Memories are made of this

Memories are made of this

You may have seen photos on my website of one particular wedding where I officiated. They bring back lovely memories for me (and, hopefully, for the couple concerned!). I thought I’d share the story of their wedding with you.

Lucy and Dave had already married on Skiathos in front of a few close friends and relatives. They wanted to share their happiness with their wider circle. So a wedding blessing was fixed for a Friday in August –  an outside ceremony near a converted barn in the Enfield/Cheshunt area just north of London.

It had been quite a hot day, and the 5 p.m. start avoided the worst of the heat. Unfortunately, although almost everybody was ready then, that wasn’t the time the ceremony actually started. News filtered through that the best man was stuck in traffic on the M25 motorway. And before anybody asks why he hadn’t left home sooner, the fact was that he had actually been at a job interview (successful!), and had been unable to get away sooner!

So a few drinks were consumed and we all settled down to wait. While Lucy stayed secreted with her entourage, Dave was clearly a bit nervous, and this delay didn’t help him.

Another consequence of the delay was that the weather started to turn very noticeably.

However, an hour or so later than scheduled, with the best man refreshed and ready, Dave and I were positioned under a lovely floral arch. Lucy made her entrance up the red carpet leading to us. What a picture! She was radiant, resplendent, confident that all eyes were fixed admiringly upon her and her approach was stately.

The service of blessing began. After my welcome, and mention of absent friends, I talked briefly about Lucy and Dave’s story that nearly never happened (as Dave had chickened out of popping the question when the time seemed right). Anyway, the next time the opportunity arose, in Warwick Castle, he pretended to offer Lucy a chocolate bar; when she unwrapped it, she found a ring.

The ceremony continued, but about this time, a wasp decided to get involved, and it buzzed around the three of us very persistently. This didn’t help Dave’s nerves, or, if I’m honest, mine. Lucy was seemingly imperturbable, though.

This being Britain, “the show had to go on”, and as we proceeded to readings about love and then words of wisdom about marriage. This seemed to interest the wasp rather less. Unfortunately, there was a practical reason for this, which was that the heavens decided that this would be a good time to open!

As the celebrant, I felt that, although we still had a few minutes left ahead of us, we could hardly stop the ceremony. So we moved on to the significance of the rings. As we three were getting decidedly damp (most of the guests had fled for some nearby shelter), an enterprising bright spark picked up a table parasol, opened it and brought it up to the front so that Lucy (though not we men-folk) could be protected. This caused a good deal of merriment, and helped Dave to relax.

As the shower passed, I recited the lovely Apache (Navajo) wedding blessing, with its rather ironic (in the event) beginning:

“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be a shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be a companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place to enter the days of your togetherness. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years. May happiness be your companion, and may your days together be good and long upon the earth.”

Lucy and Dave had been adamant when we were planning the ceremony that there should be some light-hearted elements. So before we ended, there was the pagan “Jumping the Broom” ceremony. I explained that Lucy and Dave would together jump over the broom to symbolise a new beginning, a welcoming of the new – sweeping away old cares and worries. “This represents entering into a new life of husband and wife. The wood represents the strength of the commitment in the marriage. The leap symbolises joyfully taking the leap into married life together.“

I then held the broom some two feet above the ground and invited Lucy to hurdle it in her dress. To the onlookers’ delight, she looked aghast, as was the intention. Of course, I then lowered it to a few inches above the ground!

It was a lovely, warm occasion for a delightful couple; everybody had a smile on their face, and there’s an even happier end to the story: twins for the pair a year or so later!

Wonderful memories, indeed!

Funny Wedding Vows

Funny Wedding Vows

Who said wedding vows can’t be funny?

What should the tone of the vows be?

I have absolutely nothing against people who deliver traditional wedding vows. Or who write their own, solemn ones. I do respect them. Vows are highly significant. They are normally carefully chosen and delivered in the presence of a crowd of people who really matter to the couple.

As a civil celebrant, I’ve heard (and helped with) quite a few in my time.

But injecting a bit of humour and personality into those vows can work and may be absolutely appropriate. Not least, if the couple have got a rich sense of humour.

 

How do you do it?

I’m afraid there’s no template to follow. Nor is there a right or a wrong scenario. What you can do is to write a series of promises that contain a little humour.

