by Michael | Apr 16, 2013 | Blog
What really makes relationships work
What I am going to look at is a very important subject – namely, how to survive marriage and even more, sustain a solid marriage. Sex can play a major part, but that is not what I am going to discuss here (sorry if I am disappointing anyone!).
Relationships need love, but, to survive marriage, they also need to be worked at.
It’s easy enough to get on with your partner when everything is going smoothly. Unfortunately, life is rarely smooth. Disagreements inevitably arise.
Managing conflict is therefore key. Conflicts are not enjoyable, but they are healthy (at least, communication must be taking place!).
I’d like to suggest a few ways in which you can manage conflict.
Some simple strategies
- Try and avoid blaming your partner. Explain your point of view calmly and be prepared to listen and compromise.
- Don’t go calling your partner names. Respect is an integral part of a relationship, and calling them “stupid” or “lazy”, say, isn’t going to help.
- Don’t go silent, even if it avoids conflict (in the short-term). You need to validate your partner by responding, which shows you are listening (you don’t have to be agreeing).
- Focus on the matter at hand. Take one issue at a time! Stick to the particular incident or issue (rather than vaguely saying something like, “That’s typical. You never help out”). Incidentally, you should not allow a build-up of issues – deal with them individually as they arise!
Conclusion
These tips – valuable as they are – are only meant as a beginning. They are quite easy to follow, and can help repair relationships as well as prevent break-downs. Respect is probably the vital ingredient in managing conflict.
Michael Gordon is a celebrant based in London.
by Michael | Apr 4, 2013 | Blog
We all know a bit about conventional wedding ceremonies in the UK and even in Ancient Greece (https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/?p=589), but what about modern Russian weddings?
A traditional Russian wedding usually lasts two days, so needs to be well-planned. Like most Western brides, Russian brides look for the best outfit they can afford. Local culture often infuses the wedding, and it can be traditional or westernized. It will usually take place in a church, and may include the ‘crowning’ of the couple.
The wedding is prefaced by a small civil affair for the couple, close relatives and a few friends.
The wedding itself typically starts with the couple isolated from each other. They are accompanied by friends and family during this time.
Amazingly, the bride gets ‘kidnapped’ and the groom has to set out on a mission to rescue her. The bride’s friends and family try to mislead the groom. They may hide his car keys or block access to his quarters. A ransom may be demanded. The groom’s task is to answer trivia questions (to symbolise the fact that marriage will present challenges to the groom and he must do everything possible to safeguard his wife).
Once the groom has been successful, the whole party moves off (often by train, in two separate carriages) for their civil ceremony. After the ceremony, it is common to place flowers on the graves of deceased Russian troops.
The reception usually lasts two days. First, the couples’ parents toast the pair, then everyone else joins in. The couple kiss after each toast. Then wild dancing and partying will begin.
The first night is open to anyone and is a huge event with lots of eating and drinking, dancing, pranks and good wishes to the bride and groom.
The second day is much more intimate – only close friends and family attend.
The extravagant celebrations ensure an unforgettable start to the couple’s married life together.
Michael Gordon is a celebrant based in London.
by Michael | Mar 5, 2013 | Blog
These days, everybody seems to be putting in their ha’porth about marriage. It’s becoming quite emotive. I don’t see why I shouldn’t add to the discussion.
As I’m a wedding celebrant, you might expect me to be pro-marriage, but it’s not as straightforward as that. After all, would I be happy marrying a couple who I believed were incompatible, or doing it for the wrong reasons?
Historically, marriages were often made for reasons of wealth, power and succession and life-spans were shorter.
A marriage today is viewed quite differently from the way it was viewed in our parent’s – and certainly grandparents’ – generation. Today, expectations might well include romance, children, financial stability and friendship, as well as great sex.
We want different things when we are in our early twenties to what we want in our forties, so arguably marriage shouldn’t be for life.
Divorce rates are high, so, seemingly, marriage isn’t working. One point to balance this a bit is that couples who marry over the age of 25 are statistically far less likely to divorce. Moreover, a lot of remarriages are proving durable.
Marriage tends to be later than it used to be. Apparently, 89% of women over 35 are fertile, and 13% can still have children at 45, so ‘late’ weddings make sense. Also, more mature parents have more chance of bringing up their children sensibly,
A good marriage can bring stability and happiness to the couple and their offspring. Witnessing their parents working at their relationship is a good example for the children.
I believe that if people marry for the right reasons (eg love and respect), and they are reasonable in their expectations, then marriage is still a valuable institution. It needs to be worked at, but can you reasonably expect success in anything without effort?
by Michael | Dec 14, 2012 | Blog
I was interested by this blog in the ‘Daily Telegraph’ of 12.12.12 by Cristina Odone. I’d be interested to know if anyone has any thoughts on the matter?
Married couples: the new minority in 2012 Britain
Britons fall out of love with marriage
I belong to a minority. No, not because I’m an immigrant, or a Catholic, though I am both of those things. I belong to the newest minority to emerge from the 2011 census: married couples. Only ten years ago, married people constituted the majority of the population; today, under 50 per cent of Britons are married. Most, are now single, or cohabiting, or divorced.
Why? Marriage is difficult and challenges the one value that our establishment holds dearest of all: individualism. Everyone repeats the mantra that we must be free to be ourselves, stand on our own two feet, and indulge ourselves because “you’re worth it”. Me myself and I are the supreme trinity in our culture.
No wonder marriage, with its emphasis on inter-dependence rather than independence, and its prizing of communal goals rather than individual ambitions, runs against the grain.
It doesn’t help that the government doesn’t prize marriage either: tax breaks for married couples were promised but never delivered.
So, why not turn our back on marriage and dump it, like we’ve dumped the Olivetti typewriter or the Kodak instamatic?
One good reason is children. One tragic statistic that cropped up recently on the Today programme is that four million children in Britain grow up without contact with their father. They have no idea what it feels like to have a masculine role model, see their dad’s eyes fill with pride at something they’ve done well, or even feel a dad’s arm around their shoulder.
Given that state schools, especially at primary level, have so few male teachers, is it any wonder that gang members claim that the first father figure they come across is in prison?
But even those children who keep in touch with their dad in a cohabiting household do statistically less well than children of married couples: they are more likely to end up in jail, or on drugs, and in trouble at school.
I can understand why marriage seems such unappealing to so many raised on the idea of putting themselves first. But being number one when you are all alone is not great, either.
