Wedding Planning: Getting the Balance Right

Wedding Planning: Getting the Balance Right

Wedding planning is a very delicate balancing act. First and foremost, bride and groom must see eye-to-eye. Secondly, other people may well be involved, and their feelings and opinions may not correspond to the couple’s.

Bride and Groom

Usually – and I know this is a terrible stereotype! – the groom doesn’t pay much attention to the organisational details of the wedding. I know some do play their part wonderfully. However, the majority, in my experience, would like no more than some kind of idea what the bride is planning. Just to rubber-stamp it.

Even in these circumstances, bride and groom need to co-operate to some extent. The groom may not be bothered about the menu (although that’s something he might well take an interest in), but may care passionately about the guest list. They need to discuss this (amicably). They should both agree on the venue and officiant.

So my best advice here is to play an open game. By that I mean that the groom should be able to participate in the planning, if he likes. The bride should offer to let him know what she is planning (but spare him the bridesmaids’ dresses, I’d say!).

Wedding Party

Of course, others are involved too, whether as bridesmaid, flower-girl, usher, Best Man, parent, and so on. How much notice should be paid to their views?

The bottom line is that the wedding is the couple’s affair, so whatever they want ought carry the day. Even if someone else is bankrolling the affair, it is still the couple’s big day.

However, if they are expecting others to contribute (whether financially or as an active participant), there may need to be some give and take. Nobody should be forced to go against their wishes or take on a role they don’t relish at all.

Compromise is the order of the day. Maybe somebody who might otherwise be overlooked could read a poem, say. Perhaps a moody youngster can be encouraged to look after the wedding presents. Possibly, a bridesmaid, sulky about the dress she is forced to wear, can be given a bunch of flowers.

Ordinarily, the families are willing – and able – to reach a balance, and a wonderful day is had by all.

If you have any thoughts or questions arising from this, feel free to contact me.

How can you Trust a Celebrant?

How can you Trust a Celebrant?

When I was training to become a civil celebrant, my group was asked why we had chosen this career path. I vividly remember one lady’s reason. When her father died, the family engaged a celebrant. He was so awful that she determined to study and strive for excellence in order to improve other families’ chances of hiring a decent celebrant.

I have heard one or two (but not many!) tales of incompetent celebrants, so I do believe that there are some out there. I did attend a funeral where the rabbi (just excusable, I think, because he is dyspraxic) regularly referred to the deceased by entirely the wrong name. Nonetheless, not good.

The problem

The fact remains that the training of celebrants is unregulated. You can obtain an NVQ nowadays (it didn’t exist when I trained), but many celebrants are trained by other celebrants. Standards, in truth, can vary.

Alternatively, but they are not cheap, Associations offer training, which does tend to be thorough and practical. The point is, though, that anybody can set themselves up as a celebrant.

So what can you do to ensure that, when you want a celebrant, you get a decent, professional one?

Funeral Celebrant

When it comes to funerals, most people go to a Funeral Director (FD). The FD will usually offer a full religious service (the Church) or secular (either Humanist or Civil Celebrant). They will normally have a panel of officiants and recommend somebody. You meet the officiant and decide whether or not to work with them.

Sometimes people choose a celebrant via the website. I myself have a funeral website, but I hardly do anything with it. In truth, it’s mainly for a desperate FD, who is looking for a last-minute replacement celebrant. I have also been found that way, though, by a member of the public.

Wedding Celebrant

A wedding celebrant is harder to choose bcause it’s largely down to you. As ever, it pays to do some research.

Ideally, you will have seen a celebrant in action and liked what they do. Or you know somebody who has seen them at work.

Failing that, you will probably find them from their website (looking at page 1 or 2 of Google). If you’re impressed (and testimonials are often worth studying, as are blogs), you should arrange to meet with or, at least, speak with them. Make appointments with two or three. Come prepared with questions, and you can compare your impressions of them afterwards.

What to look out for

Were they friendly? Could they answer your questions satisfactorily? Were they professional and reliable? Do they seem willing actually to listen to your ideas and input? Were they articulate? How about their presentation skills? Are they experienced? And, crucially, are they someone you would like to have beside you on the biggest day of your life?

Your budget needs to be respected, of course, but price should only come into it, after the above questions have been settled.

I may be a tad biased, but I’d be happy to help, if you wanted to discuss this further!

Ceremonies and Humour

Ceremonies and Humour

People often ask me if they can include something humorous in a ceremony. “What will people think?” they ask.

Of course, the answer depends on what expectations and intentions they may have. What effect are they looking for?

Initially, my response is “yes”. “Certainly”, if it’s a wedding and “with care”, if it’s a funeral.

The traditional response

How traditional do you want your ceremony to be? If that’s your chosen path, then don’t expect much hilarity from the full Church service.

I officiated at one (secular but traditional) high society wedding, where the family were very keen that all appearances were correct and that guests would have no grounds to find fault with any part of the service.

Actually, I wondered whether it would mean more to the guests to witness a moving, sincere ceremony, rather than a fabulous spectacle. And if it entertained a bit, thanks to a touch of humour, all the better!

An alternative approach

At my “usual” weddings, however, (often, part-religious or secular), there is scope for personalising the ceremony. Normally, I advocate including some “serious” elements but also a few lighter moments. The ring blessing and vows, say, could be earnest – but the vows might include some humorous promises (based on personal idiosyncrasies of one of the couple).

I like to put in the couple’s story, where possible. This frequently offers scope for humour.

Humour in funerals

As I have implied, humour is more likely to be expected – and accepted – at a celebratory event.

However, although funerals should offer the opportunity to grieve, I believe they should also be a celebration of life and therefore should not exclude well-placed and tasteful humour.

Ad-libbing requires great care. A funeral will almost never be the place to be controversial or crude.

The best place for humour is in the eulogy or personal tribute. If the deceased had a special saying, favourite joke or some unique characteristic, reference to that will be appreciated by most who knew them. I loved the lady, who would go ballistic whenever Philip Schofield appeared on TV. When I referred to this, everybody – especially, the family – recognised, appreciated and enjoyed it!

If that’s appropriate for the deceased, why not have it?!

There’s nothing – in theory – to stop you having a whale of a time at a funeral. Sometimes, everyone is encouraged to wear a particular football shirt, say, to mark the deceased’s passion. The tone of such a service is likely to be quite light!

I hope I’ve made it clear that the tone you desire for weddings or funerals is ultimately down to you. Discuss it with your celebrant, and you can have the ceremony that suits and keeps a smile on everybody’s face.

Photo: www.lyndseygoddard.com

Who needs a Wedding Rehearsal?

Who needs a Wedding Rehearsal?

“Who needs a wedding rehearsal?” One of those “it depends” questions, really.

If we’re talking processions, music, complex rituals, large numbers, then I would recommend a rehearsal. If the ceremony is small (fewer than 50 guests) and basically simple and straightforward, then I’d suggest doing without it.

Of course, there will be permutations of both.

Practicalities to consider are whether you can arrange it that all suppliers to turn up at the same time and place for the rehearsal. You may need to give considerable notice.

Suppliers may reasonably expect to be paid for their time and trouble, if a rehearsal hasn’t been arranged as part of the booking. Does your budget accommodate this expense?

So what can you expect at a rehearsal?

If you are using a wedding planner, then she (or he) will need to be there and will probably conduct the whole thing. If not, then the officiant – or one of the wedding party – can do so.

You may also want other suppliers to attend (eg florist, caterer, music provider) so you can discuss your requirements in situ.

It’s probably a good idea to have all the wedding party in attendance too.

The walk-through

The procession will have to be sorted (along with the music). Cues need to be agreed. Is the bride going to lead the train in, or will she come in last? Where will the bridesmaids stand when they reach the front?

Where will the couple be standing for the ceremony?

Explain what is required, especially if children are participating – and stress the need to walk slowly.  Practise the procession at least once.

Go through the order of service (the officiant needs to cover the cues, but not necessarily read the whole service). It might spoil things a bit on the day, if the words have already been uttered in the rehearsal.) Make sure everybody participating knows what they have to do and when, including any musicians.

If there are special rituals, go through what is required. Will there be animals, birds or children involved?

This may be a good moment to discuss with the officiant what will happen after the ceremony ends (eg he/she could announce, “After the couple has processed out, please follow them out for photos”).

Practise the recessional too.

Keep the mood light and encouraging. Thank participants. Don’t be openly critical of anyone. Keep things moving as much as possible. Remember, people have limited attention spans!

Doing without a Wedding Planner

Doing without a Wedding Planner

A wedding planner can be wonderful! At the very least, she should ensure peace of mind for you. Let her take care of all the arrangements. She will look after you in the run-up to, and of course on, your big day.

Of course, not unreasonably, there’s a cost involved.

If, however,  you prefer not to go down that route, here are a few tips to bear in mind.

If you want the full church service, then of course your priest will be able to give you all the advice you need. Note that the service will be prescribed, rather than personal.

A register office ceremony may well be brief, but will be standardised and not really personal either.

For a unique ceremony reflecting your personalities and which can be tailor-made, work with a professional civil celebrant.

Starting the Process

Whatever you do, in addition to reserving your venue, you will need to formally give notice (together and in person) of marriage/civil partnership and book the registrars.

Registrars

Option One

An excellent plan, if you are having a civil ceremony, and wish to choose a venue that is not actually licensed for weddings, is to go down to the Register Office (make an appointment first!) with two witnesses the morning or day(s) before. You can wear your ordinary clothes.  Ten or so minutes later, you become legally married.

You can enjoy exactly the ceremony you want afterwards (free of anxiety). Why not finish with a certificate-signing (not legally binding) for that photo-opportunity for your guests?

Option Two

However, if you are marrying in licensed premises, registrars will still need to be present (and, therefore, pre-booked). (You can have your bespoke ceremony straight afterwards.)

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Venue

It is up to you whether you choose a licensed venue or, for example, the great outdoors, as long as you bear the above paragraphs in mind. If you are planning to use private land, ensure you ask permission first!

Preliminaries

It is beyond the scope of this article to go into each element in depth, but, depending on the scale of your ceremony, some of the things you will need to consider – in good time – are:

  • Dress
  • Catering
  • Guest list
  • Invitations
  • Flowers
  • Seating plan
  • Transport
  • Order of service booklet
  • Entertainment
  • Potential accommodation for you and/or guests
  • Officiant

And, not least, the content of the wedding service itself.

The Wedding Ceremony

Do you want the traditional bits? Or just some of them? Do you prefer a modern service? Do you want hymns? What music do you want? Who will participate (eg as reader(s))? Who should walk down the aisle? What about including some less orthodox rituals (handfasting, Unity candles, etc.)?

A lot of questions! But these are all things that the civil celebrant should be able to advise you on. They will construct the ceremony with you and you will approve every bit of it along the way, so that you (and, your guests) will enjoy a unique, personalised, tailor-made ceremony.

Like the sound of that? Given time, you can organise all this yourself quite successfully, save money, and still have the memorable, delightful ceremony of your dreams.

Even without a wedding planner.

But I do suggest using a civil celebrant!