Writing Your Vows

I am occasionally asked to write clients’ vows for them. Of course, I oblige, but I much prefer to guide them, and let them do it themselves. Each relationship is unique, and the vows should be too (although, of course, it’s fine for ideas to be borrowed).

The reason is simple. The vows are (or should be) so personal – they are publicly-made promises that really matter (or should!). They are wishes for your and your intended’s future. They are your thoughts and feelings.

(Incidentally, it’s a good exercise to do even if you’re not getting married – simply stopping to acknowledge what your loved one brings to your relationship.)

Purpose

At one level, this public declaration is a wonderful way to start your marriage off. The composing can be a moving and rewarding time for the couple, and the public recitation can be really inspiring (often also to the guests).

You won’t get the chance to do anything as personal as this at a conventional wedding (religious or register office), so this will be a stand-out moment for you and your guests.

As a celebrant, I sometimes offer a wine box ceremony. Along with a favourite bottle of wine (for example), you could put a copy of both your vows into a chest and lock it until an agreed time (one year, five years – or if your marriage (perish the thought!) is on the rocks).

At any rate, make sure you keep a copy afterwards.

Composition

The vow section can be romantic It doesn’t have to be, though, if that’s not ‘your thing’, although you must still manage to say something nice about your loved one and your future life together. You can borrow lyrics from poems and even contemporary songs to get your message across.

It doesn’t have to be beautifully-crafted – or too lengthy (in fact, one minute will probably be ample).

All this doesn’t mean the vows can’t be funny – indeed, if they reflect your personality and ideals, that’s all to the good – but they should be well-prepared and practised. Even if there are moments of humour, the words – and how you say them – are what really count.

Humour

Don’t mistake rudeness or lack of respect for humour. Remember that you are making a public declaration, and the last thing you want to invite is misunderstanding or offence.

The humour has got to be natural and truly funny (and, as I have said, only be a part of a sincere, serious whole).

A good idea is to try the vows out in front of a well-meaning but potentially critical friend, who can listen to the vows and suggest what may and what may not work .

Practice

You want to use words which are natural to you. It’s bad enough that you may be nervous when delivering your vows (although you may enjoy the experience far more than you expect!); what you don’t want is to sound artificial and forced.

Delivery

It would be lovely, if you delivered your vows while looking into your loved one’s eyes. In the real world, memory is an issue and it is more likely that you either repeat what the celebrant reads out or, better, read off a 3 x 5 card. Remember, you can read a bit and make eye contact too, and, if you have rehearsed it, you’ll remember a lot of your ‘script’.

Conclusion

By all means, ask your civil celebrant to help you, but do what you can to make this intimate moment really yours, and work hard – as it merits – so that you can carry it off with sincerity and even a little panache, so that it becomes a highlight of your ceremony – and perhaps a guiding-light for the rest of your life together.

 

 

5 Hints for Planning Your Wedding

5 Hints for Planning Your Wedding

Of course, you are looking to create your perfect day. Well, many elements will go towards the completed whole, but you really need to take account of at least these five points when planning your wedding.

  1. The budget

Obviously, this is the most important factor. You have to work together with anyone who is helping you here (probably your family?), and decide rationally what you will spend. It’s no good getting carried away with enthusiasm – you need self-discipline.

Big as the occasion may be, you do not want to bankrupt yourselves. And remember that the amount spent does not guarantee the success of the marriage!

The event is (or should be) a commitment ceremony; it should not be an attempt to show off how rich or extravagant you are. Should the reception really mean more than the vows?

Good taste and sincerity are more important.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few OTT touches (budget permitting), but that should be a bonus rather than the intention. There are probably certain elements that you will insist on, and it’s as well to discuss these at the outset, so that they aren’t overlooked later.

The budget will also dictate the ceremony, participants, reception and number of guests to invite, but that is something I cover elsewhere, notably in my book “Your Wedding Guide”.

married couple in stately home - 12

  1. Date & location

Naturally, it will be more expensive to schedule your wedding at peak times (such as summer holidays, Christmas or around Valentine’s Day). You may want to avoid major events, such as World Cups and holiday season, when your potential guests may be otherwise engaged.

