A second wedding ceremony

A second wedding ceremony

Why on earth would you contemplate a second wedding ceremony?!

It often happens that people aren’t able to attend a wedding. Any of illness, injury, infirmity or travel problems may play their part. Or, possibly, a major commitment that can’t be changed will mean missing the event.

The wedding may be a destination wedding or be held in a constricted space, so guests are necessarily limited.

So what about those who cannot attend, but would have liked to?

Solutions

Of course, there may possibly be live streaming or perhaps the event will be made available on video for later viewing. However, these are not really the same as being present at the event.

To deal with this situation, a lot of people nowadays are arranging blessings or a second wedding ceremony, usually civil. So, for example, a couple may fly out with a few close friends and family to a Greek island, and actually get married there. Then they come back to their home area and hold a ceremony (in a hotel, back garden or restaurant, for example).

What does the ceremony consist of?

Your civil celebrant will be able to give you tips and, of course, will go with what you have decided, so there’s a wide range of possibilities.

 

The event can be staged like a ‘real’ wedding – so the bride may wear a white wedding gown, and there may be a ring blessing, recitation of vows and other elements. It can be quite formal and even include a (not legally valid) certificate-signing (mainly, a photo opportunity, but also a lovely souvenir); there may be elements of a traditional wedding mixed with rituals that can be fun or more spiritual; and then, it may stretch to the totally informal, and include, say, texts and music that the couple really like. Again, there may be any degree of religiosity.

At a second wedding ceremony

The couple will be able to choose rituals (if they wish), like ‘jumping the broom’, readings and the participants.

They will be able to hold a creative, memorable, moving ceremony that reflects who they are, what they believe and is everything that want it to be, in front of all those guests who couldn’t make the original ceremony. That’s pretty exciting – and the ceremony may be every bit as wonderful as the actual wedding.

How great is that!

 

Personal Wedding Vows

I bet you’ve heard these wedding vows before – at a wedding, real or televised:

“I, X, take thee, Y, to be my lawful, wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. This is my solemn vow.”

This traditional text covers the ground well, wouldn’t you agree?

It’s quite easy to affirm vows that someone else has written (and that’s not meant as a criticism – it’s a fact of life). It will certainly be a challenge to improve on them.

However, for such a solemn and significant moment, wouldn’t it mean so much more if you came out with something unique, something that you yourself had written?

Well, of course, there are pros and cons to consider.

 

Reasons to think twice

  • You may not see the point of trying to improve on something already good.
  • You may be far from being the greatest writer in the world.
  • You may dread public speaking, not least at an occasion as massive as this.
  • Saying lovey-dovey things is hard enough face-to-face, let alone in public!

 

Reasons to embrace the idea

  • The important thing to realise is that, by writing and reciting your own vows, you are acknowledging the step you are both taking, and showing that you are not trivialising your relationship.
  • The mere effort involved in writing your vows and in reading them out publicly shows and confirms your commitment.
  • It is also something your guests will love and appreciate – and so, indeed, might your partner!

 

How you can achieve this

There’s nothing to stop you receiving help when you write your vows. You can use (or, preferably, adapt) somebody else’s vows (whether from true-life or fiction). You may bounce a few ideas off a more literary-minded friend or relative. You can also practise reading your vows to them and gain from constructive criticism.

When you read your vows on the day, try and make at least occasional eye contact with your partner (and you should direct your vows to him/her anyway). Control your nerves, if you are able, and ensure you read slowly and clearly (people will really want to hear what you are saying).

 

One example

This is what one partner wrote (with minimal editing on my part!) for a lovely same-sex wedding that I conducted:

“I am truly and utterly blessed to have found you, my love. You show me love that exceeds my expectations and grows daily even on what we might call a bad day.

“So from this day on:

“I promise to always give you my all in every way,

“I ask you to accept my flaws, as I know I’m not perfect.

“I promise to be patient, respectful and caring.

“I promise to be your partner in everything, even in crime.

“I promise to be faithful, honest and mindful of your heart.

“I promise to always be myself the woman you fell in love with

“And with that I take you, XY, as my wife and my equal.”

There could be any number of criticisms you could level at this piece of work. Should this bride be offering to be a partner “even in crime”? The piece does not rank as “high literature” and the syntax is not that great.

