by Michael | Apr 16, 2018 | Blog
One of the beautiful things about organising a wedding together with a celebrant is that your ‘script’ can be exactly what you want. And, although there are some lovely vows you can borrow or adapt, writing your own wedding vows can prove to be personal, moving and affecting.
Guidelines
No one wants to risk producing ‘naff’ vows, so here are some tips to help you.
- Make sure you and your partner BOTH want to do this, and agree whether you will do this separately or together.
- Make sure that the person conducting the ceremony knows in advance. And it’s OK for them to look at what you have written before the ceremony.
- Allow loads of time to do this – you’re bound to need to do plenty of rewriting.
- Start by deciding a few general things you want to say (you can worry about the detail later) – just have clear in your head what it is important.
- What sort of register or tone do you want to use? By that I mean: will it be serious, humorous, deep, spiritual, religious, or some sort of combination?
- Decide on your content (more to follow).
- Once you’ve got a few sentences down (and remember, sixty seconds each is quite long enough!), see about reworking them so they look and sound good to you.
- Leave your draft a day or two, and come back and, if necessary, rework it. Get a friend to review it brutally!
- Once you’re satisfied, practise reading the vows (alone!) in front of a mirror – or practise with your partner.
- At the end of the ceremony, give the vows to somebody to keep for you (or make and file a copy beforehand).
What is the point of Vows?
Marriage vows:
- unite the couple legally
- are a public declaration of the couple’s love for each other (before God, if the ceremony is religious)
- are a public declaration of the couple’s commitment to each other
Do vows have to be religious?
In secular marriages, wedding vows can take any format – there is nothing to stop the couple from writing their own. Indeed, most celebrants would encourage that. The vows can be inspired by poetry, music or even films. They usually state each other’s expectations of marriage as well as declaring mutual commitment.
Religious marriage vows
Each religion has its own prescribed vows. (Any alterations would have to be discussed first with the officiant.)
Christian wedding vows may well include the familiar: “Do you, …., take … to be your wife/husband? Do you promise to love, honour, cherish and protect her/him, forsaking all others and holding only unto her/him?”
In Muslim weddings, it is usually the cleric who declares what the couple accept to do, but an example of a vow read out by the couple is as follows:
Bride: I, …, offer you myself in marriage and in accordance with the instructions of the Holy Koran and the Holy Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him. I pledge, in honesty and with sincerity, to be for you an obedient and faithful wife.
Groom: I pledge in honesty and sincerity, to be for you a faithful and helpful husband.
Hindu marriage ceremonies have seven steps of marriage which represent seven vows/promises that the couple make to each other in a wedding ceremony full of ritual.
Writing Your Own Wedding Vows
I often give practical help to my clients who choose the personalised approach. Apart from recommending brevity, I would suggest that you aim for (up to) five things you promise to do and (up to) five that you declare you will not do.
Sincerity and openness are ideal, but there can also be room for some humour. Some humour, please note!
Again, this is something I can help you with, if you wish. Just ask!
Photo: leerushby.com
by Michael | Jun 13, 2017 | Blog
“I don’t mean to be rude, but do we actually need civil ceremonies?” The question emerged over networking when a lady I had just met found out what I did for a job.
No offence was intended, or taken. And, to some extent, she had a point.
A religious society
After all, over 50% of the UK population consider themselves Christian (according to recent research). So why would they need civil ceremonies at all? A little over 25% professed no religion. So they’ve got the option of a secular ceremony at the register office. OK, that leaves some people out, but it does cover most people.
But hold on a moment!
Religious objections
Not everyone who claims to be “religious” wants a full, standard religious ceremony, do they?
And what do you do, if you do want a religious ceremony, but are marrying someone of a different faith? Church isn’t an option, if you are Catholic and divorced. What if your church won’t accept you because you’re gay? And what if a religious service doesn’t really rock your boat, but do want a blessing or a prayer (mainly to keep parents happy, say)?
The secular option
In all those cases, when the Church won’t provide what you want, you have to turn to the Register Office. There they will read out the standard, necessary words to make your marriage legal. But, unfortunately, the ceremony must be totally secular (and impersonal). It can be a bit of a conveyor-belt operation.
