The Dreaded Wedding Guest-List

The Dreaded Wedding Guest-List

One of the major flashpoints, when planning a wedding, is the guest-list. The potential for disagreement is enormous, and it’s as well to be prepared for it.

It’s actually possible to get past it quite successfully, but it may take a bit of give and take first.

Starting off

It helps to establish a few parameters before you get into it big-time. 

  1. Who is paying for the affair?
  2. What is the wedding budget, and how much will be set aside for the reception?
  3. Who do you have to invite?
  4. Who would you like to invite?

The Sponsor

Once you have a clear idea how much the reception will set you back, you have to do the maths. If you invite 100 guests, how much will that cost per head? Do you have that amount available? If not, you’ll have to adjust.

So let’s say that your supplier quotes you £50 per head for the meal and you have allocated £2,000 here. That would mean that you can invite 40 people. If your budget was £1,800, then you can only afford 36. (Does that 36 include the bridal couple?)

It’s very important to do these sums before you speak to the person who is bankrolling the affair. (Of course, it might be the couple themselves.)

The Guests

You may be fortunate in that the budget is virtually limitless, and there will be no restrictions on who you invite. (Some chance!) More likely, compromise will be needed.

Obviously, if somebody is sponsoring the event for you, you will need to work together with them. They will understand that there are people that you particularly want to invite, but there may be some that they insist on.

This is where calm discussion is so important. You don’t want to fall out about it, but the couple’s wishes should not be trodden underfoot by a domineering mother (say).

If you’re doing everything yourself, you should not forget to invite a few of your parents’ cronies too (if the budget permits), so that they don’t feel left out on the day.

A normal rule of thumb is that, as a minimum, close family (it’s down to you to define that – not me!) should be invited, plus a few family friends. Then you can look at who you would like to invite out of choice.

You will also have to decide whether you are inviting plus ones or offspring. (If you invite children, you will have to take into consideration feeding and entertaining them.) Can you be consistent about this, as people do talk (“Did you get an invite to X and Y’s wedding?”).

Do you invite work colleagues? Your boss? How do you invite one colleague but not another without causing offence?

So, you see, the guest-list is a bit of a minefield.

Answers

I can’t necessarily give definitive answers, as every case will be different. However, I can suggest that clarity is important before you start. Also flexibility. For example, if you’re struggling to invite everyone that you want, can you manage it by saving some money elsewhere? Maybe you can get the venue at a cheaper price. Try holding your wedding midweek, when it’s quieter, or in the afternoon.

Give-and-take is going to be paramount. So start the process early – as soon as you know what your major outgoings (venue, wedding dress and reception) are likely to be. Do your sums. Go into discussions positively and prepared to budge a bit where you can. If you are not paying for everything yourselves, decide what your ideal would be and present a united front.

And check through, before invitations are sent out, that you haven’t forgotten somebody important! (It does happen – I know, to my cost!!)

Although this is a potential area of concern, if you follow these tips, you should manage fine. Then the next thing to ‘look forward to’ will be deciding who sits where!

For any more help, please contact me!

Who does What at a Wedding?

Who does What at a Wedding?

Weddings are not what they were. That doesn’t mean that they are better or worse (whatever that means) than traditional ones. It just means that there is more flexibility, and it is therefore more difficult for me to be categorical.

One couple may have ideas who they want to participate in their event; another couple will have completely different opinions.

Without being prescriptive, therefore, let me make a stab at defining the roles that some people might play.

Bride and Groom

This is rather more obvious!

The groom will probably have a chance to welcome people as they arrive, so should not neglect this duty – despite probably suffering with “butterflies”. He may well have a few words to utter during the ceremony, but a lot more afterwards, if there is a reception with speeches.

The speech should thank both sets of relations and thank anybody who financed the wedding. However, he should mostly be complimentary about his new wife!

The bride will be the star of the show, of course, and her main task is to be resplendent.

Either during canapes (if offered) or during the meal, both bride and groom should make an attempt to see everybody and thank them personally for attending.

As well as the groom, the bride may (or may not) have a speech to deliver.

Both may well be expected to have at least the first dance together.

Bride’s Father

The bride’s parents may well be footing the bill for (or at least be contributing to) the proceedings.

It is customary for the bride’s father to welcome the guests briefly at the start of the reception and express what (we hope!) is his delight at the proceedings.

Best Man

I realise that there are “best women” too these days, but, for the sake of simplicity, I will refer here only to the male variety.

The Best Man may have been involved with the preparations for some time, but, on the day, he will be the person who liaises between the couple and the suppliers. He should help keep the groom calm. He may have to do a favour for the groom (fetch some water, check there’s a microphone functioning, inform the musicians that it’s time for the entry music, or whatever).

The Best Man may also serve as a toastmaster (“please go outside for the photographs now” etc.).

His main public role is probably to deliver his speech at the reception. This can be about 10 minutes long, and, although it will presumably focus on the groom, should not be exclusive. (Half the guests may well not know the groom.)

The speech should be humorous (but not crude or controversial) and, while poking some fun at the groom, should not be cruel.

Other roles

Flower-girls, bridesmaids, ushers (or groomsmen) and so on may well be included.  The first two are primarily part of the procession (in and, sometimes, out), and, to quite an extent are there to look pretty and enhance the bride’s appearance. They may help with the bride’s train. Ideally, they also need to be able to walk very slowly!

The ushers may be quite active (collecting gifts, for example, or doing errands and tasks on the day). They may direct guests to their places and be on hand to answer questions.  

Or they might get away with an ornamental role!

How much or how little the roles matter nowadays is down to how traditional the wedding will be. It’s certainly good to honour friends and/or relatives by including them in your ceremony. Just make sure they know what is expected of them!

You can always have a chat with your celebrant, if you’re not sure how to go about things.

First steps of Wedding Planning

So you’ve recently got engaged? Congratulations! How did your family react to the news? Are you on ‘cloud nine’?

Maybe you’ve kept your feet on the ground. You may feel ready to start planning your wedding. However, you may have no real idea where to begin.

So let’s look at how you might set off on your journey.

Initial Steps

Naturally, each couple will do things their own way, so I can’t be prescriptive. However, these are issues you’ll need to look at very early on:

  1. How are you going to arrange things? Will you hire a wedding planner, will a friend or relative take this over, or will it be down to you?
  2. Decide on your budget. Make a list of suppliers you may need and guests you are likely to invite.
  3. Choose a date. There’s lots to bear in mind. You may have a particular date in mind (a year on from your engagement; your late grandmother’s birthday, for example). But the date may be a Bank Holiday, so it can be more expensive to hire suppliers. It may be the wrong day of the week (some days are more expensive than others)

First suppliers

Assuming you know the month (if not, day) of the wedding, the most important people to contact next are:

  1. The Register Office
  2. The wedding venue
  3. Caterers

The Register Office will need at least a month’s notice (because of the banns) and you need to book the registrars. (You can either go into the Office with two witnesses or the registrars will come to your venue – subject to certain conditions.)

The wedding venue can be a religious building (Anglicans, Jews and Quakers can currently host the whole ceremony (without the need actively to involve the registrars). If your ceremony is in a secular building (a restaurant, hotel, castle etc.), the registrars may come out, or their officiant can be a civil celebrant.

You usually have to book popular venues at least a year in advance.

Likewise with some caterers. So do your homework, and don’t leave it too late to book these particular suppliers.

The second raft

You may need to book the entertainment quite early. The same may apply to other suppliers – you can be looking at photographers, florists, celebrants, as well as limousines, hair and make-up artists, dress and suit-makers, and the like.

So that should be enough to set you on your way.

A great guide (OK, I wrote it!) is “Your Wedding Guide”, available on Amazon. It takes you right through this process in much more detail – and  is very reasonably priced!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Wedding-Guide-Helping-Minefield/dp/1508444862/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Your+Wedding+Guide+Michael+Gordon&qid=1561732461&s=books&sr=1-1

Image: Robin Higgins, Pixabay

So who has to pay for the wedding?

So who has to pay for the wedding?

This used to be an easy question to answer. Traditionally, it was down to the bride’s parents to pay for the wedding. End of story. All to do with historic dowries, and the bride paying for the privilege of finding a husband. Whatever the reason, this tradition is still with us to this day.

However, the groom’s parents often accept that that is unfair. It’s undeniable: weddings cost a lot. Perhaps financial reasons will hamper the bride’s parents from putting on a fitting ceremony. Then, of course, the groom’s parents may simply want to pay their share of the ceremony. After all, it involves their son just as much as it involves the bride.

A relatively new element needs to be taken into consideration. That is the marital couple themselves wanting to pay for or, at least, contribute to, their wedding. A lot of people marry later these days. That often means that the couple have been able to save up and can now afford to be (at least) part of the financial equation.

One huge consideration about who pays for the wedding is control. After all, if somebody is forking out several thousand pounds on your behalf, you are likely to feel indebted to them. That means that they are in the driving seat. They can have the final say on the type of celebration that you will have. They can certainly have major input on thorny issues such as how many guests to invite – and who these might be.

The recipients have to show tolerance and patience. They may be lucky: their wishes may be taken into consideration and the sponsors may remember that the ceremony is actually for the couple, rather than for them. Then there can be parents, who virtually hold the couple to ransom – “if you don’t do exactly what we want, the money dries up!” In my experience, this really can happen, although it is not the rule.

In most cases, compromise wins the day. But it worth clarifying expectations (on both sides) before the process actually begins.

If a visit to parents from a civil celebrant could be useful, Michael would be happy to help out.

When can I get married?

When can I get married?

Apparently, one of the first concerns of a couple is when they can get married.

By that I mean what day of the week or season they can marry in this country. Not the legal age for marriage.

Full religious

And let’s leave full religious weddings out of the mix. Just to say that Christian weddings will usually not take place on Sundays or Jewish ones on Saturdays. They may be possible on certain festivals, and not on others. Better not to get into all that!

Suffice it to say that your best bet is to approach your minister individually!

Register Office

If you’re solely marrying at a Register Office, you must make an appointment. The two of you need to go down, along with two witnesses, for the ceremony. This will normally be on a working day (except on a Bank Holiday).

By arrangement, the registrars will come out to certain venues, provided certain criteria are met and extra fees are paid. This will often include weekends.

Such weddings have to take place between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m.

Alternative Ceremonies

Any other ceremonies can be held at your discretion. If you are using a venue (such as a hotel, castle, stone circle), as long as you meet the venue’s conditions and you pay them (and any other suppliers, not least, the civil celebrant!), you have free choice. 

You will find that a public holiday will be a more expensive time for you, because staff have to be paid extra. You may also find that certain holidays can cause problems with guests. You could theoretically hold your wedding on Christmas Day, but that would create a dilemma for many potential attendees, especially families. It might also be difficult for venues to recruit staff then, or for suppliers to come, as there would be no public transport. You might lose out big time!

If booking during the summer holidays, give guests plenty of notice (before they book their holidays!).

Because Summer is a popular time for weddings, prices can be higher than at unfashionable times. Similarly, if you book your event for morning or afternoon, you may be able to get your venue to budge on their price.

Avoid Valentine’s Day too, if you want to cut costs.

Finally, returning to the day of the wedding, Friday and, in particular, Saturday tend to be dearest. Wednesdays, say, may be cheaper, but, if it was a destination wedding, people would have to take a lot of time off work.

Summing up

There is considerable flexibility (if you do your homework). It is a fallacy that you have to marry at the weekend, although that remains the most popular time.

Take into consideration the issues mentioned above, but feel free to make your own decision. Your big day must be when you want it!