When Special becomes Extra-Special

When Special becomes Extra-Special

Looking for a special ceremony?

As a civil celebrant, if I’m doing my job properly, the ceremonies I put together and conduct will be special. (Usually for the right reasons too!) However, sometimes expectations are exceeded!

Early this year I was invited to conduct a ceremony for an American couple marking thirty years of marriage. They wanted a handfasting – that’s quite special – for 21st June (Summer Solstice) – even more so – and the venue they had chosen was Stonehenge (now we’re really talking “special”!).

The problem was we were too late to book the inner circle. We could do the ceremony outside the circle, where the public are allowed, but we were warned to expect vast crowds. My Americans accepted all this, and, after some negotiation, we fixed a time.

On an impulse, I checked with Stonehenge a couple of weeks before the ceremony. It turns out that they had changed the arrangements totally! The whole of Stonehenge would be closed from 8 a.m. (yes, in the morning!) for the entire day. So our ceremony was out of the window.

Fortunately, K and M were sufficiently flexible, and we arranged to meet at Stonehenge late in the morning of the following day (22nd). What would the day bring?

Well, fortunately, although it rained hard the day before and there were dramatic downpours the evening of our visit, we escaped any extreme weather. That was already a cause for celebration!

However, we hadn’t bargained for a procession of white-clad Druids in the inner circle, and they made a fascinating backdrop to our event. We also drew quite a crowd ourselves (as anticipated), who loved the ceremony and whose good wishes added so much.

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Finally, K, M and I really gelled, and the atmosphere was just wonderful. They told me that the ceremony was perfect and everything they had been hoping for; I’m delighted to say that, despite the unpromising lead-up, the ceremony turned out to be extra-special for me too.

I’m game for more like that, if anyone else you know is!

Managing Marriage Stress

My job is to marry people. My ceremonies usually include advice and suggestions for making the marriage a success. How much the couples remember of my words, especially with all the other big day distractions, I don’t know, but at least they will have the wedding script that I send them, and there may be a video. Thus they are able to revisit my words.

So what do I, a civil celebrant, know about marriage, successful or otherwise?

I have gleaned quite a lot of experience from my own marriage (we are approaching 20 years together) as well as those of my circle. I do see a number of my friends in unhappy or broken marriages. I read a lot. And I know that there are plenty of statistics that bear out the truism that you have to work at marriage.

I’d like to look at one area that can certainly damage a marriage.

 

Stress

A marriage can be damaged by jealousy, finances, differing life styles, health issues, sex, in-laws, infidelity … the list goes on.

How should you react to stresses like these?

One surprising answer is to take care of yourself.

If you are going to address your relationship issues with clarity, you need your mental and intuitive faculties to be in balance.

You also need to be aware that you are part of a two-way relationship.

Solutions

The habit of meditation can produce a calmer mind-set. Another useful thing is taking time-out. “I don’t want to react stupidly, so I’m leaving the room for a moment to think about my reply.” Ten seconds out before riposting, can be very valuable.

In more serious cases, you need to be able to manage your reactions. Keeping calm and being reasonable (rather than flying off the handle unthinkingly) can be so beneficial. Discussion, give and take, listening to the other are all techniques that can help resolve crises successfully.

Sometimes there may be a problem that is (inadvertently, or not) of your causing, and if it can be acknowledged, it will be easier to resolve. Often there is a major misunderstanding, which, once expressed, becomes trivial.

If you’re upset with your partner, your tendency may be to avoid him/her, but it can be useful (particularly if you share a pastime) to spend some more time together. I don’t mean sitting in the same room, posting on FaceBook or playing electronic games, but doing things where you interact. You may have to schedule actual dates, but showing your partner that they are a priority can only be to the good.

Remember that it is so much easier to talk to and understand your partner when you are calm and centered.

You have the tools and skills to handle whatever may transpire in your relationship, and this should give you the confidence that you can enjoy a happy, long-term marriage. Combine it with love, and you will have every reason to anticipate a wonderful marriage!

Introvert Weddings

On your wedding day, you can’t avoid being the centre of attention. That’s as it should be, of course, but for an introvert, it can make life very difficult indeed.

An introvert prefers remaining in the background, doesn’t relish small talk and likes the quiet. None of these are staple constituents of the average wedding!

Of course, your celebrant will help you through it, but are there some strategies you can employ to reduce the stress?

Easing the Pressure

Let’s start at the planning stage.

You don’t have to have a huge, ostentatious affair. Why not arrange a sunset ceremony on a beach, or even a gathering in a back garden? A small occasion can often be thoroughly memorable and enjoyable, so don’t feel you can’t opt for a more modest event.

Try and keep fellow-planners to a minimum (well-meaning as others may be) . Sure, you’ll need advice, but it’s your day. Too many voices will just cause you needless stress.