In surroundings that may not be much to write home about!
So, I hear you ask, is there another option?
A real choice
Indeed. As I explained to the lady, that is where a civil celebrant comes into his or her own.
The assets of a civil celebrant are that they build a ceremony from scratch. A good celebrant takes the time to work with the clients to offer ideas and also guidance about what is possible and might work. He will ask questions (and supply answers too), so that he can build up a full picture of what the couple wants. He will then write or compile a ceremony that reflects their personalities and beliefs, and is everything they want it to be.
Photo courtesy of Philippa Gedge
Not only will the ceremony be personalised and unique but it will tick the other box: it can be as religious as the couple want it to be.
It should be pointed out that civil celebrants are not (yet) licensed to conduct legal marriages, so the registrar ceremony is still compulsory. However, once the legal formalities are over, you can enjoy a fabulous meaningful ceremony that will be memorable for all the right reasons!
I believe, after our conversation, that that lady understood my role a bit better – and didn’t regret her question too much!
Of course, if any reader wants to follow up with me, I’d be delighted to explain more. Please feel free!
by Michael | Apr 18, 2017 | Blog
The time may come when you want to commemorate a big event in your life (or in that of someone close to you). You will probably be marking a milestone birthday or anniversary, wedding, naming, or even a funeral. It’s going to be very important to you that the event is conducted appropriately. In fact, it’s got to be perfect.
And why wouldn’t it be?
Obstacles
Here’s why. Any one of these reasons (plus others) may get in the way:
- Somebody insists that everything is done their way only
- Money concerns
- Differences of opinions about the amount of religious elements to be included
- The relevant people can’t agree on the size of the gathering
- Or the venue
- Or what rituals, if any, are to be included
- Or who participates in the ceremony
- The date
And so it goes on!
Solutions
In most cases, give and take may be necessary.
If you feel somebody is trying to hi-jack the arrangements, try and have a talk with them. Explain that others are involved too and would like to participate as well. You’re grateful for what they are doing, but it would be appreciated if the load were shared around a bit. Not everyone will listen to reason, I know, but many people will (if approached the right way).
If money is the issue, there are ways round it. These can range from a reduced guest list or choosing a different venue to arranging your function out of season and, even, in the morning or early afternoon. You may also be able to use your bargaining powers to knock suppliers’ prices down a bit.
If religion is causing problems, you might be able to suggest a secular ceremony with various religious elements included. This could keep everybody reasonably happy.
As for the rituals (if any) and involvement of family and/or friends, you will need someone to co-ordinate the ceremony. This is where a civil celebrant can come in.
Help is at Hand
Your civil celebrant will work together with you by offering ideas and guidance. He can suggest options and, if you explain where you need help, will be delighted to point a way forward.
Although he may not be ordained, he will be able to offer the religious elements, if that’s what you want. He will be happy to include whoever you want to be involved, and offer you some wonderful and apt readings.
Every word of the ceremony that you eventually put together will be agreed by you. There’ll be no unpleasant surprises on the day!
It may take a little ability to compromise, but that end goal of a perfect ceremony will still be accessible. It will be so worth the effort!
by Michael | Mar 7, 2017 | Blog
How do you keep everyone happy?!
I remember, from my days as a teacher, that, as soon as you had more than one child in the classroom, you had to accept the fact: you now had a mixed-ability class.
When faced with 30 pupils, say, do you aim at satisfying the needs of the cleverest ones, the weakest, or those in the middle? How can you please all of them even part of the time?
Such a dilemma is not unique to the classroom.
Let’s consider a wedding.
Religion
As soon as religion enters the mix, you are faced with questions. If it’s a wedding, should you opt for a full, religious service? Will that really be what the couple and their family want?
What about a secular or humanist service? No religion at all? You can bet that somebody is not going to like that.
You could go for a partly-religious ceremony. However, that runs the risk of not satisfying anybody at all (although it may depend how the service is constructed and presented).
