Nobody claims that putting together your bespoke ceremony is easy. It may come together beautifully, with the minimum of effort and stress, but that is not usually the rule.
However, certain difficulties can be foreseen and thus prepared for. Then they may not seem too daunting. The task can be managed.
In this blog I’d like to concentrate on two danger areas: money and parents. (I appreciate that other people may have other priorities, and I’d be happy to discuss these in a future blog.)
Money
You’ve got to be clear on the budget that is available to you, and settle on this before you go too far. You may need to compromise, if there are limitations to your choices.
You need to decide on the content of your service. How much religion will there be, if any? Do you want a broadly traditional ceremony? Could it be secular, but with a couple of religious elements included? Maybe you’d want a few rituals? Again, you may be able to settle on this with a minimum of give-and-take. Your celebrant can certainly advise and guide you.
Don’t go blithely over-spending. Keep within your budget. If, however, one supplier that you really want to use is a bit more expensive than you had in mind, you may be able to juggle. Find a way to save a bit of money (eg a daytime wedding, a cash bar, seasonal flowers, or whatever), so you can still accommodate your chosen professional.
Parents
You want your parents onside, especially if they are contributing towards your expenses. It’s nice to keep them happy too. But what happens if your desires and theirs are in conflict?
Before you go into battle, all guns blazing, it may be possible to have this out reasonably with them. What exactly are they asking for, and why? Would this be something you can accommodate? Is this something you could, maybe, dilute, but then incorporate? If the folk are demanding a religious service and that doesn’t appeal to you, could you have a basically spiritual service that includes, say, a few fairly generic prayers? Or what about asking the bride’s father (for example) to bless you both as part of the ceremony?
If it comes to it that nobody budges, then go your own way. Have what you want. It’s your big day, after all. What you wish for should be paramount. Just make sure you’ve tried to work through harmoniously, if you can.
Feel free to discuss this with your celebrant. I’d be delighted to hear from you!
Mixed-faith ceremonies do have the potential to become a minefield, if you are not careful. But relax! There are ways of ensuring that all goes well.
The right attitude is paramount. Disagreements may well arise, so accept that. What matters is how you confront and deal with them. It helps if you are certain in your mind what matters. It also helps if you can show patience, tolerance and are willing to compromise.
It should be pointed out, by the way, that my remarks apply to other ceremonies too, not least Vow Renewals and Namings.
Clarity
You will need to think deeply about your ceremony. Do you and your partner want religious elements? Why? Are you under pressure to include these, or are they your own choice? If including religious elements, how heavily-weighted should this be, and how equal the split?
You and your partner will need to be in broad agreement in these instances.
Compromise
Once you have clarity, you may need to seek a compromise. Remember that this is your day, so you should not be bullied into a position that does not sit comfortably with you. Just because your parents are bankrolling your affair doesn’t mean that your wishes are ignored or overruled.
This doesn’t mean that you have to take an entrenched position. You may be able to offer olive branches. For example, by way of religious element, your father might like to bless you both.
That could be very special for him and confine the religiosity so that everyone is happy.
Just don’t sweep a conflict under the carpet. It pays to resolve the issue before it festers.
Advice
Once, as a couple, you have agreed your vision, your celebrant may well be able to advise you how to carry it out. How much do you include, and what elements go best?
Other things to discuss would be what precisely to include, who (if anyone) participates actively in the service, the tone of the ceremony and how traditional it should be.
Remember, it’s ultimately your decision. Your ceremony can be mostly (or wholly) spiritual, traditional, light-hearted, or religious. It’s down to you, ultimately. I have helped a lot of couples through such issues, so please feel free to arrange a chat with me.
Emotions can run high at ceremonies. Not just at funerals, but also at celebrations. Weddings, fairly obviously, but also at namings, vow renewals – or at any public occasion.
But is it OK to cry in public? And does it make a difference at what sort of occasion you find yourself overcome? And does it make a difference who you are?
I think the brief answer to crying in public is “yes, go ahead”.
When I am preparing a funeral service with the family, they often refuse to participate actively in the service because they feel they won’t be able to hold it together. If they’re not sure, I always reassure them that I can take over from them, if it all gets too much.
But I also point out that it is a funeral. It’s fine and normal to show emotion at such a time. Nobody is going to think badly of you because you are crying at your relative’s or friend’s death.
Of course, if the thought of standing up at the funeral fills you with dread, then I respect that. There’s no gain from putting yourself through all that.
But you shouldn’t be put off just because you think you might cry a bit while you’re up there. And you certainly shouldn’t be unwilling to cry because you’re a “macho” male! It’s healthy for males to cry, so there’s nothing to be gained from appearing “hard”.
There tend to be tears at weddings too, although usually of a different type. It may be parents of the bride (or groom) who are “losing” their child. Most frequently, it’s the bride who breaks down (and the groom, on occasion). This happens most often when the couple have written their vows and are reading them out in public to their partner. This can be very emotional, and it can show!
I believe it’s even OK for me, the celebrant, to cry. I have done so when conducting the funeral of an uncle (understandable!). I also cried at a funeral for a suicide victim, who had left a message to be read out there and then. That wasn’t easy.
But I guess that it’s alright for me to cry too. But it wouldn’t be OK to be totally overcome and unable to lead the service!
So, I think the message is that it’s fine to cry – whoever you are. In fact, it’s healthy to do so.
If I can help out with an event – be it celebration or funeral – just let me know.
Rituals can add a spiritual dimension to a ceremony. They can also offer an interesting cultural element. And, simply enough, they are often beautiful in their own right.
There’s nothing to stop you incorporating rituals from other cultures, if you so desire.
Your celebrant will be able to make suggestions and advise you.
So you will probably need to look at religious or pagan ritual.
I have seen quite a few in my time. Some have been included as part of fairly woo-woo services, others in a fairly conventional ceremony.
There are lots to choose from, but, judging from the services where I have officiated, here is my top three.
Handfasting
You may choose a full handfasting, which can last quite a time. It’s nature-related and features beautiful blessings and prayers, but is definitely pagan.
At a lighter level, there is partial-handfasting, which can simply consist of a brief binding of wrists accompanied by some special words.
This is a major simplification of a historic ritual, one that dates from Celtic times. Your celebrant can go into greater detail, if you want.
Sand Ceremony
This is pagan too and is a lovely ceremony that can be performed in a variety of ways. It symbolises the joining together of two families.
The essence is that sand of one colour is poured into a receptacle by a member of one family; sand of another colour is poured into it by a member of the other family. Agan, the celebrant will accompany these acts with suitable words.
Loving Cup (Quaich)
This has links to Christianity and Judaism, but is not specific to either religion and is actually Celtic.
Wine (or whatever the couple choose) is poured into a goblet. The couple usually drink three toasts – to the past, present and future.
At two weddings where I officiated, the groom took charge of the bottle and poured out extremely generous portions for himself. The effects were soon obvious, but fortunately no harm was done!
Conclusion
This blog may have given you a flavour of what rituals can achieve for you. I’d certainly urge you to go into this more deeply and consider what a ritual or two may add to your ceremony.
Of course, you can always have a chat with me for further thoughts.
It goes without saying. If you’re holding a wedding, there will be guests.
Well, actually, I have conducted more than one ceremony where we were only three, so it’s actually not a given! Still, let’s ignore those exceptions for the purposes of this article!
We can assume that it’s great to be able to invite who you want, and great to be invited.
But is it always that straightforward?
Being a Guest
With the best will in the world, you may receive an invitation for a date that causes you issues. How easy – or worthwhile – will it be to juggle dates around to accommodate this wedding? Especially if you’re not particularly close to the engaged couple?
What if you have children, and they are not invited? Or what if you have a significant other who has been overlooked?
And it’s not unreasonable that money may be tight for you. You may find it hard to afford a lovely present, the expenditure on smart clothing, and travel costs, etc.
These are factors to be taken into account before you jump at the invitation.
Inviting your Guests
The thought of having all your favourite people together to celebrate your big day with you is most appealing. However, you must take into consideration your budget. How many people can you actually afford to invite? How do you choose who makes the cut? Do you introduce conditions, such as “no children”? Do you omit a “significant other”?
How inclusive do you make the occasion? Do you supply all food and drink, or organise a cash bar after a certain amount of hospitality?
You’re going to have to think about how you entertain your guests – they may have gone to quite some inconvenience to support you. What can you afford to offer that they will enjoy?
Guests are going to expect to buy you a present. Are you going to produce a Wedding List to guide them? How affordable will the items listed be?
Summing up
Of course, none of these potential problems may arise. You may know who you want to invite and be able to do so. They may be delighted to be asked and be very happy to attend. But the world doesn’t always move smoothly, so it’s as well to be aware of difficulties that may arise.
Most wedding services contain wedding vows recited by the couple. These may be traditional or novel.
The traditional ones will be of the “for better or for worse” type. The novel ones can be personal and unique (“I promise to walk the dog every day”), maybe with some humour.
The personalised ones require thought, of course. The traditional ones do not – but they can be sincere nonetheless, and they have stood the test of time.
Writing your own vows is not easy and, once your other half is engaged in it, becomes a commitment. You don’t want to let anybody down.
The fact that they are personal to you makes the vows unique. You may want to steer away from sentimentality, or that may suit you. You might want to throw in some humour, especially if your loved one has some idiosyncrasies! You might want to keep it short or you may have a lot to say,
The important thing is that you are sincere (and deliver your vows clearly).
But time passes. Maybe your vows are no longer valid? You may both have changed over time, both emotionally, psychologically and physically. Perhaps your family has increased.
Whatever the circumstances, you may want to rewrite your vows and announce them.
So, how can you do this?
The simplest way is to organise a Vow Renewal ceremony.
This doesn’t have to be a grand affair (although it can be). It certainly doesn’t have to be formal (again, it can be). It can be down in your own back garden, say, or in a manor house. The great thing is that it doesn’t have to be legally registered or performed under certain restrictions. You can organise the do that you choose in the venue of your choice.
The idea is to have a memorable and fun (though partly-serious) occasion.
The running of the ceremony can be in the hands of your Civil Celebrant. Together, you put together the service of your dreams. Your celebrant can advise you about religious content (if any), rituals and who can participate and how. You sort the guests and refreshments.
Oh, yes, and the wording of the vows!
Please speak to me about a Vow Renewal. It’s such a happy event!!
