Handfasting – What’s it all about?

Handfasting – What’s it all about?

So what’s it all about?

I often get asked what a handfasting is.

Do you remember when Prince William married Kate Middleton? Although the ceremony was religious, they briefly incorporated a ritual that resembled a handfasting. The Archbishop draped ribbons over the clasped hands of the couple.

So much else was going on that it attracted little attention. In fact, a handfasting is technically pagan, and can play a central role in pagan ceremonies.

However, it is often chosen as an “add-on” in a more traditional wedding.

A number of brides and grooms are intrigued by this and have decided to incorporate this in their wedding.

Of course, it can be included in a Vow Renewal too.

History

Handfastings began as a marriage rite in the Middle Ages. When peasants married, they might have been unable to afford a clergyman’s fee to hear their vows or a ring to signify their love. The ritual of handfasting became a popular alternative.

A cord was wrapped round the wrists of the couple and left on until their union was consummated. It would usually be kept as a tangible reminder and proof of their commitment and love.

It has given us the expression “tying the knot”.

Present-day Ceremony

Nowadays, the cord symbolises the pair’s mutual love. The way a handfasting can be slipped in to a service is as follows. Please note that this is only a suggestion, and it will be rather different for a pagan ceremony.

  • Walking down the aisle to be given away by a parent
  • Celebrant welcome
  • Meaning of love (possibly from a religious slant, if that’s wanted)
  • Here, or after the Handfasting, or at both times, a song or a reading/poem
  • Handfasting
  • Possibly, a Unity Candle or Sand Ceremony or Chalice ritual
  • Exchange of Rings/Vows
  • Jumping the Broom (not actually pagan, but deriving from wedding ceremonies conducted by slaves in the American South), now used to symbolise sweeping in the new as a new home is created
  • Concluding words

Thoughts

I conducted a memorable handfasting at an Iron Age Fort in Wiltshire. The ceremony was part-pagan, part-Jewish with rituals from both sides. (Of course, the symbolism was explained as we went along.)

It was a totally unique occasion – absolutely perfect for the couple and – clearly – for the guests too.

Another example was when I shared a wonderful experience with an American couple at Stonehenge at the time of the solstice – and that was quite unforgettable!

Otherwise, I have performed handfastings indoors, and they were just as satisfying!

To add extra sparkle and personality to your big day, do find out about a handfasting. It will be a pleasure for me to tell you more.

Photo: www.lyndseygoddard.com

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What if you’re shy and retiring?

What if you’re shy and retiring?

On your wedding day, you can’t avoid being the centre of attention. That’s as it should be, of course, but if you’re shy and retiring, it can make life very difficult indeed.

An introvert prefers remaining in the background, doesn’t relish small talk and likes the quiet. None of these are staple constituents of the average wedding!

Of course, your celebrant will help you through it, but are there some strategies you can employ to reduce the stress?

Easing the Pressure

Let’s start at the planning stage.

You don’t have to have a huge, ostentatious affair. Why not arrange a sunset ceremony on a beach, or even a gathering in a back garden? A small occasion can often be thoroughly memorable and enjoyable, so don’t feel you can’t opt for a more modest event.

Try and keep fellow-planners to a minimum (well-meaning as others may be). Sure, you’ll need advice, but it’s your day. Too many voices will just cause you needless stress.

Rehearsing

If you’re going for a bigger bash, an idea is to go to the venue beforehand with your partner. Whether it’s a church or a hotel (say), just walk down the aisle together and get a feel for what it will be like. You’ll be surprised how helpful that can be.

A Prequel

Odd as it may seem, a lunch or dinner the day before with a number of family members and/or friends will help. They can chat with you, so it will mean less pressure on you on the big day, as you can give your attention to other people.

Attendants

With bridesmaids and a party come dresses, hairdressing, delegated jobs, etc. These can be stressful.

Why not reduce the number of these? That will mean less tension beforehand, and fewer attendants will allow you to enjoy more peace in your retreat just before the off.

Ensure that the attendants you choose will field requests, make introductions and organise people on the day (which might otherwise prove overwhelming for you). (Of course, a wedding planner/co-ordinator can do this job too.)

On the Day

If your partner is an extrovert, ask him/her to take the limelight, making small-talk and thanking everyone for coming.

Escape

Since you crave quiet, maybe you can schedule a few moments away from the maelstrom and take a little quiet time to recharge your batteries. That could be just a few minutes in the powder room, or perhaps you and your beloved have a room in the venue and you can ‘take five’ there.

If you allow yourself to recover, you will get through the day more easily.

