by Michael | Jun 23, 2015 | Blog
They say that you have to work at most things, but especially at marriage. If you doubt that, just look at the divorce rate. Many people believe that, once their marriage is ‘established’ – perhaps ten years old – there’s no more need to work at it.
Wrong!
Of course, you may have a freak marriage, where relationships are almost always smooth and harmonious, but reality tells us that that is almost never the case. There’s always something – whether it be stress from work, children, finances, health, annoying personal behavior or tics, other family members and so on. Any of these can put enormous pressure on a marriage.
If you are with me in acknowledging these risks to your relationship, what steps can you take to ensure that you remain a team?
Romance
One of the first things that go in a relationship is romance. Once you’ve hooked your spouse, you probably take your foot off the gas. Priorities change. You may well begin to take each other for granted.
To put that right, you may be able to make some sort of sacrifice for your partner, which may well give the right message that you still care.
The odd romantic gesture – be it flowers, a meal out or even a love message on a card – can make a real difference, and say “I do still value you”. Making time to share some fun moments together is invaluable, and leads nicely on to my next point.
Disputes
If there are areas of contention (and which relationship is without any?), then it is important to bring them out into the open, sooner rather than later, otherwise they may fester. Feelings then can run so deep that it may be impossible to save the relationship.
Mediation may be an option, whether via a relative or friend or professionally.
Humour
There are always going to be differences of opinion and mutual respect is essential here. Some issues will need to be worked out, but others can be resolved before they escalate. Humour is very often the catalyst for a happy solution, and far more likely to help than finger-pointing and accusations.
You can laugh at mistakes, make fun of yourselves – but the smiles and jokes should be affectionate, never aggressive.
Last-ditch attempts
Of course, if counselling does not work, rather than resort to divorce, a solution might be to try a period of separation. This can free partners from what might be the suffocation of too much time together – and they may begin to appreciate what the other brings to the relationship, when away from it.
Alternatively, separation can be less dramatic and merely take the form of doing pastimes or activities, or visiting friends, apart, on a regular basis.
Re-cement the Relationship
There are a lot of reasons to have a Vow Renewal ceremony.
For example, the vows you shared at your wedding may now be a distant memory; if your relationship has gone through a rocky time, why not declare to the world that you are well and truly together again; maybe you married abroad and friends or relatives never had a chance to be with you originally; you may want to declare your bond in front of children and even grandchildren. Either way, it is a beautiful ceremony that you can arrange just the way you want. A civil celebrant will be able to advise and guide you.
So be aware that a marriage is a very special relationship. Yes, it has to worked at (as do all relationships), but success is attainable and oh, so worthwhile!
Good luck with it – but remember that it is in your hands to make your own luck!
by Michael | Jun 16, 2015 | Blog
No two wedding ceremonies ought to be the same (hence, the existence of civil celebrants like me to advise and help create a unique personalised ceremony). Nor should receptions be the same – not for venue, food, entertainment or booze.
The drink side of things tends to be a bit of a worry to many people. I am not really going to focus on choice of wine/ beer etc., particularly as much may depend on budget and personal taste.
However, I do have a few suggestions, based on experience, that may prove helpful.
Source: www.telegraph.co.uk
How much?
As a general guide, I’d say that you should work on a couple of glasses per person of sparkling wine/champagne as an aperitif.
Assuming there’s a sit-down reception, go for half a bottle of wine per person. Of course, mineral water or soft drinks should also be available.
If it’s a morning or afternoon reception, you may find that people will consume less alcohol (and that may also prove to be a cheaper time to book the venue). Teas and coffees may become an option to consider additionally.
Restaurant
If you’re booking a restaurant as the venue, you may want to ensure they have more wine etc. in reserve. Just in case.
Bar
If you’re having a cash-bar at the venue, then quantity is not going to be such a problem.
Self-catering
Should you be holding the reception at your home, then it may be harder to judge the quantities. It is probably better to err on the side of generosity, although you won’t want masses left over. A good idea, therefore, is to buy from Majestic, as up to 10% can be returned – provided the bottle and labels are in good condition. (Be aware that if the bottle is put into a bucket of ice, the label will suffer.)