Source: Philippa Gedge photography
Compromise
As with a lot of the wedding planning, give-and-take is necessary. You’ll probably be struggling over the invitations already, so you may well be getting proficient at compromising.
Parameters
Given that you are highly unlikely to be able to keep everybody sweet, should you aim for the majority; should you placate parents; should you go your own way?
The first option risks being a bit wishy-washy. A mixed-faith service has got to be compiled and presented very professionally for it to work.
As for parents, even if they are financing the whole event, they should understand that it is still the fiances’ big day. That should be the bottom line. There’s nothing wrong with the couple including a religious element or two by way of compromise, but the ceremony should not be High Church (or equivalent), if the couple don’t want it.
As a civil celebrant, I have experience of one parent (only the one) who steamrollered the whole wedding – to the extent, that she threatened to boycott the event (and take quite a number of her relatives with her), if her choice was not respected over the couple’s. It takes all sorts …
If you decide to go your own way on your big day, you should be able to do so with a clear conscience. But if it is possible to include something that may placate those of different convictions, then it would be a nice gesture to do so.
The Best of all Worlds
I recently conducted a handfasting for a lovely couple. That was what Karl wanted; Martina had wanted a church wedding. They decided they would compromise (an encouraging start for a lifetime together!).
After the traditional church service, everybody moved to a wonderful barn for the handfasting, which I was to lead. The ceremony was nature-based, and required a few explanations for most guests.
The handfasting
We charged the circle (or space) before asking Air, Fire, Water and Earth to bless the couple. We drew down God and Goddess before blessing the couple with divine qualities. The actual handfasting (knotting together the couple’s wrists) took place before the pair (in the Quaich, or loving cup ceremony) drank to their past, present and future happiness, before we concluded in a more traditional way.
To judge by the comments and atmosphere, the ceremony was really well-received and presumably didn’t offend anybody. Whether or not we managed to keep absolutely everybody happy, I can’t say, but I think we may have come close to achieving the impossible!
That’s the beauty of celebrant-led weddings: the couple have the choice to create their ideal ceremony. I think that’s wonderful.
by Michael | Apr 12, 2016 | Blog
As a civil celebrant, I note that mixed marriage has become increasingly common nowadays. It may be between couples whose beliefs encompass different strands of the same religion (eg Anglican and Roman Catholic) or believers of totally different faiths (I was recently honoured to be asked to perform a ceremony for a Jewess marrying a Muslim).
Source: Philippa Gedge photography
And then there are even less conventional combinations (in the picture below, I conducted a pagan handfasting, incorporating a number of Jewish elements).
Problems
On one occasion, I had been booked to conduct a ceremony for a practising (Reform) Jew and a practising Anglican. I was to be working together with a Reverend to create the appropriate service for the pair. Unfortunately, one set of grandparents were strict Jews and threatened to boycott the ceremony, unless an ordained rabbi (which I am not) led that part of the wedding.
It was certainly a dilemma for the couple.
Decisions
Who was in the right? Should the couple not be allowed to do what they want and believe in? Especially on their big day. Or should they respect and please family?
Of course, there is no doubt what my feelings about the matter are. However, there are two sides to any argument.
On the one hand …
As both of them actively follow their own religion, they do need to seriously consider how they will bring up any eventual children up. Circumcision may be just one of the decisions they will have to agree on. What about religion school, if any?
Once they have dealt with such problems, there are still those grandparents to contend with. The pair won’t choose to offend them, naturally. They should show respect. But whose wishes should actually prevail?
… on the other
Surely this has got to be the couple’s (joint) decision? They are adults and It is their lives, after all. They certainly won’t want to be insincere and uncomfortable on arguably the biggest day of their lives.
If reasoning with objectors doesn’t work, it might be possible to compromise (though difficult to do in this circumstance) or make it up with them in some way. Maybe invite them to participate or assure them that you will spend festivals like Passover together with them, and that you want them to play a full part in the life of any offspring.
It may even be that the ceremony is so sincere and beautiful that the objectors come round of their own accord.
Wouldn’t that be something?
Please contact me for a (non-obligation) chat, if you are contemplating a mixed marriage (or if anyone you know is) .