Rehearsing

If you’re going for a bigger bash, an idea is to go to the venue beforehand with your partner. Whether it’s a church or a hotel (say), just walk down the aisle together and get a feel for what it will be like. You’ll be surprised how helpful that can be.

A Prequel

Odd as it may seem, a lunch or dinner the day before with a number of family members and/or friends will help. If they can chat with you then, it will reduce the pressure on the big day, as there’ll then be fewer people demanding your attention.

Attendants

Bridesmaids and the like entail dresses, hairdressing, delegated jobs, etc., and that can be stressful.

It may be easier to reduce the number of these. That will reduce the tension beforehand, and fewer attendants will mean it will be a bit more peaceful in your retreat just before the off.

Ensure that the attendants you choose will field requests, make introductions and organise people on the day (which might otherwise prove overwhelming for you). (Of course, a wedding planner/co-ordinator can do this job too.)

On the Day

If your partner is an extrovert, ask him/her to take the limelight, making small-talk and thanking everyone for coming.

Escape

As you crave quiet, maybe you can schedule some time away from the whirl and have a little quiet time to recharge your batteries. Maybe it’s just a few minutes in the powder room, or perhaps you and your beloved have a room in the venue and you can ‘take five’ there.

If you allow yourself to recover, you will get through the day more easily.

The reception

A nice idea is for the newly-weds to be seated at a table with their attendants (and partners), rather than on a ‘top table’, where they are inevitably the centre of attention.

Rest

The day before the wedding, you should allow serious downtime for pampering, so that you are at your best for the day. Also consider deferring the honeymoon a while. Ideally, go a couple of days after your wedding, as you’ll want to recover, so you can get the most out of your trip. You’ll be surprised how much the nervous energy etc. will drain you.

Conclusion

Remember that your wedding will (presumably!) be a one-off occasion – perhaps the only time you’ll have so many family and friends from both sides together. People will be on your side, surrounding you with love and goodwill. Don’t fight it, but allow yourself to absorb the atmosphere and revel in it.

It may well turn out to be a lot easier and more wonderful than you expected.

 

 

A second wedding ceremony

A second wedding ceremony

Why on earth would you contemplate a second wedding ceremony?!

It often happens that people aren’t able to attend a wedding. Any of illness, injury, infirmity or travel problems may play their part. Or, possibly, a major commitment that can’t be changed will mean missing the event.

The wedding may be a destination wedding or be held in a constricted space, so guests are necessarily limited.

So what about those who cannot attend, but would have liked to?

Solutions

Of course, there may possibly be live streaming or perhaps the event will be made available on video for later viewing. However, these are not really the same as being present at the event.

To deal with this situation, a lot of people nowadays are arranging blessings or a second wedding ceremony, usually civil. So, for example, a couple may fly out with a few close friends and family to a Greek island, and actually get married there. Then they come back to their home area and hold a ceremony (in a hotel, back garden or restaurant, for example).

What does the ceremony consist of?

Your civil celebrant will be able to give you tips and, of course, will go with what you have decided, so there’s a wide range of possibilities.

 

The event can be staged like a ‘real’ wedding – so the bride may wear a white wedding gown, and there may be a ring blessing, recitation of vows and other elements. It can be quite formal and even include a (not legally valid) certificate-signing (mainly, a photo opportunity, but also a lovely souvenir); there may be elements of a traditional wedding mixed with rituals that can be fun or more spiritual; and then, it may stretch to the totally informal, and include, say, texts and music that the couple really like. Again, there may be any degree of religiosity.

At a second wedding ceremony

The couple will be able to choose rituals (if they wish), like ‘jumping the broom’, readings and the participants.

They will be able to hold a creative, memorable, moving ceremony that reflects who they are, what they believe and is everything that want it to be, in front of all those guests who couldn’t make the original ceremony. That’s pretty exciting – and the ceremony may be every bit as wonderful as the actual wedding.

How great is that!

 

Personal Wedding Vows

I bet you’ve heard these wedding vows before – at a wedding, real or televised:

“I, X, take thee, Y, to be my lawful, wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. This is my solemn vow.”

This traditional text covers the ground well, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s quite easy to affirm vows that someone else has written (and that’s not meant as a criticism – it’s a fact of life). It will certainly be a challenge to improve on them.

However, for such a solemn and significant moment, wouldn’t it mean so much more if you came out with something unique, something that you yourself had written?

Well, of course, there are pros and cons to consider.

 

Reasons to think twice

  • You may not see the point of trying to improve on something already good.
  • You may be far from being the greatest writer in the world.
  • You may dread public speaking, not least at an occasion as massive as this.
  • Saying lovey-dovey things is hard enough face-to-face, let alone in public!