Choice of Wine
Don’t be pretentious. You want something that will be drinkable for the majority and that goes down easily. It doesn’t necessarily have to complement the food. Light whites and juicy reds would be ideal. After a heavy red, half the guests may drop off during the speeches!
You should be able to get very decent wines that meet your needs at Marks & Spencers or Waitrose for about £6 – £8 a bottle.
Cheers!
by Michael | Jun 9, 2015 | Blog
With times and trends moving so fast, it’s not always clear what wedding guests should and should not do nowadays. Here are a few rules to think about.
Invitations
Invitations may come by post or by e-mail these days, and it’s probably best to reply the same way. It is courtesy, to be frank, but it can also help the couple work out logistics, if all the replies come in the same form.
I don’t recommend giving an oral response (if you happen to meet the bride/groom out somewhere), as that can easily get overlooked.
It may be that only you are invited, but you have a plus-one. You may have to accept that the couple are limited for space/budget etc. And don’t assume your children are invited if they are not specifically mentioned. However, if you are engaged or married, then it’s fair enough to query it.
Social Media & photography
There will be differing views about photographing the wedding ceremony. (I have written on this subject before.) The first basic rule, in my view, is that unless you are actively encouraged by the couple (eg offering a hashtag to use on all wedding photos), don’t post anything. You certainly should not be posting before the couple themselves have done so.
There may well be a professional photographer present. He will have been paid specifically by the bride and groom to do a job, and it’s unfair if guests get in his way and even spoil shots for the couple.
Presents
There’s still a lot to be said about a John Lewis list or registry, for example. It makes perfect sense that the couple receive what they actually want – and not in multiple quantities. If the gifts on the list are too dear, then I’d say it’s acceptable to give a cheque or gift vouchers.
If you insist on giving an unasked-for present, then include the receipt so it can be changed, if necessary.
Dress
One thing that has become acceptable as a guest is to wear white to a wedding. But not all-white. Something with white in it is fine, but it’s really not the thing to steal the bride’s thunder. You can even wear black these days, but ensure it doesn’t look too funereal. (Jewellery and choice of shoes can lighten the effect.)
Ceremony and reception
Unless specifically stated otherwise, the invitation will be for the ceremony and reception (and not one or the other). You may not like church weddings, say, but that’s not an excuse to miss it. The couple will want you for the whole experience, so it would be rude to duck out. If it is important for the couple, it should be worth putting up with on your part.
Don’t think nobody will notice, either!
Participation
Whatever your views about wedding traditions, if the couple want to include some, respect this. It is their big day, after all, rather than yours. Excuse yourself quietly, if you really can’t stomach it.
Of course, if the wedding is civil celebrant-led, then don’t expect the orthodox, but have an open mind and enjoy!
There’s no reason why you can’t appreciate the wedding ceremony and reception as a guest. Most guests do so without the need to offend anybody. The key thing, whatever your feelings, is to remember whose day it really is.
by Michael | Jun 2, 2015 | Blog
In the majority of cases, the bride and her family are the driving force behind the wedding arrangements. In some cases, the groom is invited to share his opinion and, perhaps, rubber-stamp a few details. Many grooms prefer it that way too! But usually, the groom is a mere bystander, totally reliant on the ladies.
However, involving the groom in certain areas, as well as being psychologically tactful, can actually play to his strengths and bring real benefit.
I suggest that he can play a part in the following areas:
Source: www.polkadotbride.com
Clothing – this is a dangerous one, I confess, as a groom’s dress sense is not always impeccable, as my wife will tell anyone willing to listen. However, the groom should be allowed to choose what he (and the ushers) will wear (even if judicious guidance may possibly be volunteered!).
Drinks – probably safer ground here. The groom could be put in charge of the bar menu (as long as he doesn’t sample too enthusiastically – albeit in the interests of science, of course!).
Activities – the groom may have some useful input into activities that you might want to offer at the reception. It could be entertainers, magicians, photo-booths, or whatever.
