Planning A Wedding – There’s Always Another Approach

How difficult can planning a wedding be?

Well, don’t go asking that question to too many people!

Even if finances don’t enter into it (but they invariably do), you have so much to consider. Things like the venue, any theme you might be having, the reception, the dress, decoration, presents, catering, flowers, cakes, photographer, the guest list – it seems never-ending.

One thing people tend to overlook (or postpone) is the ceremony itself. In many cases, couples assume that the service must either be a full religious one or a register office ceremony.

You do not, however, need to put on that straight-jacket. In fact, you have a lot more choice than that. The only obligation you must comply with is to have your wedding legally documented. (This will normally be part of the full religious service.)

Another Approach

Not everyone is comfortable with a full religious service. Nor is it permitted for all, either. So what alternative is there, particularly if you want a personalised ceremony, which a register office service – or indeed, the church – won’t really offer?

You are quite welcome to celebrate your marriage wherever and however you wish (well, within reason!), once the registrars have done their bit. So you could go to the register office the day before your wedding in jeans, with two witnesses (remember to make an appointment first, though) to become legally married, and then appear at the venue of your choice, relaxed and happy, for what to all intents and purposes is your wedding. Then your celebrant can conduct the ceremony of your dreams that reflects your personalities and beliefs.

You can even have the celebrant-led ceremony directly after the registrars have left the room, if you want consecutive ceremonies.

Examples

This works particularly well for people of different religions who want at least a religious element, but cannot be married in their church/synagogue/mosque/temple etc. One ceremony I am conducting will include the bride’s mother, who is Russian, presenting icons and also bread to the couple. I have gladly  put Jewish rituals and blessings into several part-Jewish weddings.

Some people don’t want any religion really, but are keen to keep their families happy, so choose to include a few token elements – maybe a religious reading, prayer or blessing.

Others want their wedding to stand out, so they may incorporate religious – or pagan – elements that are, to say the least, unusual. For example, they might appreciate a Unity Sand ceremony. Each of the couple has a container of sand – one might be red, the other blue. Together, accompanied by suitable words spoken by the celebrant, they pour the contents of their container into a funnel, and the different sands merge in a third container (which the couple take home) to symbolise their new unity.

Some may choose a handfasting – partial or total (I talked about this in a recent blog).

The point is that you can work together with your celebrant and put together your ceremony. It’s your big day, and you should be able to celebrate it as you really want. Let it be perfect for you.

What’s a handfasting?

What’s a handfasting?

One of my favourite ceremonies, of all I have conducted, must be the handfasting wedding at Old Sarum iron age fort, overlooking Salisbury.

The weather turned out to be mild and dry –remarkable, considering that there had been serious flooding either side of the ceremony. The sun even came out on the lucky couple.

It was my first handfasting, and, to be honest, something I had never heard of until relatively recently. It turned out to be a moving and memorable occasion for all concerned, all the more interesting as a Pagan was marrying a half-Jew (with elements from both religions being included).

In my experience, few people have even heard of handfastings, so a word or two of explanation might not go amiss here.

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Just what is a handfasting?

A handfasting is a Celtic ceremony, which is a betrothal or wedding ritual in which the couple’s clasped hands are draped with a cord or ribbon while they hold hands. Their hands (or wrists, actually) are literally tied together. In the traditional version, hands are knotted together from 10 a.m. till midnight, which is certainly interesting, if only logistically!

Each partner holds the hands of the other (right hand to right; left to left) with their wrists crossed. The ribbon is wound around the wrists over the top of one and under and around the other, thus creating the infinity symbol.

Hence, “tying the knot” and “bonds of matrimony”!

What is its origin?

This ancient, Celtic, nature-related, spiritual tradition dates back to way before weddings took the form (legally and ritually) that they do today. It is a ceremony of commitment that was first recorded 4,000 years ago.

Who would choose this?

People who do not want a formal, conventional religious ceremony might well enjoy and appreciate this beautiful and meaningful ceremony. Some choose it, as did Anne and Ross, for their wedding; others, after saying their vows; and still others at a betrothal for one year and a day (like a trial period, at the end of which participants can decide whether or not to renew).

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Where can this take place?

Subject to permission, this ceremony can be held more or less anywhere, indoors or out. I can perform  handfastings in the inner circle at Stonehenge, but there are no shortages of alternative atmospheric venues, such as Old Sarum.

It is a refreshing and lovely ritual and deserves to be better known about.

A Ghoulish Wedding

A Ghoulish Wedding

Not everybody wants a conventional wedding!

I’ve put together, and officiated at, a few unusual ceremonies – atop an Iron Age fort, a handfasting, a house blessing … However, I have not had the pleasure of conducting a ghoulish one!

Of course, with Halloween approaching, my thoughts have turned to things that go bump in the night, the Undead and nasties in general.