One way to do this is to throw a funny line in among some serious or unfunny promises.

You can also deliver your line humorously. Maybe there can be a reference to a failing of your loved one that will be recognised by your partner and, possibly, a good number of guests! You may want to mention something about your (or your loved one’s) character.

That doesn’t mean to say that it should be all about humour and there’s no point making trivial promises. It’s not meant to be a stand-up routine. You shouldn’t force the humour. Don’t be aggressive or disrespectful.

Mention a thing if it is true (and genuinely funny). If your partner is arachnophobic, a vow such as “I promise to save you from any spider that crosses our threshold” will resonate among your guests!

A few thoughts

It goes without saying that you and your partner must both be willing and happy to write your own vows!

Before putting pen to paper, think about what makes your relationship tick.

Then write a few lines, leave your work for a day or two, come back to it and redraft, if needs be. You may need to do this a few times. When you are happy with it, practise reading it aloud. (If you’re really nervous, your celebrant will read it for you, but it’s normally better to do it yourself.)

Starting model

Personalising your vows is all about originality. If you need a starting point, here is a kind of template. By all means, use it but ADAPT IT for your own circumstances.

Use your partner’s first name first, and then say the following:

  1. I promise to [eg, always be at your side] – maybe 3 things
  2. I promise to be [your rock] – maybe 3 things
  3. I promise [to take your advice occasionally] –2/3 funny things
  4. I promise not to [check e-mails while we’re eating together] –2/3 funny things
  5. I promise to [love you unreservedly] – 1 or 2 serious things

Have fun with it!

Planning a Wedding

Let’s face it:  who should have the final say about everything when planning a wedding? Is it the bride’s family, who may be bankrolling the affair? Or the professional (if you’re employing one), ie the wedding planner?

It pays to listen to advice – but it must be the bride who takes the ultimate decisions.

If that’s you, this is what you will need to consider.

Organisation

You must list what needs to be done – and by what time. You can buy a wedding book, or create one with a ring binder, say. Ensure you record names and contact details of suppliers.

You could do worse than download (forgive the plug!) my free “Wedding Countdown Checklist” (click here), and you’ll be well on the way.

Bridesmaids

You need to get on with this early in the process. Choose your maid (or matron) of honour; her main job will be to organise the bridesmaids and support you both emotionally and practically.

As for the bridesmaids themselves, you want people you can count on, so choose carefully.

Don’t forget you’ll later want to show your gratitude to them. It could be a gift presented at the reception or a lunch before the wedding.

Dress and Accessories

It’s also worth starting this process early (you ought to have placed your orders six or more months before the wedding). Your dress is the first priority. Then look for (if appropriate) veil, gloves, shoes, handbag, jewellery and undergarments. You may want to involve your maid of honour or a parent here.

You’ll need to decide on a hair and make-up stylist early. A good idea is to book a trial run a couple of months in advance of the wedding, as well as the ‘real thing’ on the day.

Other suppliers may book up quickly, so do your homework and act on your findings in good time.

You may want to have your engagement ring cleaned and even book a manicure.

Responsibility

Although, as I suggest, the final decisions will be down to you, there is no need to do everything yourself! Nor is there any sense in it, as burn-out would then be a real possibility.

So why not delegate (gently!)?

Your parents or in-laws may well appreciate being invited to participate. Drawing up the guest list is an obvious communal job. They might want to publish news of your engagement or your wedding in the newspaper. Maybe they can book a band for your reception.

Your bridesmaids may well enjoy being consulted about their dresses.

The groom can prove himself useful. (No, really!) Traditionally, he may take on buying the wedding rings, choosing the ushers and the best man (and their attire) and buying gifts for them. He may organise the registrars, the transport on the day, arrange to pay the celebrant and plan the honeymoon. So he needn’t get off that lightly!

In addition, at the start, you will surely visit the venue together. You may want to set the budget, discuss your ceremony, agree/write your vows, share thoughts on whom to invite and which gifts to put on the wedding list.

Your beloved may have contacts and might be able to help organise the catering, florist, photographer etc.

To sum up

The bottom line is: accept help and advice gracefully ; don’t try and do it all yourself; plan meticulously; be the final arbiter; and relish the whole process!

Wedding Count Down – twelve months

So you’ve got engaged – congratulations! But don’t sit back! It’s time to start the wedding count down.

