by Michael | Oct 6, 2020 | Blog
I don’t think many people can have been totally satisfied with the way funerals have had to be conducted over the last months. Some, indeed, have understandably been very frustrated.
There’s no need to catalogue the causes, but two predominate: 1) the need for social distancing and 2) constrictions on the order of service.
What that means is that mourners have had to limit who they invite to the funeral (although, at an extra cost, livestreaming has been an option). It also means that the service is conditional (eg no singing). Moreover, (outside your ‘bubble’) you have to sit in isolation. And you can’t touch other people. At a time when human comfort, support and consolation are so important.
There was a lot of talk about memorial services as a possible solution. Maybe the funeral wouldn’t be perfect, but a memorial service could be arranged a couple of months down the line. That would make up for it.
The service itself
In order to understand whether a memorial service would indeed be what is wanted, let’s consider what it offers.
Of course, there’s no definitive answer! However, the venue may be a crematorium chapel, say, but could just as well be a private room in a pub or hotel. There may be a slide show and/or photo albums on display. It could be a very relaxed event. There’ll be food and drink. Most importantly, arguably, there’ll be a ceremony – to some degree informal. Probably, this will be a celebration of life, and there may be an opportunity for tributes to be delivered.
Consequences
Of course, memorial services didn’t really happen, as numbers legally congregating have been tightened again.
So people have been deferring arrangements. Now they’re looking at marking the one-year anniversary. They are still faced with the unknowable, though: when will social distancing be lifted?
So a lot of people are hesitating to book anything just yet.
I can fully understand their hesitancy, and how frustrating it must be for them!
At some point, a decision will have to be reached. Deposits will have to be paid to reserve suppliers. You may have to rely on the decency and flexibility of suppliers.
If it’s any help, in my role as a celebrant, I don’t ask for any money until I’ve actually started work on the ceremony.
But nobody can make the decision for you, I’m afraid!
I’d be glad to have a non-obligation chat about issues relating to a memorial service, if it helps.
by Michael | Aug 21, 2020 | Blog
At first glance, you might think that humour has no place at a life-cycle ceremony. After all, a wedding, say, marks a significant change, so should be solemn. And a funeral is the last place for a laugh, surely.
And yet …
The “fun” in “funeral
A funeral should be a celebration of life (not merely an opportunity to grieve – important as that is). If the deceased was a joker, that’s what people will remember. So why not remind people of a few of the laughs they had with them?
The whole family will fondly recall the time Reg (not real name) attended a bingo session. With his ‘gift of the gab’ he persuaded the organisers that he had won the main prize (a television). Once awarded it, he owned up – but was still allowed to keep it.
Not untypically, Reg carried on drinking. When he it was time to go, the stairs proved too much for him, and he dropped the TV down the flight!
Amazingly, it was undamaged (but for BBC2). But stories like that just sum up the man Reg was!
At another funeral, where I felt I knew the family reasonably well, rather to my surprise, I ad-libbed. The deceased was a rabid Chelsea supporter, and we played the theme tune “Blue is the Colour”. I encouraged those who wanted to, to join in, but pointed out that I was from the wrong side of London and totally refused!
Weddings
It’s easier to ad lib or include humour in celebratory ceremonies. Gravitas may still be relevant, but not necessarily all the time.
As a celebrant, when I put together a wedding, I normally work with the bride and groom. As a rule, the groom is not always as engaged in proceedings as the bride. On one occasion, the groom left me to work with the bride, and we agreed to include a humorous poem (by Pam Ayres) without him knowing. He didn’t suspect a thing and was completely floored on the day, bringing proceedings to a near-stop!
My clients are encouraged to write their own vows, and sometimes these can be quite revealing, as well as amusing! I did have to question whether one particular groom really wanted to include public reference to his bride’s arse! (He did!)
I hope this short overview will convince you that humour can have a place in ceremonies – if used judiciously!
photo: lyndseygoddard.com
by Michael | Jul 28, 2020 | Blog
It is well-known that working with animals or children can be to court disaster.
As a civil celebrant, I am exposed to such risk almost all the time!
Regular readers of my posts may recall the wedding when a dog took a starring role.
Upstaged by a Canine
One couple wanted their dog, Blue, involved. The plan was that he would be the ring-bearer. However, his appetite was notorious, so it was deemed safer for him to be appointed “page-dog” instead. As he arrived, escorting the bride in, he suddenly broke free, sprinted up to the front and made a huge fuss of his owner, the groom. Lots of mutual love and affection in evidence. Of course, Blue ruined the bride’s entrance and stole the show – but nobody really minded!
Children
I won’t even tell you how many times screaming infants – even at a funeral – have disturbed ceremonies. Somehow we get through it.
Other issues can be less predictable.
At a naming ceremony, a 12-year-old boy stood up to read one of the poems I had suggested. (This had been agreed in advance with the family.) What nobody had thought to tell me was that this boy was highly dyslexic. I could have picked a much simpler poem, had I known, or e-mailed it to him in advance, so he could practise.
Nonetheless, the boy showed remarkable courage and perseverance, but he did totally massacre the reading!
On another occasion – a big wedding – the couple were fairly unhelpful (throughout), but they’d told me the name of the ring-bearer and knew I was to call him up. However, I wasn’t introduced to him and failed to locate him beforehand among the 200 guests.
By chance, I did spot a boy, Alexis, (aged about 6), beautifully dressed up, carrying a velvet cushion. I asked him whether he was the ring-bearer. He didn’t know. He only knew that he didn’t have any rings and didn’t know what the cushion was for.
The ceremony began. Once we reached the rings section, I invited up the person named on my script. Nobody moved. No response, even when I repeated the summons. The couple beside me didn’t react. On the spur of the moment, I called out Alexis’ name, and he duly arrived – complete with cushion and both rings! Success!
