by Michael | Sep 15, 2015 | Blog
There’s always talk about the high divorce rate, but that doesn’t seem to put people off from contemplating a second marriage. Whether their first marriage had broken down irrevocably or had ended through death, a new life begins with a second marriage.
The Whole ‘Shebang’
For your second marriage, there is nothing to stop you from organising a large-scale affair (assuming you have the funds and will to do so). But you may feel that you’ve ‘done it all before’ and would like a more modest ‘do’, and that’s absolutely fine.
Depending on your circumstances and also choices, a full religious service may not be a practical option, so remember that a civil celebrant will be able to create a wonderful and moving ceremony for you (and it can be as religious, or not, as you want it to be).
Likewise, the venue and reception can – and should – reflect your wishes, as well as your budget.
Little problems
Many remarriages will bring children from the first marriage in tow. This may seem a tricky complication, but, although the age of the children is a factor to be considered, there are ways to turn this to your advantage.
It’s absolutely fine if the children remain on the periphery or keep a low profile. Whatever you choose has to be right.
However, if kids can be involved (positively!), this can enhance the ceremony for all concerned (including the guests).
Possible Solutions: before the big day
Children can be invited to a play a part in the planning and at the event itself. Beforehand, they might be asked for a few choices of music (maybe for the service, but, more likely, for the reception). They might be able to help prepare the table decorations for the reception.
Possible Solutions: the big day
An obvious way to involve children is by employing them as bridesmaids or ushers. They can also take part in the ceremony, either by giving their mum away or even (if trusted sufficiently!) by keeping the rings until the ring blessing.
They can also take part in various rituals. There could be brief mutual vows between themselves and the new step-parents; they could participate in ceremonies like sand-blending or Unity candle-lighting, which beautifully symbolise the coming together of two families.
Possible Solutions: the reception
There are various ways that the children can be made to feel special. They can usher people through to the reception. Older ones might propose a toast at the meal or even, in certain circumstances, deliver a very short speech (but this is fraught with potential dangers, and needs to be entered into with eyes wide open!). I advise looking at my blog about groom’s speeches, which contains some important counsel about speech-making in general.
They could have their own table (and possibly, own menu) and entertainment (glo-sticks, fancy dress, magician etc.)
They might even be invited to dance with their new step-parents, although this should not be insisted upon too much!
It certainly makes sense at every level to include the children. You can get your new life off to a great start by keeping them sweet.
Whether or not there are children to consider, whether or not you have already had a big wedding the first time around, make no mistake: your second marriage is a significant step and deserves to be commemorated in the way that meets your beliefs and wishes.
by Michael | Nov 18, 2014 | Blog
It’s certainly not uncommon for couples to embark on their second marriage. A potential complication can arise when either, or both of them, has children.
How should these be involved in the ceremony?
Of course, this is a matter of choice. They may prefer to stay on the periphery – or you may decide that they should keep a low profile. A lot will depend on the age of the children.
Here are some suggestions that might work well, particularly with teenage children.
- Planning
Your children could contribute towards the choice of music at the reception. You might be surprised at what they actually ask for – and it will be special if they are out on the dance floor (voluntarily) from time to time.
If they are artistic, children may be able to help create the ceremony décor; very musical ones might be able to sing a bit at the service, accompany the music on guitar etc. (if up to it!) or simply do a reading.
Children might be allowed input into the choice of menu at the reception – especially if they are getting a different meal.
Do give each of the children a role, and, unless it is unavoidable, don’t leave anyone out.
- Invitations
If you can afford it, why not let your friend/daughter invite a friend (each)? Even the moodiest of teenager will appreciate the gesture, and your kind thought may spare him/her from what can be a fairly isolating experience.
- The Ceremony
There are plenty of ways to involve the children in the ceremony itself. Traditionally, they can be asked to be ushers (groomsmen) or bridesmaids. But younger boys could do the Best Man bit with the rings (although I understand it, if that is considered by some a risky move!). They could be the ones who give Mum away at the start of proceedings.