Would anyone want to adopt a Halloween theme for the biggest day of their life, though?

Well, evidently the answer is “yes”. It certainly happens. Gothic weddings are not uncommon. And “jumping the broom”, using a witch’s besom, is really quite popular (although probably unrelated to witches, in truth!)

Barn Wedding 2

But why would you want to have a ghoulish theme?

A growing number of people nowadays don’t see why a wedding should be regarded as a merely solemn affair. They want to include humour (to reflect their own personality), and their choice of music can be eclectic, to say the least. They wish to choose their venue, and that might be quite way-out (literally too!) – under water, in a hot-air balloon, on a mountain top, wherever your imagination might take you.

Source: www.telegraph.co.uk

So why not choose unconventional themes for your wedding? You can go with Star Wars or Elvis, or wherever your imagination suggests. Such a theme will bring smiles to the faces of all but the most dyed-in-the-wool sourpusses; it’s a peephole into both your personalities. Why not extend it to the Dark Side, if that’s what turns you both on?

Notice, by the way, that I say “both”. Whatever you do, don’t try and surprise your partner on a subject as big as this!

The important thing to realise is that you are not restricted to a religious wedding in a church, say, if you don’t want it. You almost certainly won’t be allowed a themed wedding at the registrars’ service. However, you can have your theme at a civil celebrant-led ceremony, and, depending how serious etc. you want to be, you may be able to combine it with elements from other cultures etc. Remember that it is your big day, and your wishes should be paramount.

Well, it seems to be growing light – time for me to get back into my coffin. Hope I’ve given you some food for thought and that I may be allowed out to join you in late 2016, and we can share your Halloween wedding together!

The language of love

The language of love

I am beginning to learn that it doesn’t really pay to hide one’s light under a bushel.

Parlez-vous mariage?

People think of me as a civil celebrant, but I am also a linguist. Apart from a decent command of my native language, I have a degree in French and Russian, speak fluent German, read Hebrew and get by in Czech and Italian.

Being the sort of businessman that I am, it never occurred to me until recently that that might be an asset to my current profession! But now I know differently.

One of my present assignments is working on a wedding service for a couple from mixed cultures: he is British, but she is Russian. There will be a few guests coming over from Magnetogorsk, so I suggested welcoming them in their native language. Wow! This idea has gone down a treat!

Well, when you think about it, it makes sense. Of course, I’ll have to work out how best to market this asset, as the language bit may appeal to quite a number of couples. Indeed, maybe this would lead to a few ‘gigs’ abroad, which would be very exciting!

A Mystery?

The Hebrew side proved very useful last August when I conducted a Jewish wedding. No, I am not a rabbi; in fact, the couple’s rabbi was among the guests and (I’m relieved to say!) he professed himself very happy with my service.

Michelle & MujoPhotos: Philippa Gedge Photography

In case you’re a bit baffled, let me explain that the groom was marrying a non-Jewess, who, though a regular synagogue-attendee, had no desire to convert, so the rabbi couldn’t conduct the ceremony. I was therefore approached to put together and lead the ceremony.

In the event, I led a (slightly creative) service, containing some elements I had suggested and some the couple had included.

As that bushel has now been removed, I’d like to conclude with the testimonial I received from the couple for that wedding:

“Michael Gordon conducted a Jewish religious wedding ceremony for us immediately following our civil wedding ceremony. Michael was very receptive to our input and the whole process was smooth and pleasant. On our wedding day, Michael impressed everyone with his delivery, warmth, good humour and professionalism. We had many comments afterwards from our guests saying how impressed they were with Michael and how they felt a part of the ceremony (something that was important for us and which Michael helped us to achieve).

“Michael is happy to tailor a ceremony to meet a couple’s particular requirements. His knowledge of Hebrew is both impressive and authentic. We would certainly recommend Michael to any couple who want to add a spiritual or religious element to their wedding celebrations without necessarily having something formal in a church or synagogue.”

C’est magnifique!

Writing Your Vows

I am occasionally asked to write clients’ vows for them. Of course, I oblige, but I much prefer to guide them, and let them do it themselves. Each relationship is unique, and the vows should be too (although, of course, it’s fine for ideas to be borrowed).

The reason is simple. The vows are (or should be) so personal – they are publicly-made promises that really matter (or should!). They are wishes for your and your intended’s future. They are your thoughts and feelings.

(Incidentally, it’s a good exercise to do even if you’re not getting married – simply stopping to acknowledge what your loved one brings to your relationship.)

Purpose

At one level, this public declaration is a wonderful way to start your marriage off. The composing can be a moving and rewarding time for the couple, and the public recitation can be really inspiring (often also to the guests).

You won’t get the chance to do anything as personal as this at a conventional wedding (religious or register office), so this will be a stand-out moment for you and your guests.