Dumb animals
I have seen pictures of releases of doves and of butterflies. I am not fully sure about these, as I don’t know if inadvertent cruelty might be involved in using them. In principle, I think working with animals or birds of prey is probably OK, and can add some real character and charm to an occasion.
However, the risk of something going wrong is quite high!
The only time so far that I have worked with an animal, it was a bird. To be precise, Dusk, a barn owl. Her role was to fly up to the bride (from behind the unwitting guests) as soon as I placed a large leather glove over her wrist. Dusk would carry a small bag containing the rings. Once this had been removed, the falconer would dangle a piece of raw chicken and off would fly Dusk.
We did have a rehearsal on the eve, and it went like clockwork.
We took precautions, though. On the day, in my pocket was an extra bag with rings, just in case, but Dusk seemed to enjoy herself and behaved impeccably!
As the falconer said, these are actually wild birds, so their behaviour cannot be guaranteed, but I would happily work with Dusk again.
Even though she did upstage me!
Venue
I do like the fact that people have the choice to personalise their wedding (or ceremony) in whatever way they wish. It doesn’t have to include animals, birds or children, of course. The type of venue may make the ceremony stand out sufficiently.
Rituals
There are some lovely rituals you can include that will make your wedding really different. A handfasting is just one example. Other possibilities include Unity Candles, a Sand Ceremony, the Loving Cup, and more. Your civil celebrant can explain these or suggest others.
Personalising the ceremony
Other ways of ensuring a tailor-made ceremony might encompass the choice of music and also readings. You can include the couple’s “story” or make use of selected participants (such as Blue!). Or even put in something unusual. Mid-ceremony, if the couple have drunk from the Loving Cup, everybody could be served some drink (if it can be done logistically) and then rise to drink a toast to the couple.
So there are many features you can incorporate or amend to make your big day really stand out. If you need ideas, your celebrant should be able to help you, but the important thing is to do what YOU want to do!
Photo: Matt Penberthy
by Michael | Apr 7, 2020 | Blog
I normally write about celebratory events and sometimes funerals. However, people are not able to marry (with guests present) at present and it hardly seems appropriate – or possible – to celebrate in the current conditions, anyway.
You have heard – and are still hearing – enough about funerals, so I prefer to give that a miss.
I fully understand that this is not a happy time for virtually anyone. I don’t need to point out the stress, the effects of isolation, unemployment, financial worries, ill health, bereavement so many of us are experiencing.
I have no intention to minimise all this. I just prefer to focus for a few minutes on the few advantages I can see:
Spring is evolving undeterred – birds are singing and beautiful flowers are emerging
I don’t have to commute!
The roads are empty (it’s quieter and there’s less pollution)
Family time (we’re coping with being together much more, and it’s actually not bad!)
People are looking out for others – there’s some heart-warming examples of helping others that I hope will carry through to “normal” times
I am still able to do some work, which focuses me admirably
I’m watching a few shows (on catch-up, say) that I wouldn’t otherwise have time for, some of which have been great!
I have received some lovely calls from concerned people I don’t usually think of contacting
I am (now!) in good health, and the family too.
I hope some of this chimes in with your circumstances. Maybe you’re thankful for other things too. I hope you can feel that, despite it all, there are things to be grateful for and that you can smile a bit too.
by Michael | Dec 16, 2019 | Blog
A lot of us are moving from standard, religious ceremonies towards personalised ones. This applies to funerals as much as to celebrations.
So you can
have a unique funeral service that is very different to what we may be used to.
But did you know that you can have a choice in what will happen in the funeral and what can be included in the service when it’s your turn to ‘pop your clogs’?
Most of us
tend not to think about our own death (and the British are very good at
avoiding the theme). If we do at all, how many of us inform our next-of-kin
what we do or do not want at our funeral?
I get it
that people put it off – “we won’t die for years, after all”. And “my family will
be able to sort out what happens”.
That’s fine,
if you don’t really care about your funeral service. After all, you probably
won’t be able to see what happens, anyway. Although we can’t be sure …
The controller
But what if
you do care? You could well have strong feelings about certain issues. You
may want to stipulate how much religion (if any) will be included in your
funeral. You may have favourite poems, readings or music to put in. You may
want to prepare a eulogy. (It can always be updated, if you live a long time, but
at least the frame will be there as a guide.) You may want to involve family or
friends. You might want a ritual (eg roses on the coffin).
Enabling this
If you want to go down that path, you would be advised to work with a civil celebrant. They know what is possible at a funeral, and can advise from wide experience. They are wordsmiths, and can put together the order of service, including the eulogy.
I am
certainly happy to pop over to a possible client and discuss their needs and
wants, write up a draft (like I normally do), and submit it for approval. (I
can also conduct the service on the day, if required, by arrangement.)
The client
is welcome to have family members or friends present at the discussion.
Practicalities
The down
side of a “living” funeral is that the client is not be able to insist that his
or her choices will be respected. There is no legal way of enforcing the stipulations.
The wishes
can be put into a will (although there is the risk that the will is not read in
time).
The best
solution, then, is to ensure that the relevant family members are on board and
in the loop. If they know about the choices and are in accord, then the odds
are that they will show respect when it comes to it.
The greatest advantage, probably, of a “living funeral”, is that when the time comes, there should be no conflict or extra stress for the next-of-kin. They have enough to contend with (not least, paperwork and grief – their own and that of others) without having to worry about doing the right thing for the deceased.
Just think about it. If the order of service has already been decided and drawn up, what a huge weight off the next-of-kin’s mind that will be!
For a chat
how this can work best, please feel free to contact Michael.
