Who’d Work with Animals or Children?

It is well-known that working with animals or children can be to court disaster.

As a civil celebrant, I am exposed to such risk almost all the time!

Regular readers of my posts may recall the wedding when a dog took a starring role.

Upstaged by a Canine

One couple wanted their dog, Blue, involved. The plan was that he would be the ring-bearer. However, his appetite was notorious, so it was deemed safer for him to be appointed “page-dog” instead. As he arrived, escorting the bride in, he suddenly broke free, sprinted up to the front and made a huge fuss of his owner, the groom. Lots of mutual love and affection in evidence. Of course, Blue ruined the bride’s entrance and stole the show – but nobody really minded!

Children

I won’t even tell you how many times screaming infants – even at a funeral – have disturbed ceremonies. Somehow we get through it.

Other issues can be less predictable.

At a naming ceremony, a 12-year-old boy stood up to read one of the poems I had suggested. (This had been agreed in advance with the family.) What nobody had thought to tell me was that this boy was highly dyslexic. I could have picked a much simpler poem, had I known, or e-mailed it to him in advance, so he could practise.

Nonetheless, the boy showed remarkable courage and perseverance, but he did totally massacre the reading!

On another occasion – a big wedding – the couple were fairly unhelpful (throughout), but they’d told me the name of the ring-bearer and knew I was to call him up. However, I wasn’t introduced to him and failed to locate him beforehand among the 200 guests.

By chance, I did spot a boy, Alexis, (aged about 6), beautifully dressed up, carrying a velvet cushion. I asked him whether he was the ring-bearer. He didn’t know. He only knew that he didn’t have any rings and didn’t know what the cushion was for.

The ceremony began. Once we reached the rings section, I invited up the person named on my script. Nobody moved. No response, even when I repeated the summons. The couple beside me didn’t react. On the spur of the moment, I called out Alexis’ name, and he duly arrived – complete with cushion and both rings! Success!

Dumb animals

I have seen pictures of releases of doves and of butterflies. I am not fully sure about these, as I don’t know if inadvertent cruelty might be involved in using them. In principle, I think working with animals or birds of prey is probably OK, and can add some real character and charm to an occasion.

However, the risk of something going wrong is quite high!

The only time so far that I have worked with an animal, it was a bird. To be precise, Dusk, a barn owl. Her role was to fly up to the bride (from behind the unwitting guests) as soon as I placed a large leather glove over her wrist. Dusk would carry a small bag containing the rings. Once this had been removed, the falconer would dangle a piece of raw chicken and off would fly Dusk.

We did have a rehearsal on the eve, and it went like clockwork.

We took precautions, though. On the day, in my pocket was an extra bag with rings, just in case, but Dusk seemed to enjoy herself and behaved impeccably!

As the falconer said, these are actually wild birds, so their behaviour cannot be guaranteed, but I would happily work with Dusk again.

Even though she did upstage me!

Venue

I do like the fact that people have the choice to personalise their wedding (or ceremony) in whatever way they wish. It doesn’t have to include animals, birds or children, of course. The type of venue may make the ceremony stand out sufficiently.

Rituals

There are some lovely rituals you can include that will make your wedding really different. A handfasting is just one example. Other possibilities include Unity Candles, a Sand Ceremony, the Loving Cup, and more. Your civil celebrant can explain these or suggest others.

Personalising the ceremony

Other ways of ensuring a tailor-made ceremony might encompass the choice of music and also readings. You can include the couple’s “story” or make use of selected participants (such as Blue!). Or even put in something unusual. Mid-ceremony, if the couple have drunk from the Loving Cup, everybody could be served some drink (if it can be done logistically) and then rise to drink a toast to the couple.

So there are many features you can incorporate or amend to make your big day really stand out. If you need ideas, your celebrant should be able to help you, but the important thing is to do what YOU want to do!

Photo: Matt Penberthy

Never work with animals or children

Never work with animals or children

As a civil celebrant, I come across a lot of unpredictable elements that people choose for their ceremonies. Animals or children are known to be dangerous (and even more unpredictable) protagonists. Ask any actor!

I think I’ve got away with it lightly so far. I thought I’d have a problem with a dog, and I did have issues with children, Later next year I’ve got a ceremony during which the ring-bearer will probably be an owl. That could be interesting!

Canines

One couple decided to include their dog, Blue. (Sorry, I don’t know the breed.) He suddenly broke free during the ceremony, sprinted up and made a huge fuss of his owner, the groom. Lots of mutual love and affection in evidence. Of course, Blue stole the show.

Fortunately, everybody laughed, and nobody seemed to object to the interruption and slight delay. It could have been worse, as Blue had originally been intended to participate as ring-bearer, but his appetite was such that it was considered  unwise to entrust this role to him.

