Writing Your Vows

by Michael | Oct 6, 2015 | Blog

I am occasionally asked to write clients’ vows for them. Of course, I oblige, but I much prefer to guide them, and let them do it themselves. Each relationship is unique, and the vows should be too (although, of course, it’s fine for ideas to be borrowed).

The reason is simple. The vows are (or should be) so personal – they are publicly-made promises that really matter (or should!). They are wishes for your and your intended’s future. They are your thoughts and feelings.

(Incidentally, it’s a good exercise to do even if you’re not getting married – simply stopping to acknowledge what your loved one brings to your relationship.)

Purpose

At one level, this public declaration is a wonderful way to start your marriage off. The composing can be a moving and rewarding time for the couple, and the public recitation can be really inspiring (often also to the guests).

You won’t get the chance to do anything as personal as this at a conventional wedding (religious or register office), so this will be a stand-out moment for you and your guests.

As a celebrant, I sometimes offer a wine box ceremony. Along with a favourite bottle of wine (for example), you could put a copy of both your vows into a chest and lock it until an agreed time (one year, five years – or if your marriage (perish the thought!) is on the rocks).

At any rate, make sure you keep a copy afterwards.

Composition

The vow section can be romantic It doesn’t have to be, though, if that’s not ‘your thing’, although you must still manage to say something nice about your loved one and your future life together. You can borrow lyrics from poems and even contemporary songs to get your message across.

It doesn’t have to be beautifully-crafted – or too lengthy (in fact, one minute will probably be ample).

All this doesn’t mean the vows can’t be funny – indeed, if they reflect your personality and ideals, that’s all to the good – but they should be well-prepared and practised. Even if there are moments of humour, the words – and how you say them – are what really count.

Humour

Don’t mistake rudeness or lack of respect for humour. Remember that you are making a public declaration, and the last thing you want to invite is misunderstanding or offence.

The humour has got to be natural and truly funny (and, as I have said, only be a part of a sincere, serious whole).

A good idea is to try the vows out in front of a well-meaning but potentially critical friend, who can listen to the vows and suggest what may and what may not work .

Practice

You want to use words which are natural to you. It’s bad enough that you may be nervous when delivering your vows (although you may enjoy the experience far more than you expect!); what you don’t want is to sound artificial and forced.

Delivery

It would be lovely, if you delivered your vows while looking into your loved one’s eyes. In the real world, memory is an issue and it is more likely that you either repeat what the celebrant reads out or, better, read off a 3 x 5 card. Remember, you can read a bit and make eye contact too, and, if you have rehearsed it, you’ll remember a lot of your ‘script’.

Conclusion

By all means, ask your civil celebrant to help you, but do what you can to make this intimate moment really yours, and work hard – as it merits – so that you can carry it off with sincerity and even a little panache, so that it becomes a highlight of your ceremony – and perhaps a guiding-light for the rest of your life together.

Writing your marriage vows

by Michael | Jul 7, 2014 | Blog

Organising a wedding together with a celebrant means your ‘script’ can be exactly what you want. Marriage vows are normally an integral part of the ceremony. But what do you say?

You don’t have to be original (you can use somebody else’s vows or enlist the help of your civil celebrant), but heartfelt vows make such a difference to the sincerity and beauty of the occasion.

So if you can write your own marriage vows, they may well turn out to be personal, moving and special for everyone.

But DON’T stuff up!

First things first

1. Make sure you and your partner BOTH want to do this.
2. Allow loads of time to write – and rewrite – the vows.
3. Decide on a few general things to say (worry about the detail later) – just have clear in your head what it is important.
4. Will your vows be serious, humorous, deep, spiritual, religious, or a combination?

5. Once you’ve got a few sentences down (and sixty seconds per person is quite long enough!), see about reworking them so they look and sound good to you.

What content should you put in?

• You should probably express deep emotional love for your partner
• Was your first meeting ‘love at first sight’? If so, talk about it.
• When did you first realise you were in love?
• How has your life changed since you met your partner/fell in love?
• Talk about your plans and aspirations for your future life together – or growing old together
• Promise to stay together in the future, come what may

If you prefer, quote from an appropriate song, film or poem. Metaphor or simile may get your message across very well, but less embarrassingly!

Improving the draft

1. Leave your draft a day or two, then review it. A brutal friend may help!
2. Practise reading the vows (alone!) in front of a mirror – or with your partner.

You don’t need to learn your vows off by heart, either – you can read them off a card, or even repeat them after the celebrant, if you prefer.

To come up with a meaningful, original and affecting set of vows is not as difficult as you may think. The results will certainly be more than worth the effort!

Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.