Thumbs up for the Tower of Babel!

Thumbs up for the Tower of Babel!

When I first became a celebrant (some 8 years ago, as I write), I thought it would all be quite simple. I’d meet the client, find out what they were looking for, send them a few draft emails, and then conduct the ceremony on the day at their chosen venue.

That’s the process in a nutshell.

An Embarrassing Moment

Over the years, however, I’ve been asked for more than I had bargained for. One example was the funeral for someone known to everybody as “Greenie”. The family asked me to wear something green, when officiating. Everybody else would be.

I was happy to comply.

On the day, there must have been a change of plan not communicated to me, but I was the only person wearing green!

Languages

I had never thought that linguistic skills would be an asset as a celebrant. But on several occasions, I’ve been asked to read Hebrew blessings (I can – with practice – manage this), which was great.

I had prepared an English Vow Renewal service for a French-Canadian couple. I had been assured that they both spoke fluent English, and their emails bore this out. However, although the wife did indeed speak and understand perfectly, it became clear that the husband had little understanding of what was going on. I had to improvise and translate the main bits for him as we went along. It was much appreciated, but quite a challenge!

Another time, I was invited to read a paragraph of Russian. Fortunately, my Modern Languages degree covered this, but the bride made me record a reading and sent it off to her parents in Russia, before I could be approved!

This had an unexpected benefit, as another Russian native, who was a guest, liked what I did and booked me for his wedding!

I have been invited to write and conduct a wedding in Italian, which is quite challenging, as I never learnt Italian grammar, although I can manage a passable accent when reading. Google Translate is an aid, but is fallible, so I need quite a lot of input from the couple. Still, linguistic skills are continually proving to be quite a boon.

Finally, the Swedish I read at one wedding comes to mind. I have no knowledge of Swedish (I think “tak” means “thank you”, but that’s the limit of my expertise). However, even though all the guests from Sweden were probably English-speakers, the groom wrote a welcome paragraph of Swedish for me, and coached me over the phone so that it sounded recognisable! It went down a treat, by the way.

All I want now, to complete my “full house”, are ceremonies in German and (possibly) Czech!

I’m waiting!

Paying for a Civil Celebrant

Paying for a Civil Celebrant

People sometimes think the civil celebrant cost for a ceremony is not justified. Uncle John can do that just as well – and for free!

But will Uncle John be able to put together – let alone present – a ceremony that is memorable (for the right reasons)? Does he have the writing and presentation skills, for example?

A lot of people think that all a civil celebrant has to do is to rock up at the ‘gig’ and deliver a few well-chosen words and then go home. Money for old rope, as they say.

However, it’s actually a lot more than that for me.

The ideal

My mission is to cultivate a relationship between myself and the client. I want them to trust me and feel there’s rapport. That’s especially important if I’m going to be conducting their ceremony on the most important day of their lives!

I make it my goal when we meet to ask the right questions and actually listen to the responses. Then I can understand the clients’ vision and be in a position to help them realise it.

I compile a ceremony that reflects their personalities and beliefs and which is everything they want.

I take pride in conducting an impeccable ceremony.

Finally, I appreciate that I am privileged to be part of the couple’s excitement and joy.

How do I achieve that?

Firstly, cultivating a close relationship takes time, as well as patience and tact. (I do not end up working with every person who enquires about my services.)

I don’t assume I know the clients’ wishes better than they do. I will advise them, if I feel, from my considerable experience, that something might, or might not, work; however, it is their big day, and I never forget that.

I am happy to give advice, if the clients are unsure what to do. The goal is to draw up a unique, personalised ceremony that fulfils the clients’ dreams.

Either way, we normally exchange drafts until the clients are happy with every word.

I always bear in mind that it’s not about me, but the clients. I present clearly and beautifully. I won’t accept second best.

The bottom line

I trained both as a funeral celebrant and as a celebratory celebrant, and that training was not cheap.