Children

I have had to carry on against a background of screaming infants at a funeral. That was difficult, and people were clearly being disturbed. I was considering asking the mother to leave with the children, but somehow we got through it.

There have been very vocal children at a wedding (but that doesn’t seem so bad) and also at a naming ceremony. Incidentally, at the latter event, a 12-year-old boy stood up to read one of the poems I had suggested. (This had been agreed in advance with the family.) What nobody had let on was that this boy was dyslexic. I could have picked a much simpler poem, had I known.

Nonetheless, the boy showed remarkable courage and perseverance, but he did mangle the reading!

On another occasion – a big wedding – the couple were fairly unhelpful (throughout), but they’d told me the name of the ring-bearer and knew I was going to call him up. However, I didn’t know him at all and couldn’t locate him beforehand.

I did see a boy, Alexis, (about 6), beautifully dressed up, carrying a cushion. I asked him whether he was the ring-bearer. He didn’t know. He only knew he didn’t have any rings.

The ceremony began. Once we reached the rings section, I invited up the person named on my script. Nobody came up. No response. The couple said nothing. Thanks to a moment’s inspiration, I called out Alexis’ name, and he duly arrived – complete with both rings! Success!

Dumb animals

I have seen pictures of releases of doves and of butterflies. I am not fully sure about these, as I don’t know if inadvertent cruelty might be involved in using them. In principle, I think working with animals or birds is probably OK, and can add some real character and charm to an occasion.

However, the risk of something going wrong is quite high!

2015-03-01 15.04.53

So I tend to agree with the actors who say: never work with animals or children!

Venue

What I do like, though, is the fact that people have the choice to personalise their wedding (or ceremony) in whatever way they wish. It doesn’t have to include animals or birds, of course. The choice of venue may individualise the ceremony sufficiently.

Rituals

There are some lovely rituals you can include that will make your wedding really stand out. A handfasting is just one example. Other possibilities include Unity Candles, a Sand Ceremony, the Loving Cup, Jumping the Broom, and more. Your civil celebrant can explain these or suggest others.

Personalising the ceremony

Other ways of ensuring a tailor-made ceremony might encompass the choice of music and also readings; including the couple’s “story”; using selected participants (such as Blue!). Or even including something unusual. Mid-ceremony, if the couple have drunk from the Loving Cup, everybody could be served some drink (if it works logistically) and then rise to drink a toast to the couple.

So there are many features you can incorporate or amend to make your big day really stand out. If you need ideas, your celebrant should be able to help you, but the important thing is to do what YOU want to do!

 

Children and Weddings

Children and Weddings

Weddings are (normally!) happy  events. Children can usually be accommodated easily enough, if space and budget permit. But, of course, kids have limited attention spans.

I certainly well remember officiating at a funeral where a child decided this would be a good place to seek attention, and all but ruined the occasion for everyone.

If you’re arranging a civil ceremony, you will have a lot of input into what goes into your big day. You may have less freedom of choice when it comes to children.

Firstly, do you invite them at all?

Three answers

Well, there’s no short answer.

1. If you already have your own children, you will probably want to have others there. That’s assuming yours are going to attend (as surely they must).

2. If you don’t have any of your own, you may well resent the risk of other children spoiling your ceremony.

3. You may not feel able to invite children, because you won’t have room or, more likely, can’t afford extra guests. For the reception, you may need to bear in mind that children 12 and over will usually be charged full price by the venue.

One consequence

If you don’t invite children, their parents may not attend, which is something you must be ready for. At least, give plenty of warning (for them to arrange childcare). You also need to be consistent in your policy (for obvious reasons!). Only young bridesmaids or page boys etc. should be the exceptions.

Whatever you decide, make sure the invitation is clear.

Making the best of it!

If you do invite children, there are ways to minimise any negative impact they may have.

The ceremony

At the ceremony, ask the ushers to seat those with toddlers at the end of rows, so that a sudden urgent visit becomes less disruptive.

Maybe you could put a treat (a box of raisins, say, or a party bag) in with the order of service, so the children have something to occupy them for a while.

The reception

You may be able to put on some entertainment for the kids – a magician, balloon modeller, for example. If the venue is OK with it (and the weather permits!), you might be able to offer outside games such as Connect4, which can be hired easily enough. If you have a bouncy castle, remember that that will need a responsible adult attendant throughout.

Be aware of health and safety issues – is there an unguarded pond? Are there trailing cables?

The meal

Try and consider youngsters’ tummies when planning their menu. A two-year-old and a twelve-year-old will not want the same food, and probably neither wants the same as the adults are having! High chairs may need to be provided. Some sort of distraction  is worth offering during a potentially lengthy meal (if only crayons and a book). Depending on numbers, you may want to group children according to age.

