by Michael | Jun 27, 2023 | Blog
Considerable work and preparation goes into ensuring that a life-cycle ceremony goes smoothly and is memorable for the right reasons! However, even with the best-laid plans and the most accomplished professionals in place, things go pear-shaped occasionally. This tends to be the exception, rather than the rule, but these tales bear telling!
Not an error on anyone’s part, but just a sad episode. When I paid a family visit to put together a funeral, the solitary son was apologetic. “My mother was really secretive. I don’t know much about her.” To the extent that when he went through her papers, he discovered that one school day when he was 11, his parents had secretly got married! That was the first he knew of it. And the father abandoned his family quite soon afterwards.
One funeral limousine turned up at the wrong address, waking the residents, who must have had quite a surprise!
I haven’t done it myself yet, but I’ve attended a funeral where the officiant used entirely the wrong name when referring to the deceased! Not to be recommended.
I did get caught out quite early in my career. We had ordered a particular hymn. In those days, the chapel attendant waited for his cue and played the music from a remote booth. (He could see and hear me, but I couldn’t see him). I therefore always gave a copy of the “script” to the attendant as well as introducing the music that was to be played.
On this occasion, I announced the hymn, but nothing happened. Same again. Nothing. I simply had to move on with the service without the hymn.
It turns out that the attendant, experienced as he was, had simply forgotten about the hymn and gone outside for a bit! Understandably, the family weren’t best pleased!
On another occasion, I was invited to discuss the Order of Service with a charming family consisting of a brother and two sisters. Usually, after the family meeting, I would send a draft by email to the relevant parties and await their comments. We would tend to have about a week to get this sorted.
I duly sent out the emails to each of them. I must have copied the brother’s address wrongly, because that bounced. I therefore wrote again to one of the sisters, and asked her to forward the draft to him. She agreed.
The day before the funeral the brother rang me. Where was the draft? I told him that his sister had forwarded it to him. “She has nothing to do with me. There’s no way she’d have forwarded it!”
Families, families …
People say that I appear very calm and collected when officiating. Maybe, but I prefer not to think about what could happen …!
by Michael | Jun 20, 2023 | Blog
It can be dangerous to cut corners when planning weddings. However, it is not always necessary to “go the whole hog”. You can make savings.
Clearly, there are going to be differences between a society wedding and one with a dozen guests. Then there are destination weddings and back garden affairs. I won’t attempt to cover all of these here!
What I am suggesting is some short cuts that, if administered judiciously, should be safe and convenient – and save you some money!
Venue
At one extreme, you can (as indicated) hold a ceremony in your back garden. However, everything – including health and safety aspects – is down to you. You certainly won’t get the peace of mind a hotel (say) should offer you.
If booking a venue, you may be able to barter a little, especially if you’re happy to go out of season with your event. Summer is likely to be most expensive. Arranging your do earlier in the day may work out cheaper.
Wedding Planner
If you’re having a small wedding (especially if you’re using a venue with its own event planner), you may not need a wedding planner as well. Otherwise, I would suggest you at least consider using one.
Planners have contacts across the industry and may actually be able to save you money on suppliers. They take the worry out of the planning and running of the day, which can be invaluable.
You can usually choose either to book a planner for the whole process or simply book one for the day.
Catering
With a small event, you may be able to get away with organising this aspect yourself. But bear in mind that you will have to consider buying in the food and drink, setting up the seating, providing crockery and cutlery etc., heating (if appropriate) and serving the food (safely). Then you may need to cater for those with special dietary requirements (vegans, gluten-free, children, and so on).What about the clearing up?
Having the event professionally catered will not necessarily cost much more than doing it yourself, but will be a weight off your mind (and feet!).
Entertainment
This is down to you! Do you want a disco (but will elderly guests?!)? Do you want a DJ or MC? What about photo booths? A magician, perhaps?
Or none of them?!
Officiant
If you know someone who is a good public-speaker, could they take the service? You may be able to save some money that way. True, they may not be good at putting a memorable ceremony together, but they are a possibility, though not one I recommend.
However, a professional (like myself!) will put a lot of work in to ensure that the ceremony is unique and just what you want. Then, with their demeanour, professionalism and experience, they will virtually guarantee a truly memorable ceremony. You will be able to relax, confident in their ability, and that’s worth a lot.