There’s more to do than you’ll expect. To keep it as stress-free as possible, I recommend that you start planning at least a year before the event.

 

If you put things off, you’ll soon find that you’re under pressure – and possibly making the wrong decisions.

Don’t be impulsive, although you should go with your heart to quite a degree. Wherever possible, follow recommendations. Visit suppliers and certainly the venue, so you can get a feel for them. Take the opportunity to ask questions.

Here are some of the things to do:

As early as possible

  • Fix your budget
  • Decide on the type of ceremony you want (full religious; totally secular (Register Office); mainly religious, non-religious or part-religious (Civil Celebrant))
  • Book your venue
  • Book your florist, cakemaker, transport, caterers, musicians, entertainers, photographer/videographer
  • Book your minister, registrar and, of course, civil celebrant.
  • Draft a guest list
  • Choose your team (bridesmaids, ushers and Best Man)
  • Start looking for your wedding dress
  • Organise wedding insurance

 

Six months before

  • Buy your wedding rings
  • Buy your bridal lingerie and shoes (and wear them for dress fittings)
  • Book a hairdresser and make-up artist
  • Choose outfits for the groom, best man and ushers
  • Order your stationery
  • Book your honeymoon – check passports are valid. Do you need any vaccinations?

 

Three months before

  • Confirm ceremony details (including [celebrant] order of service and wedding music )
  • Send out invitations and gift list
  • Discuss menu and drinks with caterer
  • Have initial dress fitting
  • Buy gifts for Best Man, ushers and bridesmaids
  • Plan your hen/stag parties

 

My next blog will take you through the month before your wedding, so don’t miss it! However, if you can’t wait, why not e-mail me and I’ll gladly send you my Wedding Countdown Checklist, which will tell you everything in one document?

It’s your funeral

It’s your funeral

The “Funeral Service Times” carried an article about SunLife’s 2016 “Cost of Dying” report.  It emerged that funeral costs rose by 5.5% over the year. Apparently, the average cost of a funeral came to £3,897. However, if you factor in probate, flowers and a headstone, that sum rose to £8,802 per person.

It was even worse if you live in London. On average, a funeral here costs £5,529.

The best place to save some money is Northern Ireland! The average cost there was “only” £3,277.

Some 1,500 people were surveyed between April and May 2016. Many of these voiced their concerns at the outlay. Some 13% of those who had organised a funeral in the last four years said the expense had hit them hard. Of those people, 10% had had to sell belongings to finance the funeral, and 24% had deferred the payment by using a credit card.

Funeral celebrant - cemetery

Insure yourself

Many Funeral Directors offer a funeral plan. Simply expressed, you can pay for your funeral in your lifetime, and this will prove a good investment (unless you die before the costs have had time to rise!). They’ll be happy to talk to you about this.

Take control

An incredible 1% of those who had organised a funeral in the last four years said they were fully aware of the deceased’s wishes. 59% knew (at least) whether cremation or burial was the deceased’s preference. 37% knew which funeral director had been chosen. 22% had no idea what the deceased might have wanted at all.

Death is one of life’s few certainties, but it is remarkable how little we Brits discuss it. We feel uneasy talking about it, let alone, planning for it.

As a result, as we have seen, there can be financial issues when a loved one dies. More than that (judging by the above statistics), 99% of us have to make decisions about a loved one’s funeral without knowing if that is what the deceased would have wanted.

According to 95% of those who had to organise a funeral, knowing the preferences of the deceased made things much easier. However, almost of third of these have done nothing about their own end-of-life plans.

A solution

Many celebrants offer the possibility to write a personalised funeral during your lifetime. They will normally come to your home, talk over the various choices open to you, question you (in order to draw up a eulogy), give you a quote and then, if you accept, send you a draft ceremony for you to approve. (They can also conduct the ceremony on the day – availability allowing – if that is what you instruct.)

Note that there is no legal compulsion for your instructions to be followed. What you can do is to make sure your next-of-kin know your feelings (and can locate the service that has been written) – and it’s a good idea to discuss your feelings and intentions with them first. For example, if you opt for a green burial, you may not realise that there will be no memorial of any kind for them to visit.

If you do want to take control and also help your next-of-kin, have a word with a funeral celebrant. With good advice, he can put your mind at rest.