 

Reasons to embrace the idea

  • The important thing to realise is that, by writing and reciting your own vows, you are acknowledging the step you are both taking, and showing that you are not trivialising your relationship.
  • The mere effort involved in writing your vows and in reading them out publicly shows and confirms your commitment.
  • It is also something your guests will love and appreciate – and so, indeed, might your partner!

 

How you can achieve this

There’s nothing to stop you receiving help when you write your vows. You can use (or, preferably, adapt) somebody else’s vows (whether from true-life or fiction). You may bounce a few ideas off a more literary-minded friend or relative. You can also practise reading your vows to them and gain from constructive criticism.

When you read your vows on the day, try and make at least occasional eye contact with your partner (and you should direct your vows to him/her anyway). Control your nerves, if you are able, and ensure you read slowly and clearly (people will really want to hear what you are saying).

 

One example

This is what one partner wrote (with minimal editing on my part!) for a lovely same-sex wedding that I conducted:

“I am truly and utterly blessed to have found you, my love. You show me love that exceeds my expectations and grows daily even on what we might call a bad day.

“So from this day on:

“I promise to always give you my all in every way,

“I ask you to accept my flaws, as I know I’m not perfect.

“I promise to be patient, respectful and caring.

“I promise to be your partner in everything, even in crime.

“I promise to be faithful, honest and mindful of your heart.

“I promise to always be myself the woman you fell in love with

“And with that I take you, XY, as my wife and my equal.”

There could be any number of criticisms you could level at this piece of work. Should this bride be offering to be a partner “even in crime”? The piece does not rank as “high literature” and the syntax is not that great.

But if you’re looking for sincerity, it hits the nail right on the head! This bride has clearly done much thinking and is clear in her mind what she will bring to the marriage table. She is more than willing to affirm publicly what she will do to make the marriage work, and, simply and clearly – and rather charmingly – has done so.

You can even include a bit of humour (“I promise to catch and remove all garden spiders that come into our home.”), but only do this, if you are reasonably sure you can carry it off.

So don’t be afraid of going for something that is hard work (attainable, but hard work). Public speaking can be wonderful (with the right support – and your celebrant will be able to help you). The results will be so worthwhile – master your self-doubt and nerves, and you will be amazed at the difference your personal vows will make.

And, don’t forget, when your partner has returned the favour, you will always have those vows to throw back at him/her , if he/she happens to show signs of sliding! A powerful weapon!

Welcome to Summer

Welcome to Summer

So it’s the unofficial start of summer tomorrow?

As I write, the wind is blowing wildly, the rain lashing down and the temperature is nothing to write home about. Plus ca change?

If you are planning an outdoor ceremony, it pays to be a gambler, especially in this country.

What do you do if you end up with weather like today’s? Obviously, you’ll need to have considered a Plan B.

Plan B

There may not be many options, if you’re celebrating a ceremony at the seaside, up a mountain or at Stonehenge (which is notoriously exposed), but there are a few things that can be done.

I’m doing a handfasting at Stonehenge this midsummer’s day. I am expecting extremes of climate, so I’ll be bringing a couple of golfing umbrellas and either or both of sunscreen or a hat. (I’ll leave my decision about pullovers and the like till the day!)

After the event

If you’re holding an outdoor ceremony at a “safer” location, such outside a barn, you may be able to arrange beforehand that there are umbrellas (or parasols) available. You also ought to consider arranging for jugs of water and paper cups to be at hand, in case the weather lives up to the billing of “summery”.

You may also have to think about supplying fold-up chairs, especially if you are expecting a number of older or disabled guests.

Access

Another potential problem is access. How to guests find the venue, especially if it’s in deepest Nature? (Is parking going to be adequate? Do joining instructions include satnav instructions? What about toilets?) You’ll need to be really precise about meeting times and places. It might also be worth advising guests about wearing sensible clothes/shoes, not least if access may be, for example, through a boggy field or up a stony path.

If you’re having a reception afterwards, you’ll need to ensure that directions are clear. (You may also need to warn the venue that timings can’t be guaranteed.)

Audibility

Another factor that you will have to think about – or your civil celebrant may be able to help you with – is the acoustics. If you’re outdoors, you may have to contend with aircraft, neighbours mowing their lawn, the crashing of breakers on the sea, or the like.

As people are going to want to hear every word being pronounced, you are going to think seriously about lay-out. Presumably, you won’t have a sound system up Ben Nevis, or wherever, so the celebrant will need to be able to project his voice loudly and clearly. Guests will also want to be able to hear any words/vows that you may be uttering.

Weighing it all up

It’s simpler and safer to hold an indoor ceremony. An outdoor one risks being memorable for the wrong reasons (“Do you remember X’s wedding, when we all got deluged/when the candles blew away/when we all got sunstroke?”).

However, if you’re prepared to take a risk or two (and consider what to do, if things don’t quite go to plan), an outdoor ceremony can be utterly special and fabulous.

What will you opt for?