As a celebrant, I sometimes want to cry at a ceremony I’m conducting. That may be surprising. But this might be because I have lost someone myself, or it may just be the reflected emotion of the occasion.
But is it right for me to cry? And is it right for the punter to cry?
And then, I’m a bloke. It’s not the done thing for men to cry, surely?
The last question can be blown out of the water at once. There’s no reason why men shouldn’t display emotions. Crying (and laughing) are part of what makes us human.
Happy Occasions
Crying at weddings is more common than you might think. You almost expect it from the bride’s mother, say, but sometimes it can spread surprisingly wide. (Obviously, if there’s been a recent death in a family or somebody is on the way out, it’s quite normal for there to be tears.)
And we often don’t realise the adversity a couple may have had to overcome simply to reach the day. No wonder they, or relatives/friends are crying!)
Also, when I see the look of love a couple next to me is exchanging, it’s hard for me to keep a dry eye.
Funerals
You expect crying at a funeral (even if the emphasis is on celebrating the life). However, funeral families often tell me that they want to stand up and read something, but don’t dare to. They think they won’t be able to get through it, or will break down in tears.
I normally reassure them that one purpose of a funeral is to release emotion. Moreover, it’s totally expected that people close to the deceased will be emotionally involved. No one is going to criticise you for wanting to shed a tear. (And I can always take over, if needs be.)
Where I personally found it hard to hold things together was during the funeral of my dear uncle. We had been very close. But again people recognised my relationship and nobody minded.
I think that even harder was the funeral I conducted for somebody I had never known. She was a young mother of two young children (aged about 6 and 8), who had known she was dying (it was cancer).
She wrote a paragraph to be read out at the funeral. That was my job. She wrote of her love, especially for the children, and, without denying her regrets, was positive and encouraging. Love was absolutely what it was all about.
I certainly wasn’t alone in shedding a tear!
My Answer
To revert to my original question, I am not sure that a celebrant should break down and “lose it” (although I believe that the odd tear is quite acceptable – we are humans too!). However, anybody else, who is faced with strong emotion, should not hold back. There’s nothing to be ashamed about, if you cry a bit. In fact, it’s positively healthy.
As a celebrant, I obviously officiate at many types of ceremony. Some are quite conventional; others, less so. Some include ritual, while many do not.
Rituals are too numerous to list (and originate from a whole variety of cultures). No selection is going to be anything like exhaustive. I therefore ask your indulgence, when I focus on a few that have been particularly popular with my clients.
Trampling a Glass
A popular way to end a ceremony (pictured) is for the groom (usually) to tread a glass underfoot. This comes from Jewish tradition. It actually has a number of different interpretations. The most common one is the idea that breaking the glass brings good luck.
Loving Cup (Quaich)
From the Celtic tradition, a goblet is shared by the couple. They usually – but not exclusively – drink wine. They may well have three toasts – one to the past, the second to the present, and the third to the future.
Sand Ceremony
This is a lovely ceremony and can be performed by the couple alone. The origin is pagan. It signifies the joining together of two families.
Sand of one colour is poured by one member of one family into a receptacle; sand of another colour is then poured into the same receptacle. Appropriate words from the celebrant can accompany this act.
A full handfasting can last a long time, depending on the blessings to be incorporated. However, there is a much shorter – but lovely – version available.
This involves the couple using ribbons or cords (their choice), and the celebrant tying their wrists together (often in a figure-of-eight knot).
The ritual goes back to Celtic times, although here too there are various different versions. One, at least, related to a peasant wedding conducted by the village blacksmith.
This is only a taster of what could be available. Rituals offer a huge amount. They are often beautiful in their own right, may be humorous, but are always intriguing, and most have immense spiritual value.
I’d be happy to discuss these (or other) rituals at your leisure.
Although my speciality, of course, is ceremonies, I have quite some experience of other aspects of weddings, and I’d like to focus on guests today.
Wedding invitations typically inspire one of two reactions:
“Yay! I’m getting married! Who can I invite?”
Or “Yay! I’ve just been invited to X’s wedding!”
Yes, wedding guests (from whichever angle you look at them) are good news.
But let’s look at both angles a bit more closely. There might be some surprises.
Inviting the Guests
It’s all very well having all your favourite people together for your big occasion, but most couples have a budget, and it may not stretch to inviting just anyone.
So you have to make decisions as to who makes the cut. Not always easy. Compromise and patience are the watchwords here.
Then, of course, there’s the question of inviting children (where relevant) or not. And do you invite some, but draw the line at others?
And what about “significant others”?
You may have to take into account dietary preferences ,etc.
Seating plans for the breakfast are potentially a dangerous area!
How much do you actually pay for? For example, will you offer a couple of drinks free and then have a cash bar?
Then what do you offer for entertainment? Do you lay on special entertainment for children? Or for the elderly?
Do you want a Wedding List, or do you prefer no gifts?
These are all considerations that deserve to be mulled over.
Being a Guest
It’s an honour and (hopefully!) a delight to be invited as a guest. However, that comes with a few potential issues.
