It’s not every day that your lounge turns into a Pinewood Studios set! But last week this particular celebrant’s lounge underwent the Hollywood treatment.
Well, OK, I’m exaggerating a bit, but as you can see from my pictures, I had a couple of business videos shot at home.
When I asked Em Cummings (“Mr BBC”) to film these for me, we agreed that each video would last between one and two minutes. Four minutes’ work: how long could that take, for goodness sake?
Rather longer than I expected, as it turned out!
Em arrived, as arranged, at about 9.30. The kitchen sink was then unloaded from his batmobile, which, along with a cuppa, took a good half an hour. Another hour passed, as Em set up the lights, filters, green screen, camera and, for all I know, a microwave and threshing machine!
Having prepared for it all to be filmed in glorious sunshine, Em then had to set up an extra curtain, as the sun decided to spend the rest of the day coming in and out..
We finally got down to filming (first attempts) around midday. Naturally, a professional like myself would only need one or two takes. Astonishingly, it took rather more than that (but then, Em must be a perfectionist – it can’t have been any failings on my part!). Anyway, we had one take ‘in the can’ by lunchtime.
Apart from a quarter of an hour’s break, we were back at work in the afternoon. A few hundred takes later (about six, actually), the other video was ‘in the can’ (sorry, the jargon’s getting to me!).
Well, surely another few minutes and it’ll all be ready.
No. I didn’t count on the editing! Or on downloading the music and stills which we had chosen beforehand (mercifully!).
At about 5.30 I unceremoniously threw Em out into the night. The job wasn’t finished, but he could do the rest at his ‘leisure’.
Was it worth all the upheaval? Please have a look at these YouTube links and let me know what you think
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made life-cycle ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.
Regular readers of my blogs will know that I write and conduct personalised life-cycle ceremonies. Not just weddings, civil partnerships, vow renewals, ring blessings, baby-namings and the like, but also funerals.
Cheerful as my blogs tend to be, this one will consider an aspect of death: what do you want to happen to your body at the end?
Of course, this is something I discuss with people (and their families) in their lifetime; I then write the service and eulogy that they actually want.
It’s no more ghoulish than writing a will, and it’s certainly as practical. You’re simply ensuring that your wishes are carried out when you’re no longer around to control things.
Choices
Most people think that a funeral is prescribed. But the only things that actually need to be done when there is a death are legal registration and disposal of the body. Although there are certain stipulations, there is a surprising choice of methods open to you.
The Conventional
Conventionally, you have a religious service delivered by your church, synagogue, temple etc. This will often entail burial, but increasingly nowadays, cremation, and the minister will usually conduct a prescribed service that allows little individuality.
Alternatives
Independent Celebrants
More and more, for those who do not want a full religious service (whether out of respect for the deceased or as the family’s choice) , there is the possibility of a unique, tailor-made service conducted by an independent celebrant. Funeral Directors frequently can recommend such an officiant. The celebrant should visit the next-of-kin and discuss the family’s wishes and learn about the deceased, so as to be able to write an appropriate celebratory service, approved beforehand by the family, and conduct it on the day.
These services are often held in crematoria, but they can take place in cemeteries or natural burial grounds, or even in homes as memorial services.
DIY
There is no space to go into this here, but, as long as pollution and health and safety laws are followed, you can bury someone in your back garden and conduct the ceremony yourself. I don’t recommend it, but, as I have said, there is some freedom as to how – or whether – you conduct a funeral.
Modern alternatives
Wear your beloved!
When your loved one has died, it is possible for their cremated remains (which contain a lot of carbon) to be transformed into precious stones, including diamonds. So your loved one, in the form of a ring or necklace, can still be with you wherever you go!
Give your beloved a real send-off!
Your loved one’s ashes can be sent off into the earth’s orbit or, for quite a price, launched into outer space. I’m not sure about the ‘carbon footprint’ here, but it IS an option …
Become an atoll!
Ashes can be cast into a 100% natural cast reef mould, lowered into the ocean to eventually become a coral reef. Environmentally-friendly and a creative (if expensive?) idea.
All at sea
You can be buried at sea, as in a garden – see above – but there are regulations you need to conform to.
Resomation
Another more environmentally-friendly suggestion is resomation, which is a water-based process which reduces the body to soft bone, easily crumbled. The bone powder can be treated in the same way as cremated remains.
Cryomation
This process uses liquid nitrogen to freeze the body, which is then fragmented, freeze-dried and rendered rapidly compostable in a shallow burial. This must be the greenest process of all.
Cryogenic freezing
Finally, human remains can be frozen, using liquid nitrogen, without damaging human tissue. In theory, the body will be preserved until, with advances in medical knowledge, it will be able to be treated and eventually reanimated.
Take your pick!!
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made life-cycle ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.
Being a celebrant usually means I am involved with happy events such as weddings. However, as part of my training to be a funeral celebrant (newly completed!), I went ‘behind the scenes’ at both a Funeral Directors’ and at a crematorium.
Of course, for workers at the crematorium, this was just another day at the ‘office’!
Milton Keynes Crematorium
What did I experience in this wonderful facility? (I’m sorry – I ought to have shown you the beautiful chapel, Japanese garden, water feature etc. Instead I’ve chosen more enlightening, but less pleasant, aspects!)
Disposal
After the funeral service itself , the coffin is loaded into the cremator. The temperature is around 900 degrees, and the coffin remains in there for an hour or two (depending on the size of the body). Record-keeping is painstaking, to ensure nobody receives the wrong ashes at the end of proceedings!
Technology
There is a massive filtration process, used to dispose of contaminants (eg mercury from fillings) from the body.
The monitoring station is very modern and efficient.
Waste metal recovered from the ovens is sent for recycling and the proceeds go to charity.
Two cremators operate side by side (with two more sets of remains cooling below).
Finally, the ashes are carefully collected and put in urns for the family or Funeral Directors to collect.
Conclusion
The visit was fascinating (not at all macabre!) and also reassuring – as the whole thing is handled efficiently and respectfully.
For what it’s worth, I would be happy to be cremated (provided I’m dead first!). And, by the way, stringent measures are taken to ensure you are dead first!
I am very grateful for the opportunity to visit a crematorium – under these circumstances!
I never had any ambition to become a celebrant. (In fact, a year ago I didn’t even know what one was!)
I only heard about it by chance.
If I’m absolutely honest, it all came about because I was interested in 400 prostitutes!
Now don’t get me wrong, please. I am an active man, but not in the way you may be thinking!
I innocently went to hear a talk by somebody who had considerable experience with prostitutes. He had made a fortune many years back by selling answering machines to a niche market nobody had tapped before: prostitutes!
After the presentation, I had a chat with him, and it turned out that he was a celebrant.
He told me that he helped people who wanted a ceremony that was bespoke – not formulaic. He worked with them to construct a ceremony that would mean the most to them (and, hopefully, their guests). It could be religious, semi-religious, non-religious – anything. It could be held anywhere – perhaps a licensed religious building, a hotel, a beach or a mountain top.
The ceremony ranged from wedding, civil partnership, vows renewal, baby-naming or handfasting.
[I’d never heard of handfasting, by the way, but I intend to write a blog about it , so watch this space!]
Anyway, as I listened to David, I got drawn in. This was something different, this was exciting, this was something I could do well (I have considerable experience as a public presenter) and something that would enable me to make a difference to others.
When could I start?!
Well, I trained late in 2012, and was sufficiently enthused that I then decided to train to become a funeral celebrant. I shall be unleashed on the world next month!
Who’d have thought that 400 prostitutes would have made such a difference in my life!