A couple of extra thoughts

A first-aid kit should be available at the venue, but you should arrange to bring plasters, high factor sun-tan cream, Calpol and anti-bite cream too.

Finally, you may like to offer a play tent with (quiet) board games, craft materials or fancy dress clothes; or bubble-blowing equipment. Lego can be a good idea too.

Happy children will mean happy adults, so don’t underestimate these ideas!

Remarriage issues

Remarriage usually has its issues. A potential complication can arise when either, or both of them, has children.

How should these be involved in the ceremony?

Of course, this is a matter of choice. The children may prefer to stay on the periphery – or you may decide that they should keep a low profile. A lot will depend on their ages.

Here are some suggestions that might work well, particularly with teenage children.

  1. Planning

Your children could contribute towards the choice of music at the reception. You might be surprised at what they actually ask for – and it will be special if they are out on the dance floor (voluntarily) from time to time.

If they are artistic, children may be able to help create the ceremony décor; very musical ones might be able to sing a bit at the service, accompany the music on guitar etc. (if up to it!) or simply do a reading.

Children might be allowed input into the choice of menu at the reception – especially if they are getting a different meal.

Do give each of the children a role, and, unless it is unavoidable, don’t leave anyone out.

  1. Invitations

If you can afford it, why not let your friend/daughter invite a friend (each)? Even the moodiest of teenagers will appreciate the gesture, and your kind thought may spare him/her from what can be a fairly isolating experience.

  1. The Ceremony

There are plenty of ways to involve the children in the ceremony itself. Traditionally, they can be asked to be ushers (groomsmen) or bridesmaids. But younger boys could do the Best Man bit with the rings (although I understand it if some might consider that a risky move!). They could always be the ones who give Mum away at the start of proceedings.

  1. Unity Rituals

A lovely idea is to ask the children to participate in a ceremony ritual. They could make vows to their new step-parents (who could reciprocate). They could be part of a sand-blending ceremony, but my favourite as a civil celebrant is the Unity Candle.

Provide each child with a taper and (health and safety permitting!) they and the couple all use the tapers to light the Unity Candle at the same time. The symbolism is strong and affecting.

  1. Make the children feel special

After the ceremony, children could help usher guests through to the reception. Then, with age of course a determinant,  an older child could propose a toast at the reception.

They might be given flowers to present to their mothers or new step-mothers at the time of the speeches.

Depending on the child’s maturity, he/she could be allowed a very short speech.

Dancing with the step-parents can be lovely  (although it may be as well to warn the step-child well in advance!).

As the children (like it or not!) are joining a new family, it makes a lot of sense to include them wherever possible on, and maybe before, the big day. If you can start bonding with them in early days, that has got to be for the best.

Helpful Hints for a Wonderful Wedding (Part Two)

Helpful Hints for a Wonderful Wedding (Part Two)

In a recent blog, we spoke of the importance of participants understanding their roles and expectations of them, in order to achieve a wonderful wedding. We addressed the bride and groom plus their parents.

Now it is the turn of a few others to take the limelight.

The Best Man

You have a huge responsibility (so it’s possibly even more important that you do not get blind drunk).

  • You need to keep the groom on schedule
  • You need to check the groom hasn’t forgotten anything (a check-list is a great idea)
  • You will probably be responsible for the ring
  • Depending on what’s been arranged, you may need to look after logistics (eg helping the photographer organise the photo shoot or liaising with the venue over certain arrangements)
  • You will presumably be delivering a major speech, At the very least, ensure your speech is clear, funny (if possible), inclusive, reasonably brief and in no way offensive (either personally, politically or religiously).

Maid of Honour

It’s worth having a bridal emergency kit ready on the day (safety pins, wipes, even chocolate). Reassure the bride wherever possible.

Ushers (groomsmen)

Exercise your charm when showing people to their places. At the reception, dance with single ladies (especially older ones). Be on your best behaviour (and that includes controlling your drink intake).

Bridesmaids

Ensure you are on time and ready on the day. Your job is to look beautiful and support the bride. Button up any negative criticisms you may have. Stay reasonably sober too.

Children

If children are participating, make sure they have been well briefed, that they understand their role and the behaviour that will be expected of them. If their patience is likely to be stretched during the ceremony, have somebody responsible keep an eye on them, and offer them distractions such as a book.

At the reception, there may be a children’s table and activities, but be prepared to occupy a potentially tired, bored and fractious child. And don’t get drunk out of your mind and expect others to look after your offspring!

I hope these tips will prove practical. They are the fruits of a celebrant’s observations of potential pitfalls and pratfalls. Most of the latter can be avoided relatively easily with sense and control. Good luck!