Theme – you are presumably intending to spend the foreseeable future (and perhaps your whole life) with your partner. Why not see if you can’t work together and come up with a theme for the day? The groom may be surprisingly creative. (Or not.)
Music – this is a very important area at most weddings, both at the ceremony and at the reception. The groom is likely to have his thoughts and wishes about this, and should be part of the decision-making process.
Photography – the groom should be involved in planning discussions with the photographer/videographer. I’m not just talking about poses but also who is going to be snapped/filmed.
Transport – if you are splashing out on a special car to take you to and from the ceremony, perhaps it could be the car of the groom’s dreams?
Basics – Flowers, menus, decoration, dresses – all these are the domain of the bride’s side. However, I think the groom must have a say in the budget, the choice of venue, the guest list and the type of ceremony and celebrant. The areas mentioned above are up for discussion. Unless the groom really chooses to opt out altogether (surely not on the biggest day of his life?), he should be able to play a part in the big decisions. His opinion may not always coincide with the bride’s or her family’s, but it is his wedding too. That said, there may have to be some give and take and (polite) bargaining too!
Based on an idea by Mike Staff of Michigan Wedding Planning & Ideas.
by Michael | May 12, 2015 | Blog
Being on the other side of the fence at wedding fairs, I tend to note all sort of reactions from visitors. Of course, some are attending their very first show and are unsure what to expect; others may be attending for very specific purposes (it could be to see the venue or find a photographer, for example). I suppose some might be there for the freebies!
However, there is potentially a lot to take in and it can be a bit overpowering. I therefore offer a few tips that may help you get the most out of the experience.
Hints
- Arrive early. It tends to be less crowded then – and you are more likely to get freebies!
- Unless you’re focussed on finding just one particular supplier, such as a cake-maker, try and be methodical and cover all the aisles. You never know what you might otherwise miss.
- Don’t worry that stallholders will try and engage you. They won’t be offended if you’re not interested in their services; be curious, though. If you’re looking for ideas, they may have something to offer that you hadn’t expected. For example, quite a few people don’t know what a civil celebrant like myself offers, and are glad they stopped to chat.
- Make the experience as pleasant as possible. Do exchange smiles with others, even if you walk away with nothing from the stallholders. You may spend longer at the fair than you’re expecting; you may be on your feet a long time. You may also end up with quite a bit to carry (there are usually goody bags, in addition to flyers you may pick up along the way), so try not to encumber yourselves before you even arrive. Maybe avoid surplus clothing, depending on the weather outside. And do at least wear comfortable shoes. Bring some bottled water, so you don’t dehydrate.
- Be prepared to ask questions and to listen. This is an information-gathering exercise, so don’t feel inhibited. By all means, be prepared to make notes as you go through. You can also gain a useful snapshot of the enthusiasm and professionalism of your would-be supplier. You’re going to want to know you’ll feel a rapport with me, if I am to be creating your wedding ceremony and conducting it on the day!
- Collect cards and flyers from vendors. When you leave the show, you will probably feel overwhelmed and tired, and may not remember who told you what. This way you’ll be able to follow up with any supplier you want to. Incidentally, if you have a business card yourself (or prepare your own label), you can leave it with a supplier whom you want to contact you, and save time.
- There may be a fashion show. That can give you some good ideas, but if you’re already sorted with your dress, this might be a quiet and more relaxed time to visit the stalls instead.
- There will be things on sale you might not be expecting and opportunities to sign up with suppliers at special prices, so it may be as well to bring your wallet with you. And if you have a camera, you can take a snap to remind you at a later date what attracted you.
Meet the Celebrant!
My next wedding fair is on Sunday, 17th May at the prestigious Compleat Angler, Marlow. My book “Your Wedding Guide” will be available to purchase at my stand, and I’d be delighted to meet you and answer any questions you may have about conventional ceremonies or handfastings, say. (If you tell me you’ve come along as a result of this article, I’ll offer you 10% off any ceremony you may book with me!)
