Marriage Mishaps

Let me not mislead you! “Marriage mishaps” do not mean marriages that break down. Rather, I am referring to mishaps that occur at weddings.

 

 

A few examples

The idea for this blog came yesterday, when I arrived an hour early to conduct a wedding in Enfield. Smoke was billowing from a courtyard at the venue, and the fire brigade had to be summoned. Obviously, nobody was allowed into the building, which potentially affected my preparations, as well as the caterers’ and sound operator’s etc.

The firemen were soon on the scene. (Fortunately, nobody was injured and minimal damage incurred.) However, it was almost time for the ceremony to begin before they cleared us to enter. I had started making arrangements for an impromptu open-air ceremony (it was a lovely afternoon), but I wasn’t sure how well older people would react, if there were no chairs available.

Fortunately, it never came to that.

Have I witnessed other mishaps in my four year plus career as a celebrant?

I’ve probably been lucky, but I can only think of two real misadventures.

One came when the Best Man had to attend a job interview, and then got caught in serious traffic on the M25. Explanations were offered, and most people were not averse to having a drink or two earlier than they had bargained for! No real hardship there, even though we started 1.5 hours late!

I don’t really count this, but the bride came late to a wedding in Brixton. Nothing new, surely? However, apparently she was punctual to a fault. Her driver had got lost, and, and could not be contacted (broadband problems). The groom was beginning to sweat, as he believed he was being dumped at the altar, but madam burst in about half an hour late.

Otherwise, at one of my first weddings, the groom turned up very early (as did I). When I asked in a jocular fashion whether he had brought the rings, he turned pale. He had forgotten them in his hotel!

Luckily, the hotel was nearby and, partly because the bride would arrive late, he was able to retrieve the rings on time, and the day was saved!

Prevention

How do you prevent mishaps at a wedding?

Well, of course, like anything else, oversights or plain bad luck can be rife. No one can guarantee a smooth, flawless ceremony, even if the best wedding planner in the world is working for you.

However, you can minimise risk. Preparation is key.

Whether you use a wedding planner or are organising things yourself, start well in advance. It’s also worth confirming all the suppliers (venue, civil celebrant, caterers, florist, photographer, etc.) and even those in the bridal party. Do this a week to ten days before the big day, so there’s time to iron problems out.

If you’ve chosen your suppliers carefully (and I have often blogged about this), you should be safe, even though human error or acts of God cannot be ruled out entirely.

However, these mishaps tend to be the exception, rather than the rule, so don’t worry about them! If you have a professional looking after the arrangements (such a wedding planner or civil celebrant), then things can usually be smoothed out quickly and with a smile.

But, even if things go wrong, most people will be on your side, and not gunning to criticise you!

Relax and enjoy!

What’s a Naming Ceremony?

I am being asked more and more often about naming ceremonies and what they consist of, so I thought a blog answering that question might be in order.

Why a Naming ceremony?

A few common reasons for arranging a civil ceremony are:

  • Religious elements are wanted, but the couple are mixed-faith
  • The couple want to mark the rite of passage, but preferably not (or barely) religiously
  • A couple are marrying, and bringing a child or children into the relationship. They want to formally symbolise their integration into one family.

What does a Naming ceremony consist of?

Because I specialise in bespoke ceremonies, I can’t give a one-size-suits-all answer. As we have already seen, these ceremonies may be religious or secular, and can be held indoors or out. Thus rituals will be more or less appropriate depending on the circumstances and tone.

Participation

Naming ceremonies tend to be more relaxed (although some of the content may be quite serious), and there’s usually a greater element of participation than with many other ceremonies.

Here, the parents may want to take an active role. They may choose and read poems (of course, the celebrant can help them with choices). They may also read out promises to the child. Again, they write these themselves or use a bit of help.

Godparents and/or grandparents may be invited to play a role. They may read a text about what it means to be a god/grandparent, for example.

Ritual

As well as music, which is another option to be considered, you could include some rituals. Unity candle lighting is deservedly popular. This doesn’t always work outdoors (for obvious reasons!), and health and safety does have to be taken into account inside! But it’s especially good if two families (with children) are combining.

Another possibility for a baby, is to sprinkle her with rose petals (different colours representing desired qualities). Again, this invites participation.

The ceremony might end with a communal blessing and a baby-specific blessing (not necessarily religious).

 

I hope this gives a flavour of the “typical” ceremony, and will whet a few appetites! I’ll be very happy to help out, if you want to know more.

Choosing your Civil Celebrant

Choosing your Civil Celebrant

Any supplier for your wedding needs to be chosen wisely. That certainly applies when choosing your civil celebrant 

Rapport

As with any supplier, you will want to be on the same wave-length as him. You certainly need to trust him on such a big day in your life. Can you feel confident in his professionalism? Do you like him?

You’ll probably choose your civil celebrant because you share a vision for your ceremony. Your celebrant will need to appreciate and convey the emotion of the occasion (if that’s what you’re looking for) and/or the lighter, humorous side, where applicable. But be aware: the ceremony needs to be adapted to you, not the other way round!