Musicians and Florists
Live music is usually better for atmosphere, but may well cost more that a DJ.
In-season flowers will probably cost less than more exotic ones. You may choose to go easy on more expansive (and expensive) colour themes, if you want to cut a corner.
Photographers/Videographers
Not something I would skimp on. Those memories are irreplaceable. What if you got a friend to take the photos, and they made a mistake and couldn’t take any? Apart from the loss of tangible memories, would the relationship with that friend endure?
So splash out for these (although there are cheaper ones who are still very good).
Extras
I haven’t talked about rings, clothes or make-up artists, for example, which are probably de rigueur, as far as requirements go.
But there are other extras that you could avoid, if on a tight budget. Lovely as it was, having a barn owl deliver the ring for blessing, did not come cheap. Was it really necessary?
Well, it depends on your viewpoint and pockets.
For more advice, feel free to contact me, but I hope that this was a useful start.
Photo: Matt Penberthy
by Michael | Jun 13, 2023 | Blog
Whether or not it is better to marry in a religious ceremony is subjective in the extreme. There may sometimes be outside pressures (such as parents), but normally it is down to the couple.
Of course, they may disagree and will need to seek a compromise.
Recent research indicates that marriage in places of worship accounts for less than a fifth of all ceremonies.
Religious ceremonies accounted for 18.7% of opposite-sex marriages, and same-sex a mere 0.7%.
This could be explained away by the fact that more couples are choosing to live together, rather than marry. However, that is not a reason for the significant drop in the religious option.
Probably, this fall is connected to the decline in active church-going. It may also be to do with the lack of flexibility that a church service offers compared with a celebrant-led ceremony.
That is not to deny religious services their place. I chose to get married in a religious ceremony, and such services can be meaningful, inspiring and beautiful, although less personal.
I say ‘personal’ because the religious service tends to be one-size-fits-all. There is a basic liturgy to be adhered to, so such ceremonies can be rigid. A celebrant can provide all this (or as much as is desired) and also add the spiritual, personal elements.
A lot of people may consider a full religious event excessive, so, being able to offer a part-religious dimension can make a celebrant-led ceremony very attractive. Furthermore, in some cases, the Church may not condone a partnership (such as a mixed marriage), and then, once again, the celebrant can be the answer.
Finally, a church may have beauty and atmosphere, but you have choice of venue if you go with a celebrant, and the place of your dreams might not be the church.
So it’s a matter for personal taste, of course. If you want to discuss how a civil celebrant wedding may tick all the boxes, have a chat with me!
Photo@ samyaz.sproutstudio.com
by Michael | May 19, 2023 | Blog
You don’t need me to tell you that weddings are costly. There are potentially a lot of suppliers to engage and they do not tend to come cheaply!
Some suppliers are probably guilty of hoicking their prices up as soon as they scent an engaged couple.
Mind you, mainly due to competition, some charge very reasonable rates. And others undervalue themselves. Not just anyone can do their work! They have been trained, possess specialist knowledge, particular skills and ability. All that needs to be reckoned with too.
Furthermore, what is a necessity to one couple might be a luxury to another, so there will be different viewpoints about how much is reasonable to spend. Of course, the scale and complexity of the ceremony need to be factored in too.
Then there’s the need for the couple to do their ‘due diligence’, shop around and check they’re not being shafted. But they have to take care to compare like with like.
Practicalities
You’re likely to want to hire a photographer, a florist and maybe a celebrant. Then there’s the catering, venue hire, dress/suit outlay, MUA expense, maybe a wedding planner – to name but half a dozen potential expenses.
Even that is not as simple as it sounds.
Do you want a single photographer or a couple, to capture different angles and facets? What about a videographer, or both? Can you get a friend to do the photography? (I’d say no, unless they are professionals themselves. You don’t want a foul-up at such a unique occasion.)
A wedding planner can be a long-term booking, or you can get one for the day only.
A decent celebrant needs to be able to ask the right questions (to get inside the couple’s heads and establish their vision). They also need to listen well (not just imposing their own choices, although advice can often be invaluable). They must be good writers when putting together the ceremony and, not least, be able to present well.
I hold a Diploma in Wedding Celebrancy and have over 10 years’ experience in conducting ceremonies. I belong to an ethical professional association. I have a suitable personality – calm, friendly, but professional. How many celebrants boast all these assets?
I therefore feel justified in charging for my services (although I am only mid-range).
The same must go for other suppliers. They may use other skills, but they are professionals in their field. Many are experts and can guarantee doing an excellent job.
When you’re seeking out suppliers, ensure you find out their Ts & Cs (I know it’s boring!). That way, there can be no nasty surprises, and you’ll know exactly what you’re getting.
And what you’re not!
So, decide your budget, speak to suppliers and choose your team for the event. Hopefully, you can afford the team you want (if not, maybe you can juggle your outlay).
That way, you should get maximum peace of mind and a wonderfully successful occasion!
by Michael | May 16, 2023 | Blog
It’s about a year since I performed my first elopement ceremony.
Up until then, I had images of sudden, unplanned flight to marry without parental consent. All very hush-hush and immediate.
This one didn’t fall neatly into that category, however.
This couple (who we will call Anita and Bruce) were totally against razzamatazz. They didn’t want showy stuff, preferring sincere, even emotional, content. It’s true that relations between their families were not particularly cordial. It’s also true that they wanted to mark the occasion with a few days in London (they were American).
They would hold a couple of small receptions (one for each family) after their return, and they had already married legally, but this ceremony – attended only by a photographer – was what really had meaning for them.
The ceremony would be part-religious (mainly spiritual), so a celebrant like me could work with them to put together a very special service.
The setting was special too. We chose a lovely day among the ruins of St. Dunstans-in-the-East, near Tower Bridge.
The Service
I introduced the occasion and read a poem “Why Marriage?”. Then I spoke to the couple briefly about the importance of marriage. (No lecturing!)
Next came the exchange of vows, both traditional and newly-written. As for their own compositions, neither knew what the other one was going to say, which made the readings unique and really quite emotional. The couple were clearly in love and it came through from the way they spoke, as well as from what they said.
Next came Kellie Spehn’s poem “The Meaning” before I introduced and carried out a handfasting. The pair were bound together for a minute or so in an infinity knot.
This was followed by an exchange of rings and finally the Blessings of Divine Qualities and the kiss. This latter was the most drawn-out that I had ever witnessed! This was evidently appreciated by the onlookers, as it won a round of applause.
Maybe it wasn’t exactly what I had anticipated when Anita and Bruce first raised the prospect of an elopement ceremony, but it was absolutely what they wanted and a delight and memorable event for me.
by Michael | May 8, 2023 | Blog
Modesty aside for this blog!
After I trained to become a civil celebrant, I became aware of some of my assets. People liked working with me because I am business-like, but friendly. I listen and offer advice. I am thorough, but not OCD. I am passionate about my results. I am experienced and know how to present well in public. I can write well (not just grammatically!).
These are all qualities that a decent civil celebrant should have, and many do. So you could argue that they are not really USPs.
An unexpected USP for me was found due to an eagle-eyed client. On my website, I had mentioned (stuffed away in the middle of a paragraph somewhere) that I was a linguist. She enquired whether I could work in Russian. Well, I may have been a bit rusty, but yes. That was the clincher, and I got the gig!
Then, someone who knew me asked if I read enough Hebrew to conduct a part-Jewish wedding. Again, affirmative.
So I realised there was a unique selling point there, and I reworked my website.
One challenging test was being asked to read a paragraph in Swedish. I literally know fewer words in Swedish than I have fingers on one hand, so I owned up. The groom was happy to write the text for me, send a transliteration and let me have a rehearsal. Ironically, the Swedes at the wedding seemed all to speak perfect English, but they absolutely loved the Swedish!
I have had to do a couple of funerals in Russian and some more (part-) Jewish ceremonies. I’ve also done a Vow Renewal in French – this was supposed to be in English, but the husband (from Quebec) hadn’t admitted that his English was very limited, and he clearly wasn’t understanding what was going on. I had enough French to translate loosely, as we went along, so they were very pleased.
I’m also fluent in German, but, for some reason, have never needed to deploy it in a ceremony. The same (to a lesser extent) goes with my Czech and Italian (both very rusty, but workable).
If you know anybody planning to mark a ceremony that would be improved by including a few foreign-language sections, then please direct them to me.
Photo: Jamie Dodd