But if you’re looking for sincerity, it hits the nail right on the head! This bride has clearly done much thinking and is clear in her mind what she will bring to the marriage table. She is more than willing to affirm publicly what she will do to make the marriage work, and, simply and clearly – and rather charmingly – has done so.

You can even include a bit of humour (“I promise to catch and remove all garden spiders that come into our home.”), but only do this, if you are reasonably sure you can carry it off.

So don’t be afraid of going for something that is hard work (attainable, but hard work). Public speaking can be wonderful (with the right support – and your celebrant will be able to help you). The results will be so worthwhile – master your self-doubt and nerves, and you will be amazed at the difference your personal vows will make.

And, don’t forget, when your partner has returned the favour, you will always have those vows to throw back at him/her , if he/she happens to show signs of sliding! A powerful weapon!

Welcome to Summer

Welcome to Summer

So it’s the unofficial start of summer tomorrow?

As I write, the wind is blowing wildly, the rain lashing down and the temperature is nothing to write home about. Plus ca change?

If you are planning an outdoor ceremony, it pays to be a gambler, especially in this country.

What do you do if you end up with weather like today’s? Obviously, you’ll need to have considered a Plan B.

Plan B

There may not be many options, if you’re celebrating a ceremony at the seaside, up a mountain or at Stonehenge (which is notoriously exposed), but there are a few things that can be done.

I’m doing a handfasting at Stonehenge this midsummer’s day. I am expecting extremes of climate, so I’ll be bringing a couple of golfing umbrellas and either or both of sunscreen or a hat. (I’ll leave my decision about pullovers and the like till the day!)

After the event

If you’re holding an outdoor ceremony at a “safer” location, such outside a barn, you may be able to arrange beforehand that there are umbrellas (or parasols) available. You also ought to consider arranging for jugs of water and paper cups to be at hand, in case the weather lives up to the billing of “summery”.

You may also have to think about supplying fold-up chairs, especially if you are expecting a number of older or disabled guests.

Access

Another potential problem is access. How to guests find the venue, especially if it’s in deepest Nature? (Is parking going to be adequate? Do joining instructions include satnav instructions? What about toilets?) You’ll need to be really precise about meeting times and places. It might also be worth advising guests about wearing sensible clothes/shoes, not least if access may be, for example, through a boggy field or up a stony path.

If you’re having a reception afterwards, you’ll need to ensure that directions are clear. (You may also need to warn the venue that timings can’t be guaranteed.)

Audibility

Another factor that you will have to think about – or your civil celebrant may be able to help you with – is the acoustics. If you’re outdoors, you may have to contend with aircraft, neighbours mowing their lawn, the crashing of breakers on the sea, or the like.

As people are going to want to hear every word being pronounced, you are going to think seriously about lay-out. Presumably, you won’t have a sound system up Ben Nevis, or wherever, so the celebrant will need to be able to project his voice loudly and clearly. Guests will also want to be able to hear any words/vows that you may be uttering.

Weighing it all up

It’s simpler and safer to hold an indoor ceremony. An outdoor one risks being memorable for the wrong reasons (“Do you remember X’s wedding, when we all got deluged/when the candles blew away/when we all got sunstroke?”).

However, if you’re prepared to take a risk or two (and consider what to do, if things don’t quite go to plan), an outdoor ceremony can be utterly special and fabulous.

What will you opt for?

 

 

The Venue of Your Dreams

The Venue of Your Dreams

So you’re planning a major event – a wedding or vow renewal, perhaps? Where do you want to hold it? At home? In church? At a hotel? In town or in the country? Or at a venue that’s a little more wacky?

Of course, budget is going to enter into it, as will your personal preferences. Maybe you just want a modest family affair, with a few select friends. Or maybe money is no object for this (hopefully!) once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

So forgive me for not being prescriptive, but at least I can give you a few ideas and set your creative juices flowing.

Correen & Steve Farnborough Canal Centre

Practicalities

Before letting your imagination take wing, bear in mind the following:

  • Venues tend to get booked about a year beforehand
  • Ensure you visit your venue, have a good look (does the atmosphere delight you?) and ask the event planner lots of questions (are the answers what you want to hear?)
  • What is the transport situation of the venue (if you’re having a church service first, how easy will it be to get to the venue and park?)
  • If the venue is outdoors, make sure you get permission, and be prepared for the unpredictable!