However your celebrant works, he needs to be able to give you reassurance when doubts or even panic assail you. He will be your rock.

Desiderata

Your celebrant needs listening skills, so he can understand what you really want, and fit in with your wishes. Of course, using his experience, it is proper that he should guide and advise you when needed. But the final choices and decisions are ultimately down to you.

Again, when creating the ceremony, your civil celebrant can offer valuable pointers and guidelines, but the ceremony should, above all, be personal and unique. Your personalities need to shine through. He will need to get to know you – asking some good questions – in order to put such a special ceremony together.

Alternatively …

A civil celebrant is a professional and, if he belongs to a competent Association, will do a professional job. But you could save money by asking a friend or relative to write and conduct the ceremony for you. After all, plenty of people can speak well in public.

You will certainly need to be sure you can rely on him (or her). If he is also preparing the ceremony, he will need to be able to – and have the time to – get to know what you want and find (or compose) suitable readings for the occasion. If he’s not totally committed (or capable), the arrangement simply will not work. Finally, don’t be offended, if he prefers not to do this for you. There may be many reasons why not, but he has a perfect right to say no. It would be better for him to reject the honour at the outset rather than leave you stranded just before the big day!

My unreserved advice would be to use a professional for such a big occasion. Your civil celebrant will be on your side, and knows what works and what doesn’t. He will prepare a unique and wonderful ceremony for you, and will conduct it beautifully. His aim, like yours, is to ensure that your big day is unique and really special.

If you have questions, please contact Michael, who’ll be only too pleased to help you.

 

How to Choose Your Ideal Venue

How to Choose Your Ideal Venue

Getting a few things straight

Don’t assume the ideal venue for your big event is just there for the taking. For a start, it may not be available on the day. And it might cost more than you anticipate.

So you may only be able to approximate to “ideal”. Probably before anything else, you’ll need to look at your budget.

I can’t sort your finances out for you. You may well want a castle or The Ritz, but they won’t come cheap. You may have to give up on a dream. (There may find wonderful substitutes, though, once you’ve done some research.)

So this article assumes that you accept budgetary limitations.

Ceremony and/or Reception

The other thing to get straight, from the start, is where you actually hold your wedding (or other) ceremony.

You may go from the church (say) to another venue (like a hotel) for the reception.

A lot of people prefer to keep the travel arrangements simple, or prefer a secular (or only part-religious) service. Licensed premises (licensed for weddings!) will tick both boxes. You can arrange for registrars to come and do the legal bits, and then glide seamlessly through to the next part. (That could be a civil celebrant- led personalised ceremony and/or canapes and drinks etc.)

Old Sarum is a wonderful setting for a handfasting!The third possibility is potentially most exciting. You can have the ceremony exactly where you want it (your imagination can run riot!), provided you get permission, of course. So you go (by appointment) to your local Register Office with two witnesses and get legally married. Any time after that, you go up your mountain, visit Stonehenge, mooch by your favourite canal, come into your parents’ back garden, or wherever, with your civil celebrant, and have the ceremony of your dreams.

Naturally, unless you hold this in a restaurant or hotel, you will still have to consider catering.

Choosing your Venue

Depending on your choices above, my venue suggestions would be based on personal recommendation, websites and Google to help you narrow down your search. Then, with your partner, arrange a visit, making sure you get shown round by the event planner.

Go and see a couple of possible of venues, and bear in mind that different weather conditions on the day(s) may unfairly influence your choice!

What you need to find out

Bring a list of questions with you, and write down the answers, in case you forget them later when you’re comparing notes. Naturally, you want to know the cost, but also check exactly what you get, and do not get, for the price. You may have certain requirements (eg “Can I bring in a florist from outside?” or “Can you arrange kosher catering?”) – don’t be afraid to ask.

Parking, catering, decoration, disabled access, bar, toilets, PA system, signage, choice of rooms, setting up the entertainment, buffet or silver service are all issues you are likely to need to discuss. Will the wedding planner (or deputy) be available on the day itself? How much deposit is required, and when must the balance be settled?

If the planner seems adaptable and genuinely willing to put herself out, then that looks good. Do you like her, and would you feel confident working with her?

What is also paramount is your feel for the place. Does it excite you? Do you really want to go there? If you’re lukewarm about the venue, then maybe you should look elsewhere.

If all this sounds like a lot to take in and get done, then bear in mind that you should be starting this process at least a year before the big day. Also consider that this is potentially the biggest day in your lives, and the venue can make or break it. It’s not a choice to be made lightly.

I’m always willing to help and advise, so do have a chat with me about any of the issues this article may have raised.

How to Conquer Speech-writing

Speech-writing – for whatever occasion – is likely to fill you with dread.

However, help is at hand!

I am pleased to say that I have persuaded Shirley Wootten to share her experiences with us.

Shirley is a copywriter and the founder of stress-free speeches, a business she set up to coach anyone worried about having to give a speech at a wedding (or any other social event).