You’ll need to consider climate too, if you want an outdoor wedding.

The venue should (as far as possible) be the place of your dreams, but if it’s in an exotic location, your guests may have to go to a lot of expense and trouble to attend, so keep that in mind.

  1. Other Suppliers

As soon as you have settled on your budget, start discussing suppliers that you may need. Like the venue, which may require a year or more’s warning, you should allow plenty of time, in order to secure the supplier of your choice.

Among others, you will need to consider florists, caterers, dressmakers, musicians and, not least, celebrant. Where possible, you should meet with these first, so you can feel confident you have made the right choices. All that takes time, so allow for that.

  1. Choosing theme and colours

It’s easy to get excited and let your imagination run away with your wallet. Keep your budget in mind, use wedding books and planning guides and whatever resources are available to you.

Do not over-decorate, but make full use of flowers and candles.

Be creative with the colours. These may reflect the bride’s personality. Vivid colours (tastefully combined) can be most effective.

      5. Vows and music

The vows are one of the most important elements of a marriage. They should be well-planned – and audible. They are a public declaration of your mutual feelings, and should not be under-estimated.
Equally, the music should be planned carefully and be clearly audible. Make sure you choose lyrics that you really want, as they will be publicised to all your guests.

 

Hopefully, the planning will be a team effort (maybe the groom will be willing and able to participate!). If approached in the right way, it will be enjoyable and exciting, and so, so worthwhile. Do think about my book “Your Wedding Guide“, which takes you by the hand and helps you to get things right.

 

8 Ways To Save Your Guests Money

8 Ways To Save Your Guests Money

A wedding nowadays can cost £20,000 or even more. And that doesn’t take into account expenses for bridesmaids and guests. It’s quite an industry, and I, as a civil celebrant, clearly contribute towards this cost – although only in a very small way, I hasten to add!

Bridesmaids

Bridesmaids can spend as much as £1,000, if you factor in their dress, travel, accessories, and wedding present.

Source: dailytelegraph.com

Guests

Attending a wedding as a guest, especially if that involves a hotel stay (and possibly, travel, professional child care, costume, wedding gift and stag/hen nights) can cost several hundred pounds. (And I’m not even talking about destination weddings.)
It’s therefore not so surprising that a number of people have to make personal sacrifices or even decline a wedding invitation for financial reasons.
If you are planning your wedding, there are some things you can easily do to make to save your guests money.

Money-saving tips

1. Keep engagement party/hen/stag nights modest in scale.
2. Assuming you use a department store for your gift list (or registry), it doesn’t have to be the priciest – or, if you’re absoultely set on a high-end list, do include some items that don’t cost too much. I’m talking about £30-£80. You could even register at Harrods as well as at John Lewis, say, to give guests a bit of choice.
3. If it’s feasible, offer the possibility to buy individual items, rather than a set.
4. You can give guests the option of a charitable donation, if you don’t really need gifts. Then people needn’t feel embarrassment, if they’re a bit constrained.
5. You may be able to use discount stores for your bridesmaids’ dresses. Or they can hire which should work out cheaper than buying new. If the colour scheme fits, they may even be able to use dresses they currently own.
6. Your ushers should be allowed to wear suits they already have, if they so wish.
7. Choose a venue that is accessible and within reach for most people. If it’s near public transport links, so much the better.
8. Don’t have a cash bar on the day (or not until you have provided a reasonable amount of drink first)!

None of these tips are particularly arduous, and following them may make a real difference to those you really want to attend your big day – and so ultimately to you yourselves.

Your Second Marriage

Your Second Marriage

There’s always talk about the high divorce rate, but that doesn’t seem to put people off from contemplating a second marriage. Whether their first marriage had broken down irrevocably or had ended through death,  a new life begins with a second marriage.

