Ghoulish Weddings

Not everybody wants a conventional wedding!

I’ve put together, and officiated at, a few unusual ceremonies – atop  an Iron Age fort, a handfasting at Stonehenge, a house blessing , a (colour) green-themed funeral… However, I have not had the pleasure of conducting a ghoulish ceremony!

Of course, with Halloween approaching, my thoughts have turned to things that go bump in the night, the Undead and nasties in general. How about incorporating these into a wedding, say?

Would anyone actually want to adopt a Halloween theme for the biggest day of their life, though?

 

Not everyone, no, but  evidently the answer is “yes”. It happens. Goth weddings are not uncommon. But why on earth (or under the earth?!) would you want to have a ghoulish theme?

A growing number of people nowadays don’t see a wedding as a solemn affair. They want to include humour (to reflect their own personality), their choice of music can be eclectic, to say the least. They want to choose their venue, and that might be quite way-out – under water, in a hot-air balloon, on a mountain top, wherever your imagination might take you.

A lot of people choose themes for their wedding. Often it’s Star Wars or Elvis. It can bring smiles to faces and is a peephole into the couple’s personalities. Why not extend it to the Dark Side, if that’s what turns the couple on?

The important thing to realise is that, when planning a wedding, you are not restricted to a religious church ceremony, say, if you don’t want it. You have a choice. If that choice is a little bit wacky, why shouldn’t it be? (I’ve also seen a bit of wackiness in funerals, so surely that is justified in happier occasions?)

So go with the flow, let your imagination be your guide (but check with your partner first!) and have a simply unforgettable ceremony!

Explaining the Inexplicable

Explaining the Inexplicable

People don’t really clock what a civil celebrant can do for them. It’s inexplicable to them.

Celebrants have been practising for well over 15 years in this country. Numbers are growing. There are now a variety of umbrella organisations (like the AOIC) , who do their best to publicise and support the profession.

Nonetheless, the majority of people have no idea, or, at best, only half an idea, how we might be able to benefit them.

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One of the best ways to spread the word is through face-to-face meetings. I regularly display at wedding fairs and even business shows. I don’t normally get any direct business, but I sow some seeds and, at least, educate people that there is a choice out there.

Better still, I show people the benefits when I get invited to conduct ceremonies. They are often amazed that my ceremony actually wasn’t as bad as they had expected. In fact, it might even have been rather good!

Another useful step is to publish testimonials from satisfied customers. This often reveals the service I can offer better than my words can! After all, the customer knows what they were expecting and wanting. They can evaluate and appreciate how it was achieved.

Here’s a brilliant example from a wedding I conducted (at quite short notice) just last week:

Michael conducted an absolutely incredible wedding ceremony for us. I have since lost count of the number of guests who have commented on how good he was and what a fantastic service he delivered. Many asked whether he was in fact a close friend of the family, because of the warmth and delivery of the service. Ahead of the ceremony we had several Skype calls to go through everything which worked really well. He even read out a welcome in both Swedish and German, for family who’d travelled from abroad. Above all he gave us total confidence in his attention to detail and great suggestions, that he’d be conducting the service the way that we had wanted it to be. It was extremely special and personal and the way he delivered it was perfect with just the right balance of formal (we couldn’t hold back the tears) and uplifting (where everyone was laughing out loud). We couldn’t recommend him more highly.

My belief is that, by reading something like that, you will get a better idea of how I can make your ceremony special rather than through any other method. (Do you agree?)

Be that as it may, I sincerely hope that you may be prepared to share this article and help to spread the word. A civil ceremony is not for everyone, but there are so many people who could benefit from a celebrant’s services (if only they knew they existed).

To sum up, celebrants offer true and free choice.

Maybe that’s not so inexplicable, after all!

 

Paradise on Earth

Paradise on Earth

I consider myself so lucky that I am doing a job I absolutely love. (Maybe “paradise” is a wee bit strong, though!)