- Unity Rituals
A lovely idea is to ask the children to participate in a ceremony ritual. They could make vows to their new step-parents (who could reciprocate). They could be part of a sand-blending ceremony, but my favourite is the Unity Candle.
Provide each child with a taper and (health and safety permitting!); they and the couple all use the tapers to light the Unity Candle at the same time. The symbolism is strong and affecting.
- Make the children feel special
After the ceremony, children could help usher guests through to the reception. Then, with age of course a determinant, an older child could propose a toast at the reception.
They might be given flowers to present to their mothers or new step-mothers at the time of the speeches.
Depending on the child’s maturity, he/she could be allowed a very short speech.
Dancing with the step-parents can be lovely (although it may be as well to warn the step-child well in advance!).
As the children (like it or not!) are joining a new family, it makes a lot of sense to include them wherever possible on and maybe before the big day. If you can start bonding with them in early days, that has got to be for the best.
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London, or, indeed, in Europe.
by Michael | Jul 22, 2014 | Blog
To be absolutely transparent: this article is really a mishmash of suggestions for the wedding day, rather than a “marriage miscellany”. I just couldn’t resist the alliteration – I hope you’ll forgive me!
Naturally, there are many factors that make up a successful wedding. As a civil celebrant, my specialism lies in the ceremony itself, but I get to see and experience other aspects too. So here are a few rather random – but no less valuable – thoughts that may help to make a difference to your big day.
The Bride’s appearance
As a middle-aged male, I don’t pretend to be an expert in this particular field. However, everybody seems to focus on the dress, make-up and hair. One area that tends to be overlooked is the skin. Without radiant skin, the cosmetics won’t be effective.
As for the dress, I’d only say that it should fit the occasion (ie stylish, if it’s a formal occasion).
Flowers
I would always advise hiring a professional. Go with their advice about seasonal displays. They will also look after the flowers – wilting flowers at a ceremony are so disappointing.
Photography
Whether you want the occasion recorded by video or still camera, you can save money by asking a friend to do the job. Just bear in mind that there are down sides to this. Firstly, your friend may well miss out on much of the celebrating and socialising. Then, if he is not a professional, he might stuff up, and there are no second chances at weddings! And, of course, if you don’t like his work, a long-standing friendship could be put at risk.
I think a professional is advisable, though a major added expense. Provided you choose wisely (and I have written several blogs about this – eg https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/?p=1468), the outlay will feel justified, once you see the results.
Celebrant
You need someone who knows what they are doing, that you can relate to and trust. Again, I have often written about choosing a good celebrant, but the importance of doing your homework can’t be overestimated. After all, you want the ceremony to be perfect. Some advice can be found at https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/?p=1572.
The Reception
Table plans can be the devil to draw up, but are actually very welcome for guests (unless you have a mischievous streak and some scores to settle!). A big do can be quite disorientating and a little direction will not go amiss. If you mix people up a bit (judiciously!), they can have a lovely time making new acquaintances.
Children
I have often written about children at weddings (eg https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/?p=1659) . If you invite them, make sure they are occupied as much as possible. If they can participate in the ceremony, so much the better. At the reception, give them their own table (in the same room), with appropriate food and activities.
A miscellany, maybe, but I hope this was helpful and gave you a few things to think about.
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.
by Michael | Jul 15, 2014 | Blog
They say that working with children is one of the riskiest things performers can do, as you can never predict children’s behaviour.
The same thing applies to formal ceremonies – weddings, vow renewals, etc.
One option is to make the event child-free, which is absolutely fine, so long as you make this clear on the invitations.
However, not everybody wants – or is able – to do this. So how can you reduce the risk of your ceremony being taken over by over-tired little Orville or attention-seeking Annette?
Here are some ideas.
If you can give them jobs – and show due appreciation afterwards – they will feel valued and will aim to please.
Possible jobs
At the ceremony
Children aged between 4 and 8 or so can serve as flower girls (or boys). One tip here is to make sure that their clothes are comfortable, so they do not become fidgety and, indeed, grumpy.
Older children (between, say, 8 and 14) can be pages or ladies-in-waiting. They may do errands (such as fetching a glass of water or passing messages) and will enjoy the responsibility.