The reception

A nice idea is for the newly-weds to be seated at a table with their attendants (and partners), rather than on a ‘top table’, where they are inevitably the centre of attention.

Rest

The day before the wedding, you should allow serious downtime for pampering, so that you are at your best for the day. Also consider deferring the honeymoon a while. Ideally, go a couple of days after your wedding, as you’ll want to recover, so you can get the most out of your trip. You’ll be surprised how much the nervous energy etc. will drain you.

Conclusion

Remember that your wedding will (one hopes!) be a one-off occasion – perhaps the only time you’ll have so many family and friends from both sides together. People will be on your side, surrounding you with love and goodwill. Don’t fight it, but allow yourself to absorb the atmosphere and revel in it.

Even if you’re shy and retiring, the event should turn out to be a lot easier and more wonderful than you ever expected.

For more advice, speak to Michael.

Never work with animals or children

Never work with animals or children

As a civil celebrant, I come across a lot of unpredictable elements that people choose for their ceremonies. Animals or children are known to be dangerous (and even more unpredictable) protagonists. Ask any actor!

I think I’ve got away with it lightly so far. I thought I’d have a problem with a dog, and I did have issues with children, Later next year I’ve got a ceremony during which the ring-bearer will probably be an owl. That could be interesting!

Canines

One couple decided to include their dog, Blue. (Sorry, I don’t know the breed.) He suddenly broke free during the ceremony, sprinted up and made a huge fuss of his owner, the groom. Lots of mutual love and affection in evidence. Of course, Blue stole the show.

Fortunately, everybody laughed, and nobody seemed to object to the interruption and slight delay. It could have been worse, as Blue had originally been intended to participate as ring-bearer, but his appetite was such that it was considered  unwise to entrust this role to him.

Children

I have had to carry on against a background of screaming infants at a funeral. That was difficult, and people were clearly being disturbed. I was considering asking the mother to leave with the children, but somehow we got through it.

There have been very vocal children at a wedding (but that doesn’t seem so bad) and also at a naming ceremony. Incidentally, at the latter event, a 12-year-old boy stood up to read one of the poems I had suggested. (This had been agreed in advance with the family.) What nobody had let on was that this boy was dyslexic. I could have picked a much simpler poem, had I known.

Nonetheless, the boy showed remarkable courage and perseverance, but he did mangle the reading!

On another occasion – a big wedding – the couple were fairly unhelpful (throughout), but they’d told me the name of the ring-bearer and knew I was going to call him up. However, I didn’t know him at all and couldn’t locate him beforehand.

I did see a boy, Alexis, (about 6), beautifully dressed up, carrying a cushion. I asked him whether he was the ring-bearer. He didn’t know. He only knew he didn’t have any rings.

The ceremony began. Once we reached the rings section, I invited up the person named on my script. Nobody came up. No response. The couple said nothing. Thanks to a moment’s inspiration, I called out Alexis’ name, and he duly arrived – complete with both rings! Success!

Dumb animals

I have seen pictures of releases of doves and of butterflies. I am not fully sure about these, as I don’t know if inadvertent cruelty might be involved in using them. In principle, I think working with animals or birds is probably OK, and can add some real character and charm to an occasion.

However, the risk of something going wrong is quite high!

2015-03-01 15.04.53

So I tend to agree with the actors who say: never work with animals or children!

Venue

What I do like, though, is the fact that people have the choice to personalise their wedding (or ceremony) in whatever way they wish. It doesn’t have to include animals or birds, of course. The choice of venue may individualise the ceremony sufficiently.

Rituals

There are some lovely rituals you can include that will make your wedding really stand out. A handfasting is just one example. Other possibilities include Unity Candles, a Sand Ceremony, the Loving Cup, Jumping the Broom, and more. Your civil celebrant can explain these or suggest others.

Personalising the ceremony

Other ways of ensuring a tailor-made ceremony might encompass the choice of music and also readings; including the couple’s “story”; using selected participants (such as Blue!). Or even including something unusual. Mid-ceremony, if the couple have drunk from the Loving Cup, everybody could be served some drink (if it works logistically) and then rise to drink a toast to the couple.

So there are many features you can incorporate or amend to make your big day really stand out. If you need ideas, your celebrant should be able to help you, but the important thing is to do what YOU want to do!

 

A Quirky Ceremony

A Quirky Ceremony

Celebrating a big event? Something special? Would you consider a quirky ceremony?

Surely a wedding or something needs to be religious? Or conventional, at least?

Of course, it can be. But that’s not to say that it can’t be a quirky ceremony. (Or partly quirky!)

