by Michael | Nov 9, 2015 | Blog
It can hardly have escaped your notice that today is Friday, 13th November.
I wonder how many people will tie the knot today?
According to the Daily Mail three years ago, Michelle Moore and Daniel Joyce chose to do so. They may have regretted their choice, as the marquee collapsed in torrential rain on the eve of the wedding.
They managed to find another venue, but after the service, a three-month-old girl was rushed to hospital following a severe allergic reaction, possibly caused by chemical spray on the wedding flowers. (Fortunately, she recovered quite swiftly.)
Finally, an amplifier on the dance floor started to smoke. At least, no evacuation was needed and another amplifier was found.
Not ideal, perhaps, but, apparently, an amazing time was had by all. But had they been jinxed?
Fridays
Friday has had a bad reputation in public consciousness for quite some time. Certainly, “The Canterbury Tales” was not alone in medieval times in considering that Friday was an unlucky day to undertake journeys or start new projects.
Black Friday has been associated with Stock Market crashes and other disasters since the 1800s.
Thirteen
Thirteen has long been considered unlucky. Numerologists class it as “irregular” and “incomplete”. Because there were 13 at the Last Supper, Christians have frowned upon it. There’s even a Norse myth that claims that having thirteen people seated at a table will result in the death of one of them.
Friday, the 13th
Perhaps surprisingly, given the above, the combination of Friday and the 13th has only been considered inauspicious since the 20th century following the publication in 1907 of a novel by Thomas W. Lawson called “Friday the 13th”. This tells of a Wall Street panic on that day.
The date became ill-starred thereafter (as underlined in the blockbuster “Da Vinci Code” of 2003). Hence, probably not a favourite date for arranging a wedding nowadays!
But is all this just superstitious claptrap – or could there be something in it?
What do you think? Would YOU tie the knot on Friday the 13th?!
If so, then please be aware that, as a civil celebrant, I’d be quite happy to officiate on such a day.
by Michael | Jun 23, 2015 | Blog
They say that you have to work at most things, but especially at marriage. If you doubt that, just look at the divorce rate. Many people believe that, once their marriage is ‘established’ – perhaps ten years old – there’s no more need to work at it.
Wrong!
Of course, you may have a freak marriage, where relationships are almost always smooth and harmonious, but reality tells us that that is almost never the case. There’s always something – whether it be stress from work, children, finances, health, annoying personal behavior or tics, other family members and so on. Any of these can put enormous pressure on a marriage.
If you are with me in acknowledging these risks to your relationship, what steps can you take to ensure that you remain a team?
Romance
One of the first things that go in a relationship is romance. Once you’ve hooked your spouse, you probably take your foot off the gas. Priorities change. You may well begin to take each other for granted.
To put that right, you may be able to make some sort of sacrifice for your partner, which may well give the right message that you still care.
The odd romantic gesture – be it flowers, a meal out or even a love message on a card – can make a real difference, and say “I do still value you”. Making time to share some fun moments together is invaluable, and leads nicely on to my next point.
Disputes
If there are areas of contention (and which relationship is without any?), then it is important to bring them out into the open, sooner rather than later, otherwise they may fester. Feelings then can run so deep that it may be impossible to save the relationship.
Mediation may be an option, whether via a relative or friend or professionally.
Humour
There are always going to be differences of opinion and mutual respect is essential here. Some issues will need to be worked out, but others can be resolved before they escalate. Humour is very often the catalyst for a happy solution, and far more likely to help than finger-pointing and accusations.
You can laugh at mistakes, make fun of yourselves – but the smiles and jokes should be affectionate, never aggressive.
Last-ditch attempts
Of course, if counselling does not work, rather than resort to divorce, a solution might be to try a period of separation. This can free partners from what might be the suffocation of too much time together – and they may begin to appreciate what the other brings to the relationship, when away from it.
Alternatively, separation can be less dramatic and merely take the form of doing pastimes or activities, or visiting friends, apart, on a regular basis.
Re-cement the Relationship
There are a lot of reasons to have a Vow Renewal ceremony.
For example, the vows you shared at your wedding may now be a distant memory; if your relationship has gone through a rocky time, why not declare to the world that you are well and truly together again; maybe you married abroad and friends or relatives never had a chance to be with you originally; you may want to declare your bond in front of children and even grandchildren. Either way, it is a beautiful ceremony that you can arrange just the way you want. A civil celebrant will be able to advise and guide you.
So be aware that a marriage is a very special relationship. Yes, it has to worked at (as do all relationships), but success is attainable and oh, so worthwhile!
Good luck with it – but remember that it is in your hands to make your own luck!
by Michael | Apr 22, 2015 | Blog
An innocent invitation
My wife and I were invited to a wedding recently – I am more used to being the Civil Celebrant than a wedding guest, so the boot was on the other foot this time! The couple were starting a new home together and had a Wedding List from John Lewis.
So we had a look to see what we could get them.
I had dire images in my mind of ridiculous, extravagant presents that we could never afford to buy, but fortunately they were requesting a range of items varying from about £25 to a couple of hundred pounds. As long as you got in fairly quickly, you could buy what you wanted without necessarily bankrupting yourself.
A more demanding invitation
But what if they had been requesting the contents of the Bank of England vaults (assuming anything is there)?
What if they had been having the wedding in some tropical paradise?
Would it have had to come down to deciding whether or not to attend because the demands on our pockets were too great ?