Gift-attendants will suit 12-14-year-olds (assuming the event is big enough for this to be relevant). The children can simply watch over the gifts or possibly tag them with the name of the giver.
You may want a guest-book attendant. Provided that the child is reasonably outgoing, he or she can invite all the guests to sign the guest book. This will probably suit a friendly child over the age of about 14.
Ushers are always useful. Older children may do this best, but they can even have a little train of young ushers to look after. It’s nice if the youngsters can take adult guests by the hand and lead them to their seat!
At the Reception
Food and Drink
Work with the caterer to ensure there is kid-friendly fare out there. I’m personally all for a healthy diet, but on the odd occasion I think we can turn a blind eye. So bring on the chips, mini-burgers, cheese pies, spaghetti hoops, jam or peanut butter sandwiches, Pringles and the like! Provide juice (and if you serve it in goblet-like cups, the children can join in the toasting) and also still water.
Activities
Colouring books, sticker books, box decorating, fabric painting are usually popular with children. If you have a separate room for them, then they might be able to watch a video or even play games like bingo or musical chairs. They may need activity directors to organize these activities (pre-teens are often excellent at this).
Bubble-blowing is another popular option.
Finally, don’t forget to offer, if you can, a chill-out space.
Of course, you may be able to enlist the help of a parent or adult friend to supervise what goes on, or hire an entertainer such as a magician, but you might be surprised how successfully youngsters may run the show. And they come somewhat cheaper!
At any rate, the children will appreciate that they have been included in the adults’ celebration in such a way that they can feel useful and really enjoy themselves, and their behaviour should reflect this.
So everyone’s a winner!
Michael Gordon can help prepare and conduct a tailor-made civil ceremony in or around London or, indeed, in Europe.
by Michael | Jun 6, 2013 | Blog
If you’re having a civil ceremony, you will have a lot of input into what goes into your big day. You may have less choice when it comes to children.
Firstly, do you invite them at all?
Three answers
There’s no short answer.
1. If you already have your own children, you will probably want to have other children there, assuming yours are going to attend (as surely they must).
2. If you don’t have any of your own, you may well resent the risk of other children spoiling your ceremony.
3. You may not feel able to invite children, because you can’t afford extra guests. For the reception, you may need to bear in mind that children 12 and over will usually be charged full price.
One consequence
If you don’t invite children, their parents may not attend, which is something you must be ready for. So giving plenty of warning (so they can arrange childcare) is important. You also need to be consistent (for obvious reasons!), although young bridesmaids or page boys etc. can serve as exceptions.
Whatever you decide, make sure the invitation is clear.
Making the best of it!
If you do invite children, there are ways to minimize any negative impact they may have.
The ceremony
At the ceremony, ask the ushers to seat those with young children at the end of rows, so that a sudden urgent visit becomes less disruptive.
Maybe you could put a treat (a box of raisins, say, or a party bag) in with the order of service, so the children have something to occupy them for a while.
The reception
You may be able to put on some entertainment for the children – a magician, balloon modeler, for example. If the venue is OK with it (and the weather permits!), you might be able to offer outside games such as Connect4, which can be hired easily enough. If you have a bouncy castle, remember that that will need a responsible adult attendant throughout.
Be aware of health and safety issues – is there an unguarded pond? Are there trailing cables?
The meal
Try and consider children’s tummies when planning their menu. A two-year-old and a twelve-year-old will not want the same food, and probably neither wants the same as the adults are having! High chairs may need to be provided. Some sort of distraction is worth offering during a potentially lengthy meal (maybe only crayons and a book). Depending on numbers, you may want to group children according to age.
A couple of extra thoughts
A first-aid kit should be available at the venue, but you should arrange to bring plasters, high factor sun-tan cream, Calpol and anti-bite cream too.
Finally, you may like to offer a play tent with (quiet) board games, craft materials or fancy dress clothes; or bubble-blowing equipment. Lego can be a good idea too.
Happy children will mean happy adults, so don’t underestimate these ideas!
Michael Gordon can deliver a tailor-made civil ceremony around London or further afield.
