As a celebrant, I bring people together in matrimony. Why shouldn’t I take an interest to what happens to their relationship afterwards?
Marriage is not easy. You have to work at it. Couples get stuck in a rut. They may feel that the other partner is treating them badly or unfairly. There may be contributory stresses (finance, work, a baby, moving house, the in-laws …).
It’s easy to get angry, feel let down and sorry for oneself. What is more difficult is to respond appropriately.
Playing the fault card will not solve the issue. Fixing it yourself may not be a long-term solution. Letting the problem continue or even worsen will lead to a deterioration.
So have a look at these approaches, and see which is likely to be yours.
Taking the Blame
You may be the submissive type (or have a stubborn partner) and find it easier to accept the blame for everything. Well, that way you avoid conflict.
Over time, your partner will get used to that and will not take responsibility for what they might be doing wrong. You may also get overruled in both trivial and important matters, and your self-esteem will suffer.
Allocating the Blame
“It’s all your fault” will lead to long-term bitterness (and self-esteem issues). As partners, you make up a team, and both should help each other when one of you is down and needing support.
Mr (or Mrs) Fix-it
The spouse that takes it upon themself to fix every issue may not be doing the favour that they think. They are actually suffocating their partner’s personal growth (and that can radiate out beyond the marriage). Dependency is not a healthy habit to acquire.
It also means there is an imbalance of power.
If you’re not bothered about resolving an issue, perhaps you shouldn’t be in a relationship at all! Instead of negativity, you can be cheering up your spouse, asking helpful questions and acting as a sounding-board. Offer support and they may be able to solve the problem they’ve created.
It’s easy to think that the fates are conspiring against you, when things go awry. If you believe you are powerless to affect things, you’ll wonder what’s the point in trying to struggle against fate.
Focussing on fears and negativity will depress your partner. You will also be unable to find solutions. You may even attract more of what brought you down in the first place.
If the partners listen to each other, they can clarify the issue, offer sympathy and support, and come up with solutions. They can cheer each other up and put the issue into perspective.
Doesn’t that sound like the marriage partner you should strive to be?
First things first, of course, if you’re looking for a bespoke wedding ceremony, then please contact me.
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