The Whole ‘Shebang’

For your second marriage, there is nothing to stop you from organising a large-scale affair (assuming you have the funds and will to do so). But you may feel that you’ve ‘done it all before’ and would like a more modest ‘do’, and that’s absolutely fine.

Depending on your circumstances and also choices, a full religious service may not be a practical option, so remember that a civil celebrant will be able to create a wonderful and moving ceremony for you (and it can be as religious, or not, as you want it to be).

Likewise, the venue and reception can – and should – reflect your wishes, as well as your budget.

Little problems

Many remarriages will bring children from the first marriage in tow. This may seem a tricky complication, but, although the age of the children is a factor to be considered, there are ways to turn this to your advantage.

It’s absolutely fine if the children remain on the periphery or keep a low profile. Whatever you choose has to be right.

However, if kids can be involved (positively!), this can enhance the ceremony for all concerned (including the guests).

Possible Solutions: before the big day

Children can be invited to a play a part in the planning and at the event itself. Beforehand, they might be asked for a few choices of music (maybe for the service, but, more likely, for the reception). They might be able to help prepare the table decorations for the reception.

Possible Solutions: the big day

An obvious way to involve children is by employing them as bridesmaids or ushers. They can also take part in the ceremony, either by giving their mum away or even (if trusted sufficiently!) by keeping the rings until the ring blessing.

They can also take part in various rituals. There could be brief mutual vows between themselves and the new step-parents; they could participate in ceremonies like sand-blending or Unity candle-lighting, which beautifully symbolise the coming together of two families.

Possible Solutions: the reception

There are various ways that the children can be made to feel special. They can usher people through to the reception. Older ones might propose a toast at the meal or even, in certain circumstances, deliver a very short speech (but this is fraught with potential dangers, and needs to be entered into with eyes wide open!). I advise looking at my blog about groom’s speeches, which contains some important counsel about speech-making in general.

They could have their own table (and possibly, own menu) and entertainment (glo-sticks, fancy dress, magician etc.)

They might even be invited to dance with their new step-parents, although this should not be insisted upon too much!

It certainly makes sense at every level to include the children. You can get your new life off to a great start by keeping them sweet.

Whether or not there are children to consider, whether or not you have already had a big wedding the first time around, make no mistake: your second marriage is a significant step and deserves to be commemorated in the way that meets your beliefs and wishes.

 

A Real Civil Ceremony

A Real Civil Ceremony

Misunderstandings can be quite damaging. My job as civil ceremony creator and conductor is certainly open to misconceptions.

I was vividly reminded of this a few days ago.

The wrong message

At a recent wedding fair, I had thought that I was getting through to people as I explained to them what a civil celebrant did and what a difference someone like me could make at a major lifetime event.

Then, three consecutive couples who were looking for a civil ceremony said to me, “Oh no, we can’t use you because we’ve already booked registrars.”

Unfortunately, they had missed the point entirely.

The registrars do the legal bit. They ensure you get the piece of paper that makes your marriage legitimate. The service that accompanies the certificate signing does not have to be the be all and end all of the occasion, although you can settle for that, if you wish.

To give your event an individual stamp, afterwards, you can have an add-on ceremony that actually means something to you and your guests; one that will create memories that last the rest of your life – both for you and for your guests.

The process

When planning the ceremony, a good civil celebrant will consult with, and listen to, you, so as to understand exactly what you may want. He will advise and guide you, as well as offer ideas, if you need any.

Then the celebrant will compile a draft and e-mail it to you. You will be invited to check it carefully, not just for any errors but also in case any of the readings (say) don’t work for you. Following your suggestions, the celebrant will make the relevant changes, and, after a couple more e-mail exchanges, you may virtually be there.

Barn wedding 1 resized

The ceremony, then, will reflect your personality, your beliefs and be everything you want it to be.

Every word will have been approved by you. Assuming that your celebrant has decent presentation skills, you will have a tailor-made, unique service that will be the ceremony of your dreams!

That’s something really wonderful.

And I think it was worth setting the record straight, don’t you?