As a celebrant, I sometimes offer a wine box ceremony. Along with a favourite bottle of wine (for example), you could put a copy of both your vows into a chest and lock it until an agreed time (one year, five years – or if your marriage (perish the thought!) is on the rocks).

At any rate, make sure you keep a copy afterwards.

Composition

The vow section can be romantic It doesn’t have to be, though, if that’s not ‘your thing’, although you must still manage to say something nice about your loved one and your future life together. You can borrow lyrics from poems and even contemporary songs to get your message across.

It doesn’t have to be beautifully-crafted – or too lengthy (in fact, one minute will probably be ample).

All this doesn’t mean the vows can’t be funny – indeed, if they reflect your personality and ideals, that’s all to the good – but they should be well-prepared and practised. Even if there are moments of humour, the words – and how you say them – are what really count.

Humour

Don’t mistake rudeness or lack of respect for humour. Remember that you are making a public declaration, and the last thing you want to invite is misunderstanding or offence.

The humour has got to be natural and truly funny (and, as I have said, only be a part of a sincere, serious whole).

A good idea is to try the vows out in front of a well-meaning but potentially critical friend, who can listen to the vows and suggest what may and what may not work .

Practice

You want to use words which are natural to you. It’s bad enough that you may be nervous when delivering your vows (although you may enjoy the experience far more than you expect!); what you don’t want is to sound artificial and forced.

Delivery

It would be lovely, if you delivered your vows while looking into your loved one’s eyes. In the real world, memory is an issue and it is more likely that you either repeat what the celebrant reads out or, better, read off a 3 x 5 card. Remember, you can read a bit and make eye contact too, and, if you have rehearsed it, you’ll remember a lot of your ‘script’.

Conclusion

By all means, ask your civil celebrant to help you, but do what you can to make this intimate moment really yours, and work hard – as it merits – so that you can carry it off with sincerity and even a little panache, so that it becomes a highlight of your ceremony – and perhaps a guiding-light for the rest of your life together.

 

 

5 Hints for Planning Your Wedding

5 Hints for Planning Your Wedding

Of course, you are looking to create your perfect day. Well, many elements will go towards the completed whole, but you really need to take account of at least these five points when planning your wedding.

  1. The budget

Obviously, this is the most important factor. You have to work together with anyone who is helping you here (probably your family?), and decide rationally what you will spend. It’s no good getting carried away with enthusiasm – you need self-discipline.

Big as the occasion may be, you do not want to bankrupt yourselves. And remember that the amount spent does not guarantee the success of the marriage!

The event is (or should be) a commitment ceremony; it should not be an attempt to show off how rich or extravagant you are. Should the reception really mean more than the vows?

Good taste and sincerity are more important.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a few OTT touches (budget permitting), but that should be a bonus rather than the intention. There are probably certain elements that you will insist on, and it’s as well to discuss these at the outset, so that they aren’t overlooked later.

The budget will also dictate the ceremony, participants, reception and number of guests to invite, but that is something I cover elsewhere, notably in my book “Your Wedding Guide”.

married couple in stately home - 12

  1. Date & location

Naturally, it will be more expensive to schedule your wedding at peak times (such as summer holidays, Christmas or around Valentine’s Day). You may want to avoid major events, such as World Cups and holiday season, when your potential guests may be otherwise engaged.

You’ll need to consider climate too, if you want an outdoor wedding.

The venue should (as far as possible) be the place of your dreams, but if it’s in an exotic location, your guests may have to go to a lot of expense and trouble to attend, so keep that in mind.

  1. Other Suppliers

As soon as you have settled on your budget, start discussing suppliers that you may need. Like the venue, which may require a year or more’s warning, you should allow plenty of time, in order to secure the supplier of your choice.

Among others, you will need to consider florists, caterers, dressmakers, musicians and, not least, celebrant. Where possible, you should meet with these first, so you can feel confident you have made the right choices. All that takes time, so allow for that.

  1. Choosing theme and colours

It’s easy to get excited and let your imagination run away with your wallet. Keep your budget in mind, use wedding books and planning guides and whatever resources are available to you.

Do not over-decorate, but make full use of flowers and candles.

Be creative with the colours. These may reflect the bride’s personality. Vivid colours (tastefully combined) can be most effective.

      5. Vows and music

The vows are one of the most important elements of a marriage. They should be well-planned – and audible. They are a public declaration of your mutual feelings, and should not be under-estimated.
Equally, the music should be planned carefully and be clearly audible. Make sure you choose lyrics that you really want, as they will be publicised to all your guests.

 

Hopefully, the planning will be a team effort (maybe the groom will be willing and able to participate!). If approached in the right way, it will be enjoyable and exciting, and so, so worthwhile. Do think about my book “Your Wedding Guide“, which takes you by the hand and helps you to get things right.