Conventional ideas

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing a conventional venue – why seek out complexity and potential problems? You can still make the day unique, for example, with a wonderful civil ceremony.

A back garden can make a lovely setting (beware health and safety issues and have a Plan B, in case of inclement weather). There will be extra stress, if you are handling the catering yourselves, but that is another subject!

Many people choose a hotel or restaurant. (If it’s a restaurant, make sure you have the place to yourselves, especially if you’re having speeches etc.) The registrars will come in , if it’s a licensed venue. If not (then you will have been down to the register office already), you can have a tailor-made civil ceremony/blessing etc. at the venue afterwards. This should be no problem, as long as you arrange it in good time.

More Creative ideas

The world is potentially your oyster, but when you get inspiration, don’t be blinded by excitement! If you like the idea of getting married on the seashore, sit down first and think about things such as transport, weather, refreshments and access. You don’t have to curb your enthusiasm too much, but you don’t want to be facing up to regrets at a later stage.

If you’re looking for ideas in the UK, you may choose something that fits in with your hobbies. I officiated at one ceremony at the Basingstoke Canal Centre. It might not have been everybody’s choice, but it was just perfect for the particular couple.

Stately homes and castles may all provide unforgettable settings (at a price!), and then there are places like a pod on the London Eye, or at an attraction such as a zoo or aquarium, or museum. You might be able to arrange a special bus or train.

Outdoors, there’s plenty to choose from: what about the inner circle at Stonehenge or an iron age fort like Old Sarum? Perhaps you fancy a forest clearing, a mountain top or something more exotic, like abseiling down Ben Nevis? (I’m not sure you can do that, but it’s just a thought!)

So before taking wing, plant your feet on the ground! Do consider the practicalities BEFORE jumping headlong into what appears a wonderful, novel, unique adventure.

Be prepared to be guided by professionals (event planners, civil celebrants, etc.), but then go where your fancy takes you and really have the day of your dreams!

 

Coming Together at a Funeral

Coming Together at a Funeral

The best that can usually be said about a death is that “it was a release” or “X had a wonderful death”. (One example of the latter in my experience was a nonagenarian who died on the beach in Tenerife by the side of his girl-friend!)

Be that as it may, a funeral is normally a time when you expect the family and friends to rally round. Mind you, as a civil celebrant, I’ve known some exceptions.

In one case, one sister decided not to forward my draft funeral to her brother (so that he would have no input)! In another instance, one brother simply vetoed whatever his siblings proposed. (We only got that funeral approved the afternoon before the ceremony!)  And one son never even showed up to his mother’s funeral (as he had seen the will and knew he would be inheriting …!)

However, in the vast majority of cases, there is a sympathetic coming-together of folk. Sometimes people come from a very long way to show solidarity.

If it’s not to be a set religious ceremony, the closest kin of the deceased are normally invited to contribute to the planning of the service. The civil celebrant can explain what is required and offer guidance, especially as the family member(s) may be feeling very vulnerable and confused (although there is a wide range of emotions they may be experiencing).

A lot of people find discussing the eulogy surprisingly enjoyable. It’s certainly an outlet for releasing a few feelings, and not everything that is mentioned needs to be included in the final reckoning. However, trawling up those stories and memories can be very therapeutic.

The service itself is likely to be a difficult time for many people (and shows of emotion – or lack of it – can often take people by surprise). However, there is usually comfort to be found from being surrounded by sympathetic relatives and friends.

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A reception (or even a wake) is common, and that can take various forms. It may just be some sandwiches and drinks (whether alcoholic or otherwise); however, there may be mementos of the deceased (often photo albums and the like). The deceased will be a good starting-point for conversation (so everybody has one thing in common, at least). Once the channels of communication are open, the reception can turn into a genuine social event.

Circumstances dictate that some deaths are far harder to accept than others, but those who attend a funeral often find that the whole occasion has been cathartic – and , in a way, even enjoyable.

So, much good frequently comes from what is a sad rite of passage.