She’s been involved in local theatre for 30 years – acting and directing – so she knows what stage fright feels like, and can find ways to improve a performance.

She has come up with a process that will smooth away most, if not all, of your worries in this area! Read on, and learn!

Taking the fear out of writing a speech

It can be daunting, to say the least, to come up with a speech to mark an occasion.

A couple of deep breaths at this point will work wonders. And now we’re going to break the task down into small steps.

Let’s assume that you’ve had plenty of warning. If you’re a top table guest at a wedding, you’ve probably been in the know for months. This is good, because the Most Important Advice is to give yourself time to write the speech. Begin at least a month before the big day.

Next, recognise that even world-famous writers tremble at the prospect of a blank sheet of paper. You’re in good company.

So let’s do something about that blank sheet. Whether you’re writing or typing, starting off with something silly often helps to break the fear. Just setting down, ‘I can’t think of anything to say’ will get you off the mark and make sure that the page isn’t blank any more. Then you can either continue in the same vein for a while – a whole paragraph expanding on the fact that you have nothing to say – or begin to list a few of the ideas you’d like to get across.

You’re on your way.

Brainstorming

If you’re struggling to know what to say in your speech, or to organise your thoughts, a brainstorming session can be helpful and good fun to boot. It works best with pen and paper – or coloured pencils, crayons, anything that takes your fancy – rather than a keyboard and a screen. (But if you just wanted to launch in and start making a list of thoughts, that would work too.)

Get a large sheet of paper and put the words ‘My Speech’ in the middle of it. Then draw a line from those words a short way and write whatever comes into your head (if you draw a bubble round each word or phrase, that will stop all the words running into each other and will help you to read everything back afterwards). So, for example, you might write ‘thank yous’ and then, out from those words, a bubble for each of the people you’d like to thank, with a further reminder next to each name of the service they provided. Then go back to the centre, run another strand out from ‘My Speech’ and start a new topic.

And so it goes on, until you’ve covered everything or writer’s cramp has kicked in. You’ll probably surprise yourself with the number of ideas you’ve jotted down, but you can now start to put the main ones into some sort of basic structure, which is the start of the speech.

Start Writing  

In no particular order – because you can decide on that later – take each topic you’ve identified during the brainstorm and write a short paragraph on it. If you find you’re writing more than one paragraph, keep going until you run out of things to say, then move on to the next topic. Don’t worry about the length of the speech, or being too fussy about grammar and spelling (in fact, you might not need to worry about that at all; if you’re the one reading it on the day, you can spell words any way you like, although punctuation will help you to remember to breathe, at the very least); at this stage it’s all about getting reasonably structured thoughts on paper, unhindered.

This stage may take several sittings, as you tackle a fresh topic each time, but that’s often the way it goes, so don’t be put off or worried if it never seems to end. You’ll get there.

When you’ve worked through all the ideas that your brainstorming session produced, clip together all the pages of your rough speech, or save them on your laptop/tablet, and ignore them for a few days. This is very important and means that when you read them over, you’ll be seeing them with fresh eyes. Inconsistencies will leap out at you and you can begin the editing process.

Editing

This is not meant to be scary. This is a fun part and means that you’ll have a lovely, polished speech with which to amaze (and amuse, if appropriate) your audience.

Begin by reading the speech to yourself out loud. Just hearing the words will highlight things that you might want to change completely, or that simply don’t sound quite right. As you read through, make notes on the pages as you go – a printed copy will be helpful here – but don’t make the changes yet; keep reading out loud, through to the end. In this way you’ll hear any repetitions and can begin to choose which bits, if any, to delete.

Now go back to the start of the document and work through it, making the changes you’ve identified. As the whole thing takes shape, you can decide which order to impose on your topics, by rearranging the paragraphs to suit your purpose.

And after that, put the edited speech away again for a day or so (remember, this is important; think of it as fermentation for an ultimately fizzing, fabulous speech) and repeat the process as often as you choose, until you’re satisfied with the end result.

Subject matters

 This is your speech, of course, so you can decide what to say, what to include and what to leave out. Funny is usually acceptable to everyone, but you’ll be the best judge of your own talents as a stand-up artist, so include more or less humour, as you see fit. If you know your audience well, you might share a couple of family stories that you know they’ll all appreciate. If you don’t know them so well, you may want to keep the tone a little more formal. (Word or warning here; make sure the speech is about the guest(s) of honour, not about you. A couple of self-deprecating remarks as a personal introduction will work well, but then move on to the topic in hand.)

You might want to check that your speech doesn’t cover the same ground as those given by your fellow speakers, but beyond that, you can have free range of topics. Again, you will know what is and isn’t appropriate.

Enjoy the speechwriting experience. Be as creative as you like. Everyone will appreciate your hard work and you might unearth a hidden talent. Then the fun will really start…

 Shirley would be very happy to hear from you if you have any concerns about speaking in public or putting words on paper.

shirleywootten@gmail.com

Twitter: @shirleywootten

https://www.linkedin.com/in/shirley-wootten-6984b22a/