How easy is the wedding date for you to accommodate? Can you juggle bookings to ensure you are free? Do you really want to? What if it’s a destination wedding, which involves an extended period away (and indefinite expense)?
Are there liable to be personality clashes or embarrassing encounters (eg you know an ex will be invited)? Are you going to find an excuse, or will you grin and bear it?
What gift(s) are you expected to purchase? Can you find something that the couple want/need? Is that within a reasonable budget from your point of view?
Will you need to spend money on new clothing for the occasion?
How easy is transportation going to be? Will the wedding be in a separate venue to the reception? How accessible are they both?
Talking of money, according to American Express, the average wedding guest will spend (when all is said and done) almost £900 attending a wedding. That’s quite significant!
So, whichever side of the fence you are sitting, don’t jump straight into inviting guests left, right and centre. Equally, weigh up the invitation you have received so you can make the right decision.
People are often quite curious about my work. One of the questions I sometimes get asked is “What is a celebrant’s typical day like?”
The first answer is that there isn’t a “typical” day, really. One of the beauties of the work that I do is that there’s a lot of variety. That’s standard.
Like anybody else, I have to read emails, answer irrelevant phone calls, keep accounts, dress appropriately when seeing clients, and so on, but we’ll take all these for granted.
Preparations
Depending on my diary, I can expect to be talking to a wedding couple – or to a funeral family – for an hour or so. Obviously, if it is face-to-face, travel has to be factored in.
Another major time-filler is writing the ceremony. Unlike some talented celebrants, I rarely compose my own words, but prefer to read widely and choose appropriate texts. These people can write better than me, so why not use them?!
Weddings
“Typical” will also depend on whether we are talking about a weekday or a weekend. If it’s a weekend wedding, then I’m off in good time, aiming to arrive an hour before the ceremony is due to start.
I will make contact with the couple (the groom, at least, as the bride may well not be on the premises) and any event planner. I will check that the venue is correctly set up, and sort out any discrepancies. I lay out what I need (could be handfasting ribbon, unity candle, quaich, or whatever. I usually liaise with photographers, florists and caterers.
I will make sure the groom is reasonably calm. I’ll also check he has the rings and, in general, knows what is expected of him.
Once the bride arrives, it’s down to me to conduct the ceremony. This may last between 25 minutes and an hour.
After the ceremony, although I may be asked to stay for photos, I am usually free to go home. I will never arrange two weddings in one day (potential for delays is too great!), so that should be the end of my day’s work.
Funerals
A “typical” funeral will take place at my local crematorium, about 5 miles away. So I normally leave an hour before the official start time, and sit in the car park until about 20 minutes before the start.
Then, I seek out the attendant and check the right music has been cued up. I leave him (it is normally a “he”) a copy of my “script”, just in case. We also agree on a photo to be projected on to the screen for the service. We try and make it as relevant to the deceased as possible.
Next up is to find the family and check all is in order and they know what will be happening over the next half hour or so.
When the Funeral Director arrives, we liaise and start as soon as possible. Again, this is down to me to lead (and direct if there are any participants involved).
Once the service ends, I go out with the family to the terrace and wait around for a while, in case anybody wants to speak to me.
I am sometimes invited back to the reception, but I don’t usually have the time, although I do sometimes drop in briefly.
So, as far as “typical” goes, I hope that gives a flavour of it!
Before you commit, you’re going to have questions to ask your celebrant. That’s normal.
I’m going to anticipate some of them for you.
How can I trust the Celebrant?
Word of mouth is obviously a good starting-point. However, you may not have witnessed a celebrant in action. You also may not know anybody who can recommend one to you.
The next best thing is to have a look at the Celebrant’s website. Look especially at testimonials (and also how the celebrant says they work with clients). The testimonials may reveal the celebrant’s strengths. Do these resonate for you too?
Before signing anything, have a chat with your celebrant. On the phone, by Zoom, or, best of all, face-to-face. Apart from anything else, you’re going to want to know that you can feel confident in your celebrant – and would be happy to work with them on your big day.
What about Cost and Ts & Cs?
However, unattractive it may be, reading the Ts and Cs is essential, if only for peace of mind. If you don’t understand something, then ask for clarification. You need to know precisely what the celebrant is offering – and what might not be included.
Your budget will dictate your outlay, of course, but, within reason, don’t despair if the celebrant is asking a little more than you had in mind. It’s important – and not that easy – to find someone who is right for you both, and worth paying for. If necessary, you may be able to save a little elsewhere, and use that to make up any deficit.
How about Cancellation?
Again, the Ts and Cs should cover this, but I take a non-refundable deposit (because I may have rejected work by accepting your booking). I am normally happy to rearrange, if some major change forces a postponement, and normally do this without extra charge.
If I have to cancel (but I never have in 10 years), then I will reimburse your balance and do my best to find a suitable replacement.
What USP can a Celebrant Offer?
A celebrant can give you variety. Depending on their processes, they can conduct a serious, even religious ceremony, or a spiritual one, or a combination. They can vary the tone. They can hold your hand throughout (not literally!), or let you realise your vision and merely advise. They can suggest and conduct spiritual rituals.
They are normally accomplished writers and presenters and can make any ceremony very special.
If you have further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