Bonuses

As a civil celebrant, I am privileged to be taken into the confidence of people. Obviously, these are often people I might never even have met otherwise. They talk openly to me. Sometimes I learn things close members of the family or friends don’t know. I spend time with them and work closely with many. They are often fascinating and lovely people (although no two visits are ever the same!). And, of course, I am there at the front with them on the big day, facilitating their event and supporting them.

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It may surprise you that I bracket funerals and weddings (and other joyful occasions) together. However, in my work there are distinct similarities between them. I may have over a year to prepare a wedding (although I have been given as little as a few weeks!) A funeral normally has about a week’s incubation time.

In both cases, I need to visit/Skype the relevant people, ask the necessary questions, listen to them and their needs, send them drafts for approval, and create the ceremony that reflects their personalities and beliefs. But the time-frame is different.

Down side

There aren’t too many things I dislike about what I do, which is wonderful. However, I have refused two possible pieces of work.

In the first case, I was invited to quote for a naturist wedding. Since I believe in being as relaxed as possible on the day, as a priority is to put my clients at their ease, I felt it unwise to pursue this. Even as a professional public speaker, I think I might have felt too self-conscious!

Secondly, I was on an introductory Skype call with a certain Ashleigh in Essex. She was very sure what she wanted for her wedding. That’s fine – I am happy to share ideas and advice, but I am not offended if people go with a different vision. However, after a while I noticed a man in the background. I wondered if he could be the groom. Indeed, he was.

“Why don’t you invite Steve to join the call?” I asked.

This is what Ashleigh replied: “He’s having nothing to do with the wedding. He’ll just turn up on the day and do what I tell him to!”

I didn’t feel that there was much of a future working with Ashleigh!

My biggest regret

I do have a couple of regrets.

I missed out on a wedding between a delightful mixed-faith couple because one parent ruled that if the celebrant wasn’t ordained (which I am not), then she would boycott the wedding. (Sorry, whose wedding was it?!)

At one of my funerals, a particularly requested hymn was not played. Why not? Because the technician popped out briefly, and totally and utterly missed his cue! It something you can’t legislate for, but I felt we had let the family down.

I’ve always fancied a destination wedding ceremony. At last, I had an offer to conduct a (re-arranged) wedding in Ibiza. Sod’s Law prevailed because it now clashed with the only holiday I had booked for our family all year. I had to say “no”.

Achievement

What am I proud of?

Bringing joy, for one thing.

I’d like to think that my website testimonials page speaks eloquently. But at several funerals, I have been pleased to be told, “I don’t know if I should be saying this, but I really enjoyed it.”

I’m proud of serving people.

On one occasion, a daughter didn’t want a funeral for her, shall we say, “difficult” father. I suggested that she should do as she felt fit. I implied that it might be worth going through with it. She wouldn’t be able to turn back the clock later, if she regretted having opposed it now. In the event, she agreed to it and was able to release much emotion. Her gratitude afterwards was very moving and also satisfying.

Oh, I do have one more regret: I only wish I had found out sooner about my path to paradise!

 

Introvert Weddings

On your wedding day, you can’t avoid being the centre of attention. That’s as it should be, of course, but for an introvert, it can make life very difficult indeed.

An introvert prefers remaining in the background, doesn’t relish small talk and likes the quiet. None of these are staple constituents of the average wedding!

Of course, your celebrant will help you through it, but are there some strategies you can employ to reduce the stress?

Easing the Pressure

Let’s start at the planning stage.

You don’t have to have a huge, ostentatious affair. Why not arrange a sunset ceremony on a beach, or even a gathering in a back garden? A small occasion can often be thoroughly memorable and enjoyable, so don’t feel you can’t opt for a more modest event.

Try and keep fellow-planners to a minimum (well-meaning as others may be) . Sure, you’ll need advice, but it’s your day. Too many voices will just cause you needless stress.

Rehearsing

If you’re going for a bigger bash, an idea is to go to the venue beforehand with your partner. Whether it’s a church or a hotel (say), just walk down the aisle together and get a feel for what it will be like. You’ll be surprised how helpful that can be.

A Prequel

Odd as it may seem, a lunch or dinner the day before with a number of family members and/or friends will help. If they can chat with you then, it will reduce the pressure on the big day, as there’ll then be fewer people demanding your attention.

Attendants

Bridesmaids and the like entail dresses, hairdressing, delegated jobs, etc., and that can be stressful.

It may be easier to reduce the number of these. That will reduce the tension beforehand, and fewer attendants will mean it will be a bit more peaceful in your retreat just before the off.

Ensure that the attendants you choose will field requests, make introductions and organise people on the day (which might otherwise prove overwhelming for you). (Of course, a wedding planner/co-ordinator can do this job too.)

On the Day

If your partner is an extrovert, ask him/her to take the limelight, making small-talk and thanking everyone for coming.

Escape

As you crave quiet, maybe you can schedule some time away from the whirl and have a little quiet time to recharge your batteries. Maybe it’s just a few minutes in the powder room, or perhaps you and your beloved have a room in the venue and you can ‘take five’ there.

If you allow yourself to recover, you will get through the day more easily.

The reception

A nice idea is for the newly-weds to be seated at a table with their attendants (and partners), rather than on a ‘top table’, where they are inevitably the centre of attention.

Rest

The day before the wedding, you should allow serious downtime for pampering, so that you are at your best for the day. Also consider deferring the honeymoon a while. Ideally, go a couple of days after your wedding, as you’ll want to recover, so you can get the most out of your trip. You’ll be surprised how much the nervous energy etc. will drain you.

Conclusion

Remember that your wedding will (presumably!) be a one-off occasion – perhaps the only time you’ll have so many family and friends from both sides together. People will be on your side, surrounding you with love and goodwill. Don’t fight it, but allow yourself to absorb the atmosphere and revel in it.

It may well turn out to be a lot easier and more wonderful than you expected.

 

 

Leap Year Proposals

We’re a few days away from Leap Year. I wonder how many ladies are planning leap year proposals?

It is thought that this tradition harks back to the days when the leap year day was not recognised under English law. As it had no legal status, it was considered acceptable to break with the convention that it should be the man doing the proposing.

This custom is quite wide-spread and encompasses Scandinavia as well as Great Britain. However, in Greece they have a variation on the theme – they believe that a leap year marriage is likely to end in divorce.

 

In Denmark the day in question for a woman to propose to the man is the 24th, not the 29th, February (supposedly, this goes back to the time of the Ancient Romans, but that’s all I have found out!). If the man rejects the proposal, he is meant to give the jilted lady twelve pairs of gloves! Why twelve, I wonder?! (Another mystery!)

In Finland they also have a forfeit: the man is bound to supply enough fabric for his rejected lady to make a skirt.

In Ireland, a man refusing the lady on leap year day has to give her a silk gown. Apparently, the custom originated in the fifth century. A nun, St Brigid of Kildare, heard complaints that men were too shy to propose. She asked St Patrick to give permission for females to do the proposing. Initially, he allowed it once every seven years, but later relented, and allowed proposals every leap year day.

In Scotland, the unmarried Queen Margaret supposedly passed a law in 1288 to allow women to propose on leap year day. They did have to wear a red petticoat by way of alerting the men, though!

But why is February such a short month (even if it’s a bit longer this year)?

Roman months originally had 29, 30 or 31 days, but when Augustus became emperor, he felt aggrieved that his month only had 29 days, whereas July (Julius Caesar’s month) had 31 days. He stole two days from February to bring August up to 31. You can do things like that, if you’re Emperor!

Finally, a prayer has been composed by the Archdeacon of Norwich, the Venerable Jan McFarlane, for people planning a leap year marriage proposal:

“God of love, please bless N and N as they prepare for the commitment of marriage. May the plans for the wedding not overtake the more important preparation for their lifetime together. Please bless their family and friends as they prepare for this special day and may your blessing be upon them now and always. Amen.”