), and had been unable to get away sooner!
So a few drinks were consumed and we all settled down to wait. While Lucy stayed secreted with her entourage, Dave was clearly a bit nervous, and this delay didn’t help him.
Another consequence of the delay was that the weather started to turn very noticeably.
However, an hour or so later than scheduled, with the best man refreshed and ready, Dave and I were positioned under a lovely floral arch. Lucy made her entrance up the red carpet leading to us. What a picture! She was radiant, resplendent, confident that all eyes were fixed admiringly upon her and her approach was stately.
The service of blessing began. After my welcome, and mention of absent friends, I talked briefly about Lucy and Dave’s story that nearly never happened (as Dave had chickened out of popping the question when the time seemed right). Anyway, the next time the opportunity arose, in Warwick Castle, he pretended to offer Lucy a chocolate bar; when she unwrapped it, she found a ring.
The ceremony continued, but about this time, a wasp decided to get involved, and it buzzed around the three of us very persistently. This didn’t help Dave’s nerves, or, if I’m honest, mine. Lucy was seemingly imperturbable, though.
This being Britain, “the show had to go on”, and as we proceeded to readings about love and then words of wisdom about marriage. This seemed to interest the wasp rather less. Unfortunately, there was a practical reason for this, which was that the heavens decided that this would be a good time to open!
As the celebrant, I felt that, although we still had a few minutes left ahead of us, we could hardly stop the ceremony. So we moved on to the significance of the rings. As we three were getting decidedly damp (most of the guests had fled for some nearby shelter), an enterprising bright spark picked up a table parasol, opened it and brought it up to the front so that Lucy (though not we men-folk) could be protected. This caused a good deal of merriment, and helped Dave to relax.
As the shower passed, I recited the lovely Apache (Navajo) wedding blessing, with its rather ironic (in the event) beginning:
“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be a companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to enter the days of your togetherness. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years. May happiness be your companion, and may your days together be good and long upon the earth.”
Lucy and Dave had been adamant when we were planning the ceremony that there should be some light-hearted elements. So before we ended, there was the pagan “Jumping the Broom” ceremony. I explained that Lucy and Dave would together jump over the broom to symbolise a new beginning, a welcoming of the new – sweeping away old cares and worries. “This represents entering into a new life of husband and wife. The wood represents the strength of the commitment in the marriage. The leap symbolises joyfully taking the leap into married life together.“
I then held the broom some two feet above the ground and invited Lucy to hurdle it in her dress. To the onlookers’ delight, she looked aghast, as was the intention. Of course, I then lowered it to a few inches above the ground!
It was a lovely, warm occasion for a delightful couple; everybody had a smile on their face, and there’s an even happier end to the story: twins for the pair a year or so later!
Wonderful memories, indeed!
by Michael | May 30, 2017 | Blog
Congratulations, if you’ve just got married! But remember that, once the excitement dies down – and the honeymoon becomes a memory – you need to focus on your marriage. How are you going to make it work?
Words
One way is to watch what you say to each other. Sticks and stones, and all that – but words really can hurt. They can be misunderstood. They can damage relationships.
Here are a few powerful words that should be used with great caution:
- Never This is so final. It can give a message that your spouse is not good enough and will never be so. The situation will not improve. Use of this word does not imply listening, compromising or sympathy.
- Always The opposite of “never”, it has similar connotations. It suggests that your spouse is wrong (and therefore that you are right) – end of story. Again, it does not suggest two-way communication or empathy.
- I Obviously, everybody needs to use this word, but, almost by definition, you are taking a selfish standpoint, and care needs to be taken as a consequence.
- You Again, a word you are likely to need in order to produce a sentence. The focus is on the other person, but the effect depends on how you use it. Beware of making it accusatory or aggressive (finger-pointing).
- But (or however, or although) Remember that these negate whatever has preceded them. Positive becomes negative. It does not build trust, intimacy or credibility.
- Swearing This often means that you have lost control – possibly, because of frustration or the realisation that you are in the wrong. Name-calling will only cause upset, especially on a regular basis. Starting from lack of respect, the path to a relationship breakdown is relatively short.
- Divorce This should not be spoken as a threat or a weapon. Nor should you accuse your spouse of destroying the marriage. This won’t resolve any conflict – indeed, it is more likely to exacerbate it.
Resolution
What is far more important and effective is to be prepared to communicate with your spouse. Invite openness. Listen to problems, and try to resolve them, possibly by use of compromise. Ask questions and try and understand. Often a problem is caused by simple misunderstanding, and can be solved easily.
Speaking (and behaving) with respect and patience is not always that easy, especially when under pressure, but ranting and raving will solve nothing. If necessary, explain calmly why you may feel irritated by a particular act or behaviour.
Counselling, or even divorce, should be last resorts. It may not always be easy, but the responsibility for making marriage work is down to both of you. So communicate before things get bad, and respect each other.