After all, it’s your day, so you don’t have to be beholden to what other people think or expect.

I’m not suggesting that you should be tasteless or offensive – but you can be different. There is huge scope for creativity. It doesn’t take so much effort to come up with a memorable, meaningful and beautiful ceremony. And for all the help you will need, a civil celebrant can be there, with ideas and guidance. They are professionals and can really point you in the right direction.

So what do we mean by “quirky”?

The venue can be anywhere (subject to permission and possible payment!).  I’ve conducted ceremonies at Stonehenge, by a canal, at the Savoy, atop an Iron Age fort, in a back garden, in a field – and the list goes on! You are only limited by your imagination (and purse)!

Barn Wedding 2

Rituals

Part of the ceremony can be something a little offbeat. You’ve probably read about handfastings in my blogs (eg https://vowsthatwow.co.uk/handfasting-whats-that/). That might appeal.

A ritual that brings a smile to a wedding is “Jumping the Broom”. The couple together jump over a besom (accompanied by appropriate words) to symbolise sweeping in the new.

You may opt for a rose ceremony. Or there’s the Unity Sand option, which is lovely. Both partners simultaneously pour sand in the colour of their individual choice into one larger bottle, so that the colours merge, just as their lives will.

Readings & Music

The content of the ceremony is ‘up for grabs’ too. The tone is up to you. There is no compulsion to include heavy, serious readings, if you don’t want them. Why not have a humorous poem or text, or even several?

Choose who will read – or even sing – for you.

Similarly, while there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a serious, classical piece played, your tastes may actually be rather different. So by all means let the music reflect these.

Your story, your vows

Personally, I welcome the opportunity to make ceremonies that I conduct as personal as possible. I believe the guests enjoy and appreciate this a lot too.

One feature I like to include, therefore, is what I call the couple’s “story”. In the case of a wedding, it might be how they met, adversity they had to overcome, and what attracted them to each other.

Another way they can personalise their ceremony is to write and declare their own vows. For a Vow Renewal, maybe the couple would rewrite their vows, or prepare something about key moments in their relationship.

Although I’m always there to guide and advise, I think it’s best if the couple actually write this part themselves, if possible.

So I hope you now see that there’s nothing wrong with individualising your ceremonies – indeed, this can often make all the difference to the proceedings.

Go quirky!

Ever considered a Vow Renewal?

Ever considered a Vow Renewal?

There’s a convincing case for celebrating a wedding anniversary with a Vow Renewal. In fact, I can suggest a number of good reasons.

  • You’re approaching your first anniversary – or a year that ends in 5 or 0. That’s an achievement that deserves to be marked!
  • You simply want publicly to demonstrate your affection and the strength of your relationship
  • Your circumstances have changed since your marriage – maybe you have children now. You may even want them to be involved in the ceremony
  • Perhaps your wedding was small or, for whatever reason, a bit of a disappointment
  • Maybe your circle of friends and relatives have changed, and you want the new ones to be part of your big event
  • Your relationship might have successfully come through hard times (illness, finance, etc.) and you want to mark that
  • You might simply welcome the excuse to throw a special party

Why go to the trouble?

A terribly bad reason – but valid, nonetheless – probably suits men, rather than women. Maybe you’re coming round to a big anniversary. You might be looking around for a present for your spouse, but you don’t know what to do. You could go for a Vow Renewal! The gesture could well be a very welcome surprise, even if secrecy can probably not be maintained very long.

What would it entail?

One thing it would NOT entail is repeating all the arrangements for your wedding. This time it is all about free choice.

  • You don’t have to go through any legal formalities
  • You can have the ceremony of your choice – no need to be restricted to full religious or secular Register Office ceremony. There’s no fixed, standard ceremony that you have to follow. It can be quite informal, if you want. Speak to a civil celebrant for ideas.
  • You may decide to rewrite your vows. They may no longer be relevant to you now. Your civil celebrant will be able to help you with this.
  • The budget is down to you. This means that you are not reliant on your parents (and dependent on their wishes and choices). You can decide how much you are prepared to spend and keep it at that. You can decide on what (if any) entertainment will be on offer.
  • The venue is entirely your choice. You can be quirky and allow your personalities to shine through! The world is (more or less!) your oyster!
  • Most importantly, the guest list is down to you! No battles or squabbles this time!

A vow renewal is a joyous, beautiful occasion. You can make of it what you will, but you will always have your civil celebrant to advise, guide and even inspire you.

What an opportunity!

 

Main photo: www.mckinley_rodgers.com