We would have been really sorry to have missed that wedding (on a number of counts). Marriage was important to them (as it is to us). Also, our friendship presumably was too.
In this instance, as I’ve have said, we weren’t placed in the dilemma of having to decide whether to attend or not. But what if we had been?
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
If your emotions tell you one thing, but your head tells you another, can there be a compromise? Well, I’d say so.
Of course, you could make some excuse about unavailability, which would avoid embarrassing yourself by giving the real reason. That doesn’t help, though, if your heart is set on attending. (Incidentally, if you’re not going to show up, give maximum warning so that someone else could possibly be invited in your stead. And certainly ensure that you don’t leave it so late that the couple are charged for the meal you’ll not be consuming.)
But how about being up front? “I’d love to come to your wedding, but my budget doesn’t stretch that far at the moment. But maybe we can take you out for a lovely dinner [or a show or something equivalent that is affordable] at another date?”
That way, at least you show that you do value their friendship.
Moreover, send them a lovely, personal congratulatory good wishes card, which is a lovely touch.
And going out with them for that meal or show means you’ll be spending quality time with your friends. Not something you can do at a wedding, of course.
So perhaps there is a viable alternative to breaking the bank when it comes to being a wedding guest.
by Michael | Feb 24, 2015 | Blog
Not every marriage comes with a mother-in-law attached. And not every mother-in-law is – or even needs to be – dreaded. However, as with every relationship, work may well be needed.
Source: www.bemozza.org
Here are some tips for mothers-in-law that may help preserve the family peace – and even foster a good relationship with those relatives.
- Try to avoid favouritism. Include both your offspring and the in-law on any anniversary or Christmas card. Send each of them a birthday card at the appropriate times. This applies also to natural grandchildren as well as those you ‘inherit’ through your off-spring’s marriage.
- Visits should be pre-arranged and should be limited. The couple is entitled to some free time for themselves, even though family time is important and desirable. Fit in with what the couple wants. By all means, phone (and expect calls), but be moderate. Don’t expect to come and live in the couple’s house for weeks at a time (one week is pushing it). They shouldn’t have to drop everything and fit in with you . That said, you have a perfect right to want contact, but just be moderate and reasonable!
- Respect the couple’s house rules and preferences, including not spoiling grandchildren too much (of course, a certain amount is absolutely fitting). Don’t go mad on presents either – they can be embarrassing for the parents too. They may disapprove of, or be unable to afford, such largesse.
- Be appreciative of your in-laws, especially if they make an effort on your behalf. And don’t go complaining about them to your offspring! In fact, keep clear of disputes and also of side-taking.
- Offer to help, particularly if your stay is an extended one.
- Avoid interfering, unless your participation is invited.
- Be prepared to compromise. The couple may need to accommodate the other set of parents, especially at festivals and the like, so you may have to wait your turn.
- If you feel aggrieved or left out, however, raise the matter (amicably!). The matter may easily be resolved. Don’t ignite situations needlessly, but don’t let real (or perceived) slights fester.
Relationships of all kinds need to be worked at, but there’s no need to follow stereotypes and become the mother-in-law from hell. Most of these tips are really quite painless! Moreover, you’ll usually find that, if your attitude is positive, it won’t take long before you receive the positive response you surely welcome.
by Michael | Feb 17, 2015 | Blog
At first sight, weddings are usually considered a “young person’s thing”, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that there are plenty of people marrying at a more mature age.
Why marry when older?
In many cases, people are choosing to put off their wedding longer so that they can enjoy themselves before being encumbered by a family. They may want to establish a business or career, and need to devote their time to this.
Some people believe they shouldn’t marry until they are ‘sure’ that the relationship has a good chance of lasting. They may lack confidence.
Older people are returning to the marriage market for another go. They may be divorcees or widows/widowers.
Gay couples in a civil partnership are increasingly looking to convert their legal status to marriage, and many established pairs are therefore taking advantage.
Source: www.columbian.com
Should the ceremony be different?
A church wedding (if permitted) and, indeed, a register office ceremony, will be the same for an 18-year-old or for a 58-year-old. They are basically standard ceremonies.
You will need a civil ceremony, if you’re looking for a bespoke ceremony.
Civil Ceremony suggestions
By the nature of the thing, no two civil ceremonies are likely to be the same, so it is impossible to be prescriptive.
Nevertheless, when approached by more mature couples, I still have the preliminary chat and establish what elements (if any) they have in mind. I make suggestions and then, over time, send them drafts for them to approve.
The areas I am likely to cover include music, rituals and readings.
- There is no reason why older couples can’t enjoy the same sort of music as youngsters (if that’s their choice). They may choose the same rituals (a Unity Candle is always lovely – but older pairs may have families they want to involve, so this ritual can be expanded to include offspring etc.). Either age group may decide to include the offering of a gift, such as a red rose, to their parents during the marriage.
A good celebrant ought be able to supply suitable suggestions.
One or two rituals (such as ‘jumping the broom’) may be less advisable for the more mature couples!
- There’s no reason why age should prevent couples from writing and/or reciting their vows or having the rings blessed.
- Readings can be whatever the couple want, and many are not age-specific in any way. However, there are some suitable for more mature couples. I like this anonymous passage (for very mature couples!), and I conclude with it:
“The question is asked: ‘Is there anything more beautiful in life than a young couple clasping hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?’ And the answer is given: ‘Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled but still clasped; their faces are seamed but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired but still strong with love and devotion. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love.’