I have considerable experience – I graduated as a celebrant in late 2012 and have now conducted over 150 ceremonies (including weddings (same-sex and heterosexual), vow renewals, handfastings, namings and funerals). It’s difficult to put a price on such experience.

My many testimonials demonstrate that I am professional but friendly, and focussed on achieving my clients’ goals.

On the day, I will normally arrive an hour early. I check everything is in place at the venue and reassure the groom! I am a calming influence at a frenetic time.

When I conduct the ceremony, I use my considerable presentation skills. I foster a warm atmosphere and make the guests feel included too. Such skills come at a price.

All this is why I charge a fee. if you try me, I hope you’ll agree that I do earn it!

Ceremony Legalities

Ceremony Legalities

Yum! You’ll be licking your lips at the prospect of this blog, after reading the title!

Well, I’ll try and keep it light, but it’s an important area.

As far as legal registration is concerned, we’re only talking about births, deaths and weddings. You don’t need any paperwork to celebrate a Vow Renewal or handfasting.

With births, the registration is almost always done at the hospital (although I realise that not everybody has their baby there). For deaths, the doctor (either at home or, again, at the hospital) usually provides the death certificate, and you take it to the local Register Office.

With weddings it’s a little more complex.

Religious weddings

If the wedding is conducted in an Anglican church or synagogue, or according to the Quaker service, then there is normally a member of the church (etc.) present who is a registrar. They will ensure the legalities are carried out.

If you’re having a marriage anywhere else, then things are different. That’s where it gets more complicated!

Register Office

You need to register your intention to marry at least 28 days in advance. Then you go to the Register Office (by appointment) with two witnesses, and can get legally married. The ceremony will be totally secular and fairly standardised (so next-to-nothing to differentiate one service from the next).

You don’t necessarily have to go to the Register Office. Legislation is going to change, but for now, provided the wedding venue has four solid walls and a roof (basically), the registrars can come out to the venue and conduct the wedding for you there. (This will cost several hundred pounds more than attending the Register Office.)

Another alternative

You can have a civil celebrant-led ceremony. This may allow you a religious (or partially-religious) or a secular ceremony – but the choice is ultimately yours. The big thing – setting this option out from the other two – is that you can have the ceremony of your dreams. Why? Because the celebrant should work with you in advance to respect and enable your vision. It’s all about personalising, rather than following a standard rubric. That means your ceremony will be unique, and can reflect your personalities and beliefs.

The downside is that (again, there is new legislation in the air for England & Wales) currently a civil celebrant’s ceremony has no legal validity. So you still have to have the Registrar-led ceremony (either in their office or at your chosen venue, if it’s suitable) in addition.

Either way, once you’re legally married, you can have the dream ceremony, conducted by the celebrant, afterwards. To all intents and purposes, that will be your real wedding!

Hopefully, not so painful, was it? But if you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

Photo: Matt Penberthy

Fame at Last!

Fame at Last!

I was recently interviewed by a newspaper reporter. Fame at last, I hear you say! However, she was a trainee, and was merely getting in some practice!

However, she asked three questions in particular which seemed worth repeating, so I’ll answer them again in today’s blog.

What is a civil celebrant?

A civil celebrant works with the client to create a totally personalised ceremony, which they then conduct. This could be a wedding, vow renewal, handfasting, naming ceremony, or whatever is required.

Depending on the type of celebrant, the ceremony can be religious, part-religious or non-religious.

The celebrant is not normally obliged to produce a standard ceremony. It can be personalised and, thus, unique.

Note that a celebrant-led wedding does not have legal validity in England & Wales (at present), so registrars are still required.

Why are civil ceremonies becoming increasingly popular?

Probably because not everyone wants a full religious service. At the other extreme, a Register Office ceremony is fairly standardised and, of course, completely secular.

For those who want a hint of religion only, what the civil celebrant offers is ideal.

There are some (Catholic divorcees, for example) who might welcome a full religious service and are denied it by the Church, so they can go to a (non-humanist) civil celebrant.

Others are happy with a secular ceremony, but want something unique (which the Register Office doesn’t offer).

Tell us about some of your unique experiences and ceremonies

I’ve conducted over 150 ceremonies, and most stick in the mind (usually for good!).

I think two ceremonies are particularly memorable, though.

Firstly, I conducted a September wedding in Cyprus. This involved me reading a couple of paragraphs in Russian (I have a Modern Languages degree, so this wasn’t the hardship it may appear!). The venue was a 5-star hotel, full of flowers, overlooking the sea. A ravishing setting.

However, I also remember the bride. It is understandable that she wanted perfection on her big day, but she came across – at least! – as OCD. Before she employed me, she interviewed me (and sent her parents a recording of me reading Russian). She consistently made unreasonable demands on her groom, humiliating him even in front of suppliers. (If I had been him, I wouldn’t have married her!)

However, she came up smelling of roses on the day, and it was a fabulous event.

My other favourite was a contrasting occasion. This was also in the open air, much lower-budget, during a very wet January near Salisbury (Old Sarum). The groom was half-Jewish and the bride pagan, and elements of both religions were combined in the service.

Apart from the setting and the intrinsic interest of the mixed-faith rituals, the weather was notable. The night before, I had driven through torrential rain for a couple of hours to reach my hotel. When I drove back after the ceremony, I had to pass through a severe thunderstorm.

On the morning itself, I arrived early to set up. Unfortunately, the couple were marrying at the Register Office in Salisbury and got caught in a terrible traffic jam, delaying them the best part of an hour. I therefore had to stay on the hilltop for a couple of hours unprotected, at the mercy of the elements. Amazingly, it was quite mild and even stayed dry!

After my moment in the spotlight, I guess it’s just a matter of time before that call comes in from “The Times”!

Ever considered a Vow Renewal?

Ever considered a Vow Renewal?

There’s a convincing case for celebrating a wedding anniversary with a Vow Renewal. In fact, I can suggest a number of good reasons.

  • You’re approaching your first anniversary – or a year that ends in 5 or 0. That’s an achievement that deserves to be marked!
  • You simply want publicly to demonstrate your affection and the strength of your relationship
  • Your circumstances have changed since your marriage – maybe you have children now. You may even want them to be involved in the ceremony
  • Perhaps your wedding was small or, for whatever reason, a bit of a disappointment
  • Maybe your circle of friends and relatives have changed, and you want the new ones to be part of your big event
  • Your relationship might have successfully come through hard times (illness, finance, etc.) and you want to mark that
  • You might simply welcome the excuse to throw a special party

Why go to the trouble?

A terribly bad reason – but valid, nonetheless – probably suits men, rather than women. Maybe you’re coming round to a big anniversary. You might be looking around for a present for your spouse, but you don’t know what to do. You could go for a Vow Renewal! The gesture could well be a very welcome surprise, even if secrecy can probably not be maintained very long.

What would it entail?

One thing it would NOT entail is repeating all the arrangements for your wedding. This time it is all about free choice.

  • You don’t have to go through any legal formalities
  • You can have the ceremony of your choice – no need to be restricted to full religious or secular Register Office ceremony. There’s no fixed, standard ceremony that you have to follow. It can be quite informal, if you want. Speak to a civil celebrant for ideas.
  • You may decide to rewrite your vows. They may no longer be relevant to you now. Your civil celebrant will be able to help you with this.
  • The budget is down to you. This means that you are not reliant on your parents (and dependent on their wishes and choices). You can decide how much you are prepared to spend and keep it at that. You can decide on what (if any) entertainment will be on offer.
  • The venue is entirely your choice. You can be quirky and allow your personalities to shine through! The world is (more or less!) your oyster!
  • Most importantly, the guest list is down to you! No battles or squabbles this time!

A vow renewal is a joyous, beautiful occasion. You can make of it what you will, but you will always have your civil celebrant to advise, guide and even inspire you.

What an opportunity!

 

Main photo: www.mckinley_rodgers.com