by Michael | Apr 5, 2016 | Blog
People tend to marry later than they used to. There are many reasons for this, but, come what may, the bride and groom are likely to be more mature nowadays.
Reasons for marrying later
Quite often, late marriage is for financial or career reasons. Maybe the couple want to put off having a family. Or, of course, either or both may be divorcees or widows/widowers, returning for another stab. Other people believe they shouldn’t marry until they are ‘sure’ that the relationship has a good chance of lasting or they simply lack confidence.
Gay couples in a civil partnership are increasingly looking to convert their legal status to marriage, and many established pairs are therefore taking advantage.
Things to remember
There will obviously be no basic difference between a wedding for youngsters and one for oldsters.
For a full religious ceremony (provided it’s permitted), you have the usual options of church/synagogue, etc., and for a secular ceremony there is the register office (which guarantees the compulsory legal words).
For a less standard – personalised – ceremony (that would be additional to the registrars’ service), you have the option of a civil ceremony.
Civil Ceremony suggestions
The beauty of civil ceremonies is that you can incorporate elements of your choice that reflect your personalities and beliefs, so each service will be unique.
That means that there are no ‘hard and fast’ rules; merely, suggestions. However, as with all my clients, I would expect to have a preliminary discovery conversation. Assuming we feel happy to work together, I send over drafts for approval.
The service
The areas I am likely to cover include music, rituals and readings.
- There is no reason why older couples can’t enjoy the same sort of music as youngsters (if that’s their choice). They may choose the same rituals (a Unity Candle is always lovely – but older pairs may have families they want to involve, so this ritual can be expanded to include offspring etc.). Either age group may decide to include the offering of a gift, such as a red rose, to their parents during the ceremony.
A good celebrant ought be able to supply suitable suggestions.
Of course, some rituals (such as ‘jumping the broom’) may be less advisable for more mature couples!
- There’s no reason why age should prevent couples from writing and/or reciting their vows or having the rings blessed.
- Readings can (should!) fit in with the couple’s desires, and many are not age-specific in any way. However, some are suitable for more mature couples.
One thing is for sure: a wedding for the more mature may be every bit as beautiful and meaningful as one for a young couple – sometimes, even more so!
If you are looking for guidance and help, then please feel free to arrange a complimentary chat with me.
by Michael | Mar 22, 2016 | Blog
Like it or not, social media is here to stay. It will surely be a part of your wedding, so a few tips about prudent use might prove invaluable.
Let’s consider three areas: wedding websites, invitations and handling social media.
Wedding Websites
It is increasingly common for couples to use wedding websites, Facebook pages and/or designated hashtags. The website should give directions to the venue (especially for more remote locations) and information about attire. Will it be outdoors? What sort of terrain should guests expect? If dress is important to you, don’t assume that everybody is going to know your expectations.
If you want to share details about your ‘story’, that is fine, but don’t go over the top. Make them tasteful and sincere.
Invitations
Obviously, you are going to include essentials such as date, time and place.
You may also have particular feelings about whether or not your wedding will be child-friendly or not. It may be better to approach this via the website, as you will have space to explain/justify your requests.
You don’t want to cause unintentional offence by excluding someone’s child while including somebody else’s. However, if that latter child has been invited as a bridesmaid, that’s not so bad. Or if you feel obliged to limit children to, say, ten for budgetary reasons, you could explain this. (Fore-warned is fore-armed!) Of course, you may at least still be able to invite the whole family to the wedding ceremony only.
Do read my article on children at weddings for more discussion on this subject.
If accommodation for guests is going to be an issue, your website can offer options and information.
A website is good for telling people about gifts, including whether there is a wedding list etc., not least because it can be updated. (However, information can go on a standard invitation too.)
Handling social media
Make sure you leave no doubt about social media rules. In my role as civil celebrant, I am increasingly seeing signs in the venue as people come in, informing them of the couple’s wishes – eg “Unplugged Ceremony”.
Let people know if they should not post photos of the big day until you have done so. This may apply especially to pictures of the bride before she’s walked down the aisle, so specify your wishes.
A hashtag is one way to track wedding photos from guests, so make sure you give out the information as to which hashtag your wedding will be using.
If you’re inviting a lot of VIPs, it may be better to request social media silence from your guests.
As a guest, if you’re not happy about something that happened (or didn’t) at the wedding, don’t put that on social media. The couple probably put a lot of effort in to planning the event, and, with the best will in the world, things can get overlooked or go wrong. (At my wedding, I genuinely forgot to invite an aunt to the family supper afterwards, and that understandably didn’t go down well, although relations were restored after a while!)
Social media and the internet should add to the experience, not cause stress or detract from the couple. Be careful and respectful.
by Michael | Mar 15, 2016 | Blog
So what do I know about Best Man speeches? I have given just one in my life, though it proved to be an absolute hoot. It was about twenty years ago now.
As a professional civil celebrant, I often have to help couples write their vows. Wedding speeches, though not actually part of my remit, are a natural extension of this. After all, this falls under the banner of public speaking, which is necessarily one of my areas of expertise.
So I make no apology for confronting this subject. It’s an important one, as so many people are genuinely intimidated by the thought of public speaking. There’s a lot of help on offer about public speaking (you may like to see my blog on this subject), but if you know you have a good speech to give, delivery becomes that bit easier.
How you actually deliver your speech is important, and, again, my blog has sound advice, which needs to be noted, especially for the amateur public speaker. One word of caution from the article that really bears repeating is not to let yourself get sozzled, however nervous you might be!
As for the content, here are some suggestions:
- It’s always good to get people laughing (for the right reasons!), so if you can find a good tag or joke (and tell it well), you’ll be off to a great start.
- Make sure your humorous remarks are in good taste – religion, politics, families, insults are all dangerous areas. Your main subject should be the groom. You’ll want to tell a few stories about him (you can get information from others, but, essentially, this should be about you and your best friend). Try not to waffle or talk too much about people the bride’s family will know nothing about.
- It’s worth mentioning how you first met the groom and why he chose you for the honour. Without being too cruel (it is the groom’s big day, after all), take the mickey out of him! Humour (with empathy) is key.
- Although much of your speech should be humorous, make sure it is personal and real. There should be a serious element too. You are his best mate, so a few sincere compliments are absolutely appropriate. You should acknowledge how honoured you are.
- Mentioning how happy the groom is now and how happy for him you are is important, and even moving. You can address these words directly to the groom for greater effect. You might even be overcome with emotion for a moment, and that is nothing to be ashamed of!
- You will want to finish off presently, preferably with a laugh or two. A suggestion could be fake telegrams. If there are real ones, start with these, but then move on to a couple from, say, the groom’s hamster or from Prince Charles or a TV star.
- This whole speech should normally last between 5 and 10 minutes. You conclude (traditionally) with a toast. This can be funny, if you can manage it.
I accept that writing a speech will take some effort and sweat of the brow, but it is manageable, especially if you can make use of this advice. The rewards are enormous for all concerned, so the labour will be more than worthwhile.
by Michael | Feb 25, 2016 | Blog
It’s Leap Year Day! I wonder how many of you ladies are planning leap year proposals?
It is thought that this tradition harks back to the days when the leap year day was not recognised under English law. As it had no legal status, it was considered acceptable to break with the convention that it should be the man doing the proposing.
This custom is quite wide-spread and encompasses Scandinavia as well as Great Britain. However, in Greece they have a variation on the theme – they believe that a leap year marriage is likely to end in divorce.
In Denmark the day in question for a woman to propose to the man is the 24th, not the 29th, February (supposedly, this goes back to the time of the Ancient Romans, but that’s all I have found out!). If the man rejects the proposal, he is meant to give the jilted lady twelve pairs of gloves! Why twelve, I wonder?! (Another mystery!)
In Finland they also have a forfeit: the man is bound to supply enough fabric for his rejected lady to make a skirt.
In Ireland, a man refusing the lady on leap year day has to give her a silk gown. Apparently, the custom originated in the fifth century. A nun, St Brigid of Kildare, heard complaints that men were too shy to propose. She asked St Patrick to give permission for females to do the proposing. Initially, he allowed it once every seven years, but later relented, and allowed proposals every leap year day.
In Scotland, the unmarried Queen Margaret supposedly passed a law in 1288 to allow women to propose on leap year day. They did have to wear a red petticoat by way of alerting the men, though!
But why is February such a short month (even if it’s a bit longer this year)?
Roman months originally had 29, 30 or 31 days, but when Augustus became emperor, he felt aggrieved that his month only had 29 days, whereas July (Julius Caesar’s month) had 31 days. He stole two days from February to bring August up to 31. You can do things like that, if you’re Emperor!
Finally, a prayer has been composed by the Archdeacon of Norwich, the Venerable Jan McFarlane, for people planning a leap year marriage proposal:
“God of love, please bless N and N as they prepare for the commitment of marriage. May the plans for the wedding not overtake the more important preparation for their lifetime together. Please bless their family and friends as they prepare for this special day and may your blessing be upon them now and always. Amen.”
If you do propose to your beloved, ladies, please let me know how you get on. Remember that, as a civil celebrant, I may be the next person you will want to contact when you plan your wedding!
by Michael | Feb 16, 2016 | Blog
Everybody’s ideas for their wedding are likely to be different, but from a civil celebrant perspective, here are 5 hints for planning your wedding which you will probably need to consider, whatever your circumstances.
- The budget
You’ll be very fortunate, if this isn’t one of your prime concerns. You’ll need to work together with anyone who is helping you here (probably your family?), and decide rationally what you will spend. It’s no good getting carried away with enthusiasm – you need self-discipline.
Big as the occasion may be, you do not want to bankrupt yourselves. And remember that the amount spent does not guarantee the success of the marriage!
The real event is (or should be) the ceremony. Do you really want the reception to mean more than the vows?
Good taste and sincerity are surely what matter.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few OTT touches (budget permitting), but that should be a bonus rather than what you are aiming at. There are probably certain elements that you will insist on, and it’s as well to discuss these at the outset, so that they aren’t overlooked later.
The budget will also dictate the ceremony, participants, reception and number of guests to invite, but that is something I cover elsewhere, notably in my book “Your Wedding Guide”.
- Date & location
Naturally, it will be more expensive to schedule your wedding at peak times (such as summer holidays, Christmas or around Valentine’s Day). You may want to avoid major events, such as World Cups and holiday season, when your potential guests may be otherwise engaged.
You’ll need to consider climate too, if you want an outdoor wedding.
The venue should, of course, be where you want it to be, but if it’s in an exotic location, your guests may have to go to a lot of expense and trouble to attend, so keep that in mind.
- Other Suppliers
As soon as you have settled on your budget, start discussing other suppliers that you may need. Like the venue, which may need a year or more advance warning, you should allow plenty of time, in order to secure the supplier of your choice.
Among others, you will need to consider florists, caterers, musicians and, not least, celebrant. Where possible, you should meet with these first, so you can feel confident you have made the right choices. All that takes time, so allow for that.
- Choosing theme and colours
It’s easy to get excited and let your imagination run away with your wallet. Keep your budget in mind, use wedding books and planning guides and whatever resources are available to you.
Do not over-decorate. Make full use of flowers and candles.
Be creative with the colours. These may reflect the bride’s personality. Vivid colours (tastefully combined) can be most effective.
- Vows and music
The vows are one of the most important elements of a marriage. They should be well-planned – and audible. They are a public declaration of your mutual feelings, and should not be under-estimated.
Equally, the music should be planned carefully and be clearly audible. Make sure you choose lyrics that you want your guests to hear.
Hopefully, the planning will be a team effort (maybe even the groom will be involved!). If approached in the right way, it can be challenging, yes, but also exciting, and the end result so worthwhile